Physician Heal Thyself - well that didn’t work!

[JollyDown]

Hi there. I’ve just found out I have Bipolar Disorder.

I received my diagnosis 2 weeks ago - a birthday present for my 50-something birthday. Yay. I’ve been on (often self-prescribed) anti-depressants intermittently for many years. However since the death of my mother 3 years ago I have struggled with grief, depression, and increasing irritability and mood swings particularly over the last 6-12 months.

As a self employed medical practitioner and surgeon (and main income earner for my family) I’ve had to keep going despite physical or mental illness ever since my internship. I had to go back to work the day after my mum’s funeral. There is no one there to see or operate on our patients if we have to go home sick.

So we push through. And self-treat in order to keep secret our mental health issues.

Why have I finally been properly diagnosed? Because a close friend and colleague of mine picked up the warning signs of hypomania/bipolar and staged an intervention with the help of my sister, who is a very experienced mental health nurse. I had to promise to see a psychiatrist and stop prescribing for myself.

So here I am. Bipolar. Stunned. Disappointed. Even a bit devastated at the diagnosis. My psychiatrist is lovely, but the immediate reduction of my antidepressant dose was torture. I refused a second medication at the start as I can’t afford to have a tremor (as a surgeon!!!). So I was commenced on an anticonvulsant and an antipsychotic medication. After 2 weeks of awful depression I was then happy to take anything to ease my anguish so agreed to add the second medication I'd previously refused to the mix.

Yesterday I gave in to the multiple meds and filled a dosette. Yay. Have gone from taking one tablet a day to about 9 a day. Suspect I have gained a couple kgs already despite significant amounts of exercise and a healthy diet - double yay.

But there is no choice, keep on going I must. Hide my diagnosis I must - now more than ever. It was just becoming acceptable in the medical profession to have reactive depression but Bipolar - no way!! Who wants to be seen by a crazy doctor? Who wants to be in business with or work alongside a Bipolar doctor? Who won’t scrutinise the Bipolar doctor constantly - watching out for signs of mania or depression?

Hopefully I will improve rapidly on my meds so I can cope with the extra demands of emergency call-backs, writing and giving talks and completing difficult medical reports.

Thanks for letting me whinge on line.

[blondguy]

Hello JollyDown

Welcome and thankyou for being a part of Beyond Blue too

You haven't whinged in any shape or form. You are a proactive and self aware person. I understand where you are coming from after having chronic anxiety followed by depression. My GP scripted me my AD's 22 years ago and they have me my life back...seriously.

You have really been through a rough time recently JD. I am in my 50's and ex corporate which was difficult without the meds.

Bipolar is common form of depression. May I ask if you have a support network (even one person) with someone that you can lean on in this difficult time?

Bipolar/Anxiety/Depression.....you are not alone JD. The forums are a Rock Solid Safe and non judgemental place for you to post

It would be great if you could be a part of the forum family JD. Post recent diagnosis is a dark place to be in

my kindest thoughts for you JD. I feel your pain

Paul

[Croix]

Dear JollyDown~

I'd have to disagree wiht your thread title - you are healing yourself! You may be doing a more targeted job than before, and you may have been assisted, but it is still you doing it - you know that.

True it is a shock to get a firm diagnosis, even if it does help explain a lot, but that simply puts you in a better position to gain the correct treatment. Hypomania, depression, and increasing irritability and mood swings are no way to live and now there is hope that these will be better controlled.

You are right that nobody loves a doctor or surgeon who is not inhumanly perfect - until they think about it. Medical practitioners are a human as anyone else and it would be downright silly not to expect them to have exactly the same problems as anyone else too. You also know this.

You are a reliable person who keeps going over very long periods. You are flexible enough to see other's reasons (after brief hesitation). You are coping - and talking here is one aspect of that, so you are inventive.

I would imagine once you become used to your new diagnosis you may start to become more comfortable and less puzzled and worried about symptoms that do not seem to neatly fit.

I also am realy glad you have the support of a colleague, your sister and your new psych - all of whom sound pretty good.

If you read my post you will see I've said nothing you do not know quite well already, and hopefully venting is helping (it does for me at times)

Hang in there, it will be fine

Croix

[JollyDown]

Thanks so much for your kind words BG!!! Thanks for the reminder that we can be too hard on ourselves - but that is why we have succeeded and achieved our goals in the past!!

I have some fantastic support, without which I’m not sure I would fare very well. My brother was recently diagnosed with BPD at age 46. After 18 months of trial and error he is now stable on his meds. My sister is 2 years older than me and a highly regarded mental health nurse. We are all close. So plenty of support there and know I can ring them anytime if I’m struggling. We also have some pretty funny group chats - competing to see who has the largest dosette. Not really a competition one wants to win.

Thanks again for your wonderfully supportive words. I hope to stay in contact via the forums. It seems we can relate around surviving high pressure jobs with mental illness!!

One day I want to “come out” about my illness to help other medical professionals who are struggling. But not until I have been stable for a while and am close to retirement.

Kind regards

JollyD

[JollyDown]

PS. I also have 2 very close, smart and supportive friends who know everything about me . Also my husband, although not a “talker” is rock solid, reliable and quietly supportive. I am lucky!

[IsaJett]

Ha ...this is awesome..I read your post yesterday ...didn’t respond ...and as I was taking a shower ...it occured to me ...what I must say to you . but then I lost the post .

so then I saw it again today ...lol.

u said who would want to see a crazy doctor.

u are not crazy ..and quite frankly I would see a doctor that has gone through the same stuff and know exactly what I’m going through .

the Amount of times I see a doctor about my ailments and they say to me with a blank look ...oh take a Panadol and rest up .

but now with your patients ..u would know exactly what is happening .

you have to be your best patient though ...and this is what will set you apart from the other doctors .

so this is by no means a bad thing . I hope you know what I’m saying . In fact this would probably make you way more empathetic and way more efficient.

Haha yeah so that’s exactly my thought process in the shower ...glad I came across this post again and get to tell you this .

keep smiling Doctor JollyDown

[JollyDown]

Dear Croix

Thankyou so much for your very kind and very clever reply :). It looks like you champions have had some very good training!,

Your words definitely made me feel better about myself!

Thanks again

JDown

[blondguy]

Hi JD 🙂

Thankyou so much for taking the time to post back

I hear you about 'coming out' with our disorders JD. In 2016 after six months of being clinically depressed my postie asked me "you have been at home now for a few months.....are you on long service leave?" After 35 years of anxiety/depression I just responded with " no its not long service...I have been off work with depression"

Its really good that you have an excellent support network JD! You....your brother and sister are so proactive. Its good to know that your brother is doing okay with the 'fine tuning' of his meds

Like Croix and myself (and the forum members) we speak from experience with having these afflictions.

Your hubby is a legend....you are lucky to have him

Your privacy and well being is paramount to Beyond Blue and the forums. There is no judgement here,only the best support we can provide 🙂

I hope your day has been good to you JD 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Quercus]

Hello JollyDown,

A very short post to say welcome to the forums.

And also that reading your post my first thought was the same as Isabel... Who wants a Bipolar doctor? ME!

So many of us here have struggled through the medical system to find a professional who understands. This is in my mind a huge benefit to your employer.

You mentioned to Croix that he is good at helping others here. He is. Life and his own experiences and a willingness to use these to relate to and empathise with others.

Ok so stigma in the workpkace stilk exists. We'll get there eventually. One day employers will see regardless of mental illness we are still worthwhile employees. You have skills and experience other doctors do not. This is valuable.

Nat

[Tams20]

Hi JollyDown,

I agree with Nat, I would like a doctor with bipolar - who better to understand what I’m going through than someone who has experienced the same things themselves!

Whilst I’m not a medical professional, I can relate to not being able to disclose my condition at work. Like you, I just have to push on and pretend that everything is fine. I’m the breadwinner for my family and work in an extremely male-dominated profession where showing any weakness is a disadvantage. I’ve managed to ‘act’ my way through some very dark and difficult times. It’s not easy.

Anyway there is a thread called ‘This Bipolar Life’ where a group of us are regularly discussing aspects of the condition, it’s a good place to ask questions. I’ve learnt a lot from that thread, it’s great support - we’d be happy to have you join us! 😊

Tams