Physician Heal Thyself - well that didn’t work!

[JollyDown]

Hi there. I’ve just found out I have Bipolar Disorder.

I received my diagnosis 2 weeks ago - a birthday present for my 50-something birthday. Yay. I’ve been on (often self-prescribed) anti-depressants intermittently for many years. However since the death of my mother 3 years ago I have struggled with grief, depression, and increasing irritability and mood swings particularly over the last 6-12 months.

As a self employed medical practitioner and surgeon (and main income earner for my family) I’ve had to keep going despite physical or mental illness ever since my internship. I had to go back to work the day after my mum’s funeral. There is no one there to see or operate on our patients if we have to go home sick.

So we push through. And self-treat in order to keep secret our mental health issues.

Why have I finally been properly diagnosed? Because a close friend and colleague of mine picked up the warning signs of hypomania/bipolar and staged an intervention with the help of my sister, who is a very experienced mental health nurse. I had to promise to see a psychiatrist and stop prescribing for myself.

So here I am. Bipolar. Stunned. Disappointed. Even a bit devastated at the diagnosis. My psychiatrist is lovely, but the immediate reduction of my antidepressant dose was torture. I refused a second medication at the start as I can’t afford to have a tremor (as a surgeon!!!). So I was commenced on an anticonvulsant and an antipsychotic medication. After 2 weeks of awful depression I was then happy to take anything to ease my anguish so agreed to add the second medication I'd previously refused to the mix.

Yesterday I gave in to the multiple meds and filled a dosette. Yay. Have gone from taking one tablet a day to about 9 a day. Suspect I have gained a couple kgs already despite significant amounts of exercise and a healthy diet - double yay.

But there is no choice, keep on going I must. Hide my diagnosis I must - now more than ever. It was just becoming acceptable in the medical profession to have reactive depression but Bipolar - no way!! Who wants to be seen by a crazy doctor? Who wants to be in business with or work alongside a Bipolar doctor? Who won’t scrutinise the Bipolar doctor constantly - watching out for signs of mania or depression?

Hopefully I will improve rapidly on my meds so I can cope with the extra demands of emergency call-backs, writing and giving talks and completing difficult medical reports.

Thanks for letting me whinge on line.

[Srfr]

JollyDown

you are awesome! Keep going

I am inspired by your post - I’m a newbie here but definitely not a newbie to depression/anxiety/post trauma.

just remember, people don’t know what ur thinking!

💪