Mid life crisis and depression as well!

[wagner]

Hi everyone, I am new to using online forums so bear with me. Recently I had what I consider a breakdown. My relationship wasn't going well as my girlfriend had become a workaholic and I resented the hours which she worked. Work was incredibly stressful (I am a high school teacher). I could not derive any pleasure from anything. 4 weeks ago it became too much and I was seriously wanting to end it all. Fortunately I didn't go through with it although it was pretty close. Now my girlfriend has left me because she cannot cope with my negativity. I am probably going to sell the house and I have nowhere to live. I was hoping to have a family but that seems highly unlikely. Everyone has been really helpful at work and my friends have been pretty understanding. I feel lost and alone. The future I had planned is gone and the only thing I care about are my two dogs. I really don't want to end up alone. I am seeking help and have a gp which is really good and I am seeing a counsellor. Does anyone know of any support groups in the inner west of Sydney? The easter break has been really tough and I cannot stop thinking about the past and the poor decisions which I have made. Any suggestions?

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[White_Rose]

Hello Wagner

Great that you have found your way to Beyond Blue and welcome to the community.

Life sounds pretty uncomfortable for you at the moment so it's good that you can talk to your GP, counsellor and friends. It's sad that your GF is unable to support you at this time and I expect she feels a bit uncomfortable about this. Unfortunately depression (which I presume is your difficulty) is an illness that many people do not know how to handle. And in many ways it is easier to let her go than cope with her reluctance.

If you put depression support groups in your search engine you will find groups near you. The Black Dog Institute has links to some of these. Also look up GROW, SANE, Headspace. No doubt there are many more reputable organisations who offer local support groups.

Can I ask a personal question? Why are you thinking of selling your home if you have nowhere to go? It seems a bit self-defeating. Moving house comes into the top 10 stressors of life. So add that to a relationship breakdown and illness and the pressure will be enormous.

Having a couple of dogs is great. Many of the folk who write here have pets and find them of enormous comfort. Until I moved to my current home I always had cats and/or dogs. You could always post a picture of your dogs as your avatar. Is that what it's called?

Thinking about the past and reflecting on the should-have-dones is a well-know pastime for most of us. Not a good idea but very understandable. Every time you find yourself doing this you need to give yourself a diversion. Sounds easy doesn't it? Not really but perseverance will make the action easierl.

So what to do? If you really want to think about a particular action or event then you can do so for not more than one half hour PER DAY. Time yourself. Not half an hour per topic but half an hour per day.

Now you need a repertoire of things to do. Make yourself a list, even if it's in your mind. Not anything complicated or requiring huge amounts of energy. Examples are gardening, just pulling up weeds, going for a walk, talking to a friend, housework, cooking a meal. It's best if it is something active which exclude TV and reading. Have a bath, go to the pub with friends. Pick a number that you enjoy and will engage in. No good saying you will go jogging if you hate it.

How about grooming your dogs. That would be a satisfying occupation I would think. And of course there is always school work to prepare.

Hope you will reply soon.
Mary

[July]

Hi Wagner,

I am glad you have expressed your feelings here it is a great relief to get to out. We all have good and bad times in our lives, but remember your life is precious and there are many people you are yet to meet in this world.

You said a mid life crisis and depression were the problem, oh yes I can relate, I think when we turn a certain age and things aren't where we thought they would be, it seems so much worse, but you never know what is waiting around the corner for you.

The funny thing is , we often find things when we least expect it. Its good you are talking to someone that is half the problem, just for someone to listen to your feelings and they are justified.

We all make bad decisions , no doubt there, but we can't change, them so we need look up and beyond and learn from our mistakes.

Im glad you have your two dogs  for love and companionship, animals are great stress relievers, they seem to understand you and give unconditional love, my cats have been told many a secret  from me and they seem to know when you are upset my cats become very affectionate around me when I'm down , its like they know, a sixth sense as such.

If your girlfriend left because of a few problems then she doesn't deserve you and your love, maybe it was for the best and there is another path you will follow, don't give up on the future because you do not know what it is yet....I hope you just relax and know there are many of us thinking of you and wishing you well.

I would love to hear back from you when you are ready.

July

[wagner]

Thanks for your reply mary and july. Due to the relationship breakdown and the house is in joint names I don't have the money to pay out my partner. As you are aware, Sydney house prices are stratospheric at the present time. I have been keeping myself as busy as possible with marking half yearly examinations but this is hardly enjoyable more a necessity. I haven't lost hope. I saw my GP and she was really great. I am going to qld next week to see my friend for a couple of days. Unfortunately I cannot drink which is probably a good thing. It is  nice to know people are out there who actually care about others who have not met me. The dogs are pretty much the only thing I care about at the moment as they are always there for me no matter what. I'll keep you posted about things. Thanks

[Doolhof]

Hi Wagner,

Mary and July have given you some wonderful advice. I too was going to ask why you need to sell the house, but your answer has explained that issue.

Is it possible for you to sell the home and buy something smaller and more manageable for now? Has your girlfriend told you she wants half of the house right now?

I'm from Adelaide so house prices are quite different from Sydney, so I have no idea what the market is like at present there.

It is wonderful you have people supporting you. Keeping in touch with family, friends and work mates is very important when we are going through a tough time.

Do you think there is any chance you may be able to get back with your girlfriend at all?

Both my husband and I suffer from depression and life came to a bit of a head at Christmas. We have been able to sort things out. I know that is not always possible, but just wondering if there might be a slight chance.

A trip away right now might be just what you need. Being in a different environment gives us an opportunity to think more clearly and differently about our issues.

I hope the time away is very beneficial for you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi Wagner,

 I hope you have nice break in Queensland, leave your worries at home for a while , might be nice to clear your head to.

My sister in law is a high school teacher to so I understand the stress of that job, you guys deserve a medal.

If you have to sell the house remember its only bricks and mortar, your home is where the heart is, and that decision will be further down the track so leave that for later and concentrate on your own well being for now.

Glad you replied and take it easy.

All the best

July

[wagner]

Hey guys , thanks for your support and advice. Believe it or not I actually feel better today first time in three weeks! Going to QLD tomorrow but when I return some hard decisions will need to be made. So I am just going to enjoy the next couple of days. Part of the problem has been recognising that this is going to be long haul. I'll post a reply in a couple of days. Cheers

[BeingHuman]

Oh that must be a nice bit of relief to be feeling a little better? Hopefully you're getting some love from friends up there?

Just thinking what a great time to find good, caring people. I think a lot of people enjoy helping if they can be given half the chance. You undoubtedly need it right now so I hope you ask for it? Give those lucky, good people a chance to feel good about themselves. 🙂 

You may not read this till your home again. Possibly that surge/natural desire of 'feeling better' has fallen away again. I hope not!! ..but I could see myself and others easily going through that....so take some refuge in knowing it would be natural. 

Whats the next smallest of small things you plan to do that will help? 

PS I'm bouncing along the ground at the moment currently unemployed. My wife is working crazy hours and returning home exhausted but full of passionate stories as she builds her empire. 

[White_Rose]

Welcome to Queensland. The weather is lovely and the people are friendly. Enjoy your time here.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Being Human,

It is great to read your input. Welcome to Beyond Blue and the community here. I like the way people support each other on this forum.

Sorry to read that you are presently out of work. I know how that feels, having been there myself previously and now with my husband being out of work for two years!

He was bumping along reasonably okay, then he fell into a crater for a while. I am happy to say that he has been able to climb out of the hole and has managed to dust himself off and move forward again.

Once again it is great you have contributed.

If you need to or would like to start your own post sometime feel free to do so.

I'm sure we are all hoping that the break does Wagner a lot of good and he returns feeling refreshed.

All the best to you BeingHuman, from Mrs. Dools