What can I do to make things better

[Tony_W]

What is wrong with me, and how can I fix it?   I am 54 years young with a beautiful partner (39) and three young boys ( 8, 10 and 13). I have a great job which although very stressful, pays very well and I do enjoy my work. I love my partner and children but seem unable to express it to them. I constantly ignore them and spend time with myself instead. I worry about work and continue to work at my computer well after working hours, shutting them out completely.   It has come to the point that my partner has sought the affection of another man because she is so lonely and she wants to end our relationship. When I found out about this I still thought of myself first and  was so selfish I threatened suicide. This is the lowest point in my life; I am angry, confused, desolate but still only thinking of myself. I don't think I am really suicidal but used this as a tool to seek attention and control. Poor me, love me and stay or I will end it all, then you'll be sorry.   I am working away for three weeks at the moment so this has given us some space for ourselves without the stress of having to interact in a domestic environment. We are just starting to communicate again via text and the occasional phone call. I am trying to give my partner the space she needs to think about things and decide on our future, it is probably out of my control at this time. It is very difficult to not worry and I find it hard to not call or text to try to convince her of my desire to change and hope that she will give me the chance. Its driving me crazy.   I think I am suffering from depression and have been for several years but have ignored it. I am angry all the time and feel lonely even when surrounded by my beautiful family. Little things annoy me and I get frustrated with my inability to control my emotions.   I really don't want the last 14 years to be wasted and to lose my family. It will be so hard on all of us, both personally and financially. I don't want my partner and children's lives subject to this upheaval, how will their lives be affected by the things I have caused to happen? I still hold onto the hope I can convince my partner of my true love for her and the children and she will give me one last chance to prove I can change. Can anyone here help me with tips to try and break out of this cycle and make amends.  

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[LP_FIFO]

Hi Paul - thanks for this amazing and open post .Im afraid I cant offer any tips- but I did want to say is that a lot of what your describing 9 the shutting out, feeling alone even your surrounded) is exactly what im going through at the moment.

Your not alone my friend and im sure there are plenty of us going through the same thing. Although ive replied to a few posts I haven't had the courage to lay it all out there like you yet. recent texts and phone calls sound like your on the right track.

thanks again

[geoff]

dear Paul and I'll include Fifo, and want to thank you both for letting us know your situation, and hell it's not easy to get out of this hole than it is to get into it.

I replied to a comment early and it's headline is 'Overwhelmed' where I was talking about a similar situation with myself, bar the fact that my ex was actually having an affair at this early stage, but I well and truly know what you are going through.

When any of us are in depression, we close the door on communication to our partner/spouse, it's our natural response because we don't want to infiltrate the lives of our families, maybe we feel ashamed or maybe we don't want own up for being the bread winner and falling in a hole, I don't know but we all have our reasons, never the less we don't give our family enough valuable time, or perhaps have to work away from them, so they look else where.

Love is what we promise, 'until death do us part', so we believe that our partner or ourselves do not take to someone else to gratify our needs, so that if we go away for a couple of weeks which our work needs us to do, we can have trust in them, and because if in any doubt there is a hesitation this will create anxiety and tension which then creates problems and doubt, but I wonder how many times this doesn't happen.

There are two sides to this story.

I'm pleased that you are texting her, but you seem to think as though it's all your fault, well depression is nobodies fault, it's not yours nor Fifo's, it's the circumstances that it creates, because nobody asks for any of this, but I would like to ask you a very delicate question, and please only answer if you want, and this applies to both of you, and I mean no harm, but before I say it I hope that either /both can reply back to us.

I know that you love your wife/wives, however do you believe that it is reciprocated, because to rebuild a marriage--------------------- Geoff.

[Tony_W]

Hi LP FIFO, I assume that's fly in, fly out, and you work away from home. I always thought forums and sharing of problems with like minded individuals had no merit, but after talking with a psychologist I found it did help to verbalise my problems and anxieties to someone else. I urge you to give it a go.

Hi Geoff, I know it is all my fault. My fault for the way I have treated my partner and children for so long. She says she loves me but is not 'in love' with me and is not ready to even think about a future together. I really hope she will change her mind some time in the future, hopefully sooner than later. I really don't know how I will go on if we separate.

I think of her and the children, and what I am putting them through all the time. It is my first thought in the morning, and last thought at night. I also worry about the other man in her life, especially while I am away. Is she seeing him, is he persuading her to leave me for him? I have 14 years invested in this relationship and we have 3 beautiful children together. Will he commit to her and the children or is it just something for the short term to him. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I am having trouble concentrating and making correct decisions at work. The only thing I seem good at in this the moment is crying.

I try to give her room to work through her own thoughts but I keep looking at the phone wondering, 'should I ring or text now'. When I do, she is very short and abrupt with me, 'I've got to go now'. This make me want to not contact her in case I make things worse. I am desperately trying to give her the space but it's so hard.

I just worry that while we are not talking, THEY are. It is driving me crazy!!!

[LP_FIFO]

thanks for the reply Geoff, especially true is "go away for a couple of weeks which our work needs us to do, we can have trust in them, and because if in any doubt there is a hesitation this will create anxiety and tension which then creates problems and doubt,"

anxiety lately has been dreadful, but I deep down I don't believe its warranted. I love my wife and I believe she loves me - were growing apart though. I can see it unfolding before me and as mentioned earlier, with the closing the door on communication, I see it slipping away.

the FIFO thing is a contributing factor-  im switched on enough to know im high risk and need to talk about it. I feel there is hope, but I also have a resentment of her, which I then get down on myself for. Ive made a bed and now I have to lie in it, it shouldnt be this hard but I feel I get no support, no appreciation, no gratitude - but getting back on track - I feel I receive no love, even though I believe ( maybe , don't 'know') that theres love still there. it might be something like a communication thing, ive tried expressing it to her, and it ends in a fight

I feel that for me, it may be a matter of learingn to accept and manage the situation rather than look forward to fixing it - while im doing the FIFO there islittle hope that things will improve - no matter what I do, shes not going to magically turn around and give me what I need after all these years without it - it shoud have been a partnership but ive carried the team while life for her as been supportive 9 her family, frinds and of course the kids).

heres an example, I hate facebook - completely - I believe its very 'anti social networking' but I had to join because she can spend all day on it posting all kinds of things to tell the world what shes doing, posting photos of the kids concerts, foot ball etc - but I cant get one text or phone call as to how the kids are going! wont hear from her for days while im suffering on the other side of the world

so does she love me - maybe she loves what I provide, friends have assured me there's no extra marital thing going on and at the moment I have no reason to thin that, but whether she wants to bring us back to where we were once - I don't think that - and there in lies the problem, alone to fight these feelings, no light at the end, away working alone, and feeling ostracised while at home and more of an inconvenience and in the way when im home - and I hate that its even a cliché now!

[geoff]

dear Paul, I really appreciate you getting back to us, it's not easy and it's very uncomfortable.

My ex and I still get on very well, but we could not live together again, but it does frustrate me or annoys me that she is living with someone older, and has all the traits that she hated in me, I can't stop her but the thought of them sleeping together does make me feel sick.

I accept that you believe it's your fault, but remember 'it takes two to tango', and there are different meanings to 'love', and she is not in love with you, but you are graving for her love.

I can't say but I would expect that her relationship with this other man will only be temporary, and who knows he maybe married himself, but his attention towards her will deteriorate, and you don't know how your children feel about him.

By saying all of this just means that we are talking aloud, it's not comfortable doing so, but you can't keep it to yourself, because when we love someone like you do, and I do with my ex, there is a purpose in talking about it.

You are devastated and I can feel for you, but you have friends here and hope to hear from you. Geoff.

[Tony_W]

Hi All,   It’s been a few days since I have visited here, for a few reasons.

My first contact was because I was in crisis and needed some way to reach out. I am pretty secretive and not used to letting people in, but desperately wanted to talk and express my frustrations and despair.

I made the mistake of sending a link to this post to my partner to show her I was trying to get some help with my problems. She had told me on numerous occasions that I should seek some help. She was angry with me and said sending her the link was just another form of control and I should have kept it private.

Honestly, I just wanted to show her I was trying. I am feeling much better about myself at the moment. I have been trying to keep myself busy, reading other stories on this site, researching ways to overcome my problems on-line and have subscribed to a few other help forums.

I’ve even read a couple of novels in the last few days, something I have not done in years, but something I previously enjoyed immensely. I have also had a few good conversations with a telephone counseling service which has helped me no end.

It’s all common sense stuff that we should all know instinctively, how to break out of the perpetuating cycle that occurs when you fixate on dark thoughts. As I said before I previously didn’t think much of talking to a stranger about my problems but have found that I was wrong.

Talking it through does help. Just the relief of sharing and expressing helps to release the tension and allows me to feel more positive that I can get better.

That’s it for now, I just wanted to make contact and let you know I’m feeling a little better but understand I have a long way to go. I’m off to work now, keeping busy.

Have a great day everybody.

[JessF]

Hello Tony, it's a shame to hear that your partner reacted in that way, but little steps. If you are getting value out of talking online anonymously here then that is the main thing, keep it up.

Sometimes I think we can take common sense for granted, and we need to have the obvious stated to us so that we can take steps to get better, I know I am guilty of this often. 

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

[ewart]

Hello to all participants on this thread. The easiest comments to make, such as "try to live in the present", and" the most important relationship you can have is the one with yourself", are the hardest to abide by. What has helped me through similar circumstances as being experienced here, is to focus on the relationship I do have with myself. I was a "needy" type relying on other to provide me with "happiness", a person so racked with insecurities that I drove the love of my life away. The more I tried to become self reliant emotionally, the more I became dependant on my partner some how. Anyway, it finally dawned on me that unless I genuinely feel that I am a decent and worthy person how the hell can I expect anyone else to if I don't demonstrate a persona of self worth. I didn't take any courses or read self help books, I just stood back, had a look at the person I had become and made choices that restored the person I once was and wanted to be. I accepted the damage that had been done and stopped trying to plead my way back into my partners life. It was refreshing to have "me" back again and the issues that appeared so dramatically chaotic gave way to a more balanced way of looking at things. My former partner likes the restored me, we are on great terms with no prospect of getting back together but a renewed respect has emerged from the turmoil. I hope I don't sound patronising here. My message is simply to take care of self first, be genuine about it and who knows what may follow. Good luck with life all ... kind regards

[Zan]

Tony W -- The hardest thing to do in this age of computer forums is always the 'face-to-face' part. For some reason we all find 'venting' online easy, and yet still find it hard to do the same in the flesh, particularly to our nearest and dearest. Communication and 100% openness and honesty are key to the longevity of any relationship ... and as men, that is often the hardest thing to do. We want to 'believe' in our relationship instead of constantly working at improving our relationship. We often 'believe' that if we opened up to our partner and family and exposed our own perceived weaknesses and self doubts that we would no longer be a man, or man enough for our loved ones --- which is utter rubbish. Families and loved ones appreciate openness and honesty, if it comes with real communication, just as much, if not more, than a man trying to carry the entire load on his own

Stress -- which I gather you are carrying all on your own at the moment, is one of the most debilitating precursors to depression. And the only way to deal with stress is to admit to yourself that you are stressed and then try to confront why. And if you already know why, try to work out how to unburden yourself from it (not always as easy as it sounds, I know).

The only constant in the entire Universe is change --- and sometimes that change is imposed upon us without our consent, and sometimes we can initiate that change ourselves for our own good. And either way, change is currently facing you square on, and basically asking you what you want  to do to steer that change in the most positive and beneficial way that you can. You obviously have great life skills to deal with change already -- so just start putting them into practice. I don't know, but maybe inside you're already considering a Sea Change or a Tree Change to free yourself from the straight-jacket you perceive your current environment to be. As I said, I don't know --- but deep down YOU ALREADY DO.

Just be safe - communicate with your family, and try to do that face to face as well as on-line, and talk about your fears and dreams. Many of us have been there and walked the same path --- and  many of us blew the chance to salvage relationships -- but we are still here none-the-less, and are stronger and wiser and more compassionate and empathetic because of it. Just know that you are not alone in this -- okay?