The warmest of welcomes to you at one of the most challenging times in your life, if not the most challenging time. My heart goes out to you so much.
When speaking of a depression in this case, I'm not speaking of a clinical depression which would require a clinical diagnosis. I'm more so referring to a kind of depression which can still have physical (chemistry) factors and mental factors in play on top of some seriously soul destroying factors. From my own experience, you can't always see exactly how you reached the depths of the depression or deep dark well you're in but you can definitely feel yourself there.
There can be the things that led to an obvious gradual descent and then there can be all the things that aren't so obvious. Sometimes it can be about identifying the less obvious things so as to be more understanding and kinder toward ourself. For example, depressing inner dialogue thrives on us being alone. There is no one to interrupt it, as it worsens, and there is no one to help us make better sense of it or lead us to at least wonder about it. I know, from personal experience, how the dialogue in depression can be so incredibly convincing. The deeper you go, the darker and more convincing it becomes. Another thing that can add to the descent can involve a depressing lack of guidance. While we can have people suggest what we should do (after having lost our career or having lost someone we care deeply about) or have them reassure us 'You'll be right', there is no serious guidance in suggestions or reassurance. There is no solid detailed plan for navigating how to get out of where we are. We're technically not being raised in any positively mind altering way. I'm glad you made the move to come here to the forums, for a start, so as to manage the mental challenges you face while seeking some sense of direction.
While at some point in your life you expanded or opened yourself up to greet a career, a family, friends, various sporting interests etc, it sounds like you've gradually contracted (into yourself). While it may not sound like much and may even sound a bit silly, would you consider beginning to gradually expand again? Regarding the muscle tension/tightness, developing the everyday practice of stretching might make some difference to begin with. Baby steps, nothing big. Something easy, much easier than going for a walk around the block at this stage. While it may sound a bit 'woo woo' (expanding or opening yourself up to life again), stretching is known to also release endorphins, dopamine and serotonin as well as reducing cortisol levels. Plenty of folk out there develop the habit of waking in the morning and stretching their arms out for five seconds and that's it. Stretching more than a few muscles for five minutes makes more of a difference. With a deeply depressing lack of energy, sometimes stretching (while sitting on the couch) is all we can manage and all we can relate to for a start.
