Lost & Confused

[Guest11]

Hi guys after some advice here, I also just need to get some things off my chest and posting here is easier than trying to talk to people.

I practically spent all last year in a numb, apathetic state where I completely lost interest in everything important to me and I also avoided interacting with friends and family unless I absolutely had to. I spent my days distracting myself in any way possible and my nights were spent lying in bed just waiting and hoping that I'd fall asleep so my mind would stop wandering.

Mid December I started to feel a little bit better, probably because christmas was coming and I knew I was going to be spending it with my family. I felt like things were getting back on track and that I'd be ok again. Come late January, early February I felt miserable again for no reason I can think off. I remember one night broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep very well after that, and I sleep very little now.

Lately I've noticed that I've become somewhat worse, and sometimes I become very emotional when in public places and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered I rarely sleep, I get migraines and have probably gained around 10 kilos. 

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling, although I think my stepmother suspects something is not right, even so I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I have no close friends; I haven't spoke to to most of them in a while and my so called best friend abruptly dropped contact for reasons unknown. I feel that even if I were stll close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them

I've been to see a GP and had a mental health plan prepared, and saw a psychologist once (second appt in 2 weeks) 

I just don't know what is wrong, I remember periods of feeling down and depressed constantly for months at a time, other times I remember feeling on top of the world. Like I was invincible or nothing could stop me.

[Flux_amp_Flow]

You're right, apart from my doctors no one knows whats going on with me. I think its better thst way at least for now. Most of them wouldn't understand anyway, every time someone asks what I'm going to the doctor I politely tell them that it is private and not to ask again.
My step mother has some sort of depression and she tells everyone she sees that she's on meds and she has depression etc, I dont understand maybe some people just want sympathy. Who knows. 

[brobej15]

Now that I am on my way to recovery and able to do some normal things again, I have told the 3 closest people to me that I'm on treatment. One is thankfully a nurse and she definitely understands, she says I've done the right thing and the key is to have people who actually listen and genuinely are concerned. I don't tell the whole world, it's not their concern, but I told the 3 closest people because I knew that they would need to know if something went wrong while we were spending time together. I'm lucky to have them around but also very grateful that I have people around me who are there. I didn't think I did for such a long time, but it's times and situations like depression where you really see people for who they are, and I think a big part of it is saying no to that in life. That's one thing I've found so difficult is saying no to things that I really know I don't need. I feel better that they understand and know about what's been going on with me, they have been nothing but supportive and just there. I'm grateful for that. I feel like I don't have to hide as much anymore, I can be honest with myself around them. I definitely recommend a friend!! 

[Flux_amp_Flow]

That's great I'm glad that you have people whom you can trust. I once told my "best friend" that I was feeling down all the time and that I think I may have depression about 2 years ago and he just laughed and thought it was a big joke. Obviously, I don't consider him a friend anymore nor do I have any contact with him. 

I don't know I feel that I want to tell certain people but I can't find the words when I get the courage say something. 

[brobej15]

How about doing it in different forms, a letter, a note, a picture, a video? Something that might be able to help. I chose to tell one of my oldest friends - we have been in each other's lives from 6 onwards - at a really loud gig. All she did was put her hand on my shoulder. That was all I needed to know. It definitely helps to tell someone.

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Awesome advice from Brobej - I especially like the idea of telling someone that has healthcare exposure - they're generally far more understanding as to what depression/metal illness involves.

I'm not sure but perhaps BB helpline can put you in touch with some sort of support group where you can chat to others going through similar experiences?

It does help to have someone you can turn to, perhaps go through your lists on Facebook and see if you know of someone touched by mental illness - think one in 5 suffer depression so lots of us out there!

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Just yesterday an ex friend from high school who I haven't seen or spoke to in 5 years messaged me asking how I've been. I'm not sure I'm going to reply as I don't really want anything to do with this person as I feel they were a big part of my depression when our group had a falling out with me being the person who was excluded. 

Although, we became friends again for a brief period in year 12, I think I only did this so I wasn't alone. I don't know what to do, definitely need to find  support group or something. I think I'm going to tell my step mother when they return from their holiday. 

My mum was a nurse for about 20 years so maybe I should tell her first. I'll update when I can. 

Bye for now 

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Your mum sounds perfect! I hope it goes well.  Might be worth going onto YouTube and searching for "how to have a difficult conversation" or something?  My main piece of advice is to try and organise a time when neither of you have to rush off somewhere & you won't be interrupted. 

Re ex friend, it's a tough one.  I know a lot of people who changed a lot in 5 years since year 12.  I'm in no way defending whatever they did - just saying some acted like jerks when less mature.  It's quite tricky.  I was bullied a bit in school and didn't bother going to my reunions, etc. because of it.  Not sure what the motivation of the person is to get in touch again.  If you think it's genuine, it might be healing for you to meet up for coffee, and without making a big deal of it, mention that her behaviour in the past was quite negative.  If she accepts responsibility you may consider pursuing the friendship & if she is dismissive at least you tried.

Hope some of this helps

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

I've been visiting my mum this past week and will be at home until Saturday, I'm just now trying to think of something. I'm thinking we'll have to go shopping or something so we're alone.

That sucks I'm sorry, but it's nice to know that someone else went through a similar situation . Kids can be such jerks about such trivial things, it really bothers me when people bully someone over something they have no control over. I don't really think I'll go to my reunion either, even though it's about 5 years away lol. Don't really have any desire to see any of those people again, although I'd miss the chance to see a few teachers I really liked. Still got a few years to decide I guess. 

Anyway kind of went off in a tangent there, sorry. I'm not sure about their motivations either, I've known they guy since we were about 9 but I guess as people get older we change, some for the worse. Think I may just not reply. 

Thanks a bunch, you're always helpful. 🙂  

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Flux

Thanks for your kind words - much appreciated!

Sounds like a plan to go shopping & chat over coffee - hope it goes really well.  Try and keep the conversation relaxed if possible - not always easy.  The other bit of advice I'd give is this - try and give your mum plenty of chance to ask questions by saying things like 'Is there anything you want to ask?" and "Do you want to know my plans on dealing with it"  Sometimes it can keep things flowing in a relaxed manner.

Guess the question then is - What if she says she has no questions.  Hmmmm - good question!  If this happens I think it might be a good time to tell your mum that you really need her support and you want to make sure you can tell her anything - hope that will help?

Hope the chat goes well - imagine you're looking to the psych appointment on Monday too

Warm wishes

Scott

 PS with the friend (ex friend) thing I probably should have been a bit clearer earlier. With hindsight, I kick myself a bit that I wasn't a little more "grown up" about it & not held onto my anger - it really only hurts myself as I missed out on catching up with old friends!  I'm not suggesting you meet with your old friend, just thought I should add that info to the mix! ha ha!  Good luck shopping!!

[Flux_amp_Flow]

No worries. 

I didn't suggest going to the mall to get coffee, It was just better to stay at home as my sisters were at school and my step father was at work. I didn't jump straight into the conversation with " Hey mum, I'm depressed" rather I eased into it. I was talking to my mum about my three brothers who passed away before I was born, I've never spoke to her about that topic before and it was good to talk about them and hear about what they were like although I never got a chance meet them. I know it must've been hard for my mother to talk about it as it was for me to listen, but I could see she was happy talking about the good times that she got to spend with them, so It made me happy in a way. Hard to explain. 

My mum asked me why I wanted to know and I said my psychologist asked me to make a list of my family. When she asked why I was seeing a psych I told her I hadn't felt well in a while and I want to seek help, my mum asked me a few questions and why I hadn't spoke to her about it earlier, but she understood how hard it must be and she was a bit upset that she hadn't noticed anything wrong. I said it's because I've become quite good at hiding it. 

It's a big relief to finally tell someone besides my GP, psych and people on the internet. I'm not quite ready to tell other people quite yet but hey it's a start right. 

I don't think I've felt anger towards my old friend for quite some time now, it's just that I feel I don't want to pursue the friendship anymore. It's hard to explain, hard to put into words.