Lost & Confused

[Guest11]

Hi guys after some advice here, I also just need to get some things off my chest and posting here is easier than trying to talk to people.

I practically spent all last year in a numb, apathetic state where I completely lost interest in everything important to me and I also avoided interacting with friends and family unless I absolutely had to. I spent my days distracting myself in any way possible and my nights were spent lying in bed just waiting and hoping that I'd fall asleep so my mind would stop wandering.

Mid December I started to feel a little bit better, probably because christmas was coming and I knew I was going to be spending it with my family. I felt like things were getting back on track and that I'd be ok again. Come late January, early February I felt miserable again for no reason I can think off. I remember one night broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep very well after that, and I sleep very little now.

Lately I've noticed that I've become somewhat worse, and sometimes I become very emotional when in public places and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered I rarely sleep, I get migraines and have probably gained around 10 kilos. 

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling, although I think my stepmother suspects something is not right, even so I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I have no close friends; I haven't spoke to to most of them in a while and my so called best friend abruptly dropped contact for reasons unknown. I feel that even if I were stll close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them

I've been to see a GP and had a mental health plan prepared, and saw a psychologist once (second appt in 2 weeks) 

I just don't know what is wrong, I remember periods of feeling down and depressed constantly for months at a time, other times I remember feeling on top of the world. Like I was invincible or nothing could stop me.

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Guest11

Welcome to Beyond Blue (BB)

Sounds to me like pretty classic depression symptoms

I'm really glad you've recognised the symptoms for what they are & got a mental health plan.  Hope it helps to know many on this site, including myself have been through the exact same type of experience you're going through - you can get through it with the right help, and you're doing that.

I really think that you might find it useful to talk to your step-mother or other family if possible.  It tends to add to your stress to go ahead and feel like you're trying to sneak around to sort yourself out - can really help to have someone in your corner.

In the meantime I'd encourage you to simply recognise you have an illness - it sucks, but some of us just tend to get depression.

Hope this helps a little

Kind regards

Scott

[Guest11]

Hi Scott,

Thank you for the kind words. I've been meaning to post here for some time now, but I couldn't quite put what I wanted to say in words. 

I really want to tell my family, to be honest I'm scared because I know how most of them feel regarding depression. Maybe soon I'll tell someone, until then I hope the doctor is enough. 

I think recognising I have an illness is what helped me finally get the courage to talk to my doctor. Hopefully I'll feel I can tell my family soon. 

Thanks again. 

[geoff]

dear Guest, thanks for joining us and knowing that there is a problem with yourself.

Can I ask you how Christmas went last year for yourself.

I agree with Scott, it seems as though you have depression, and at first we don't want to talk to family about it, because we feel as though they will never believe what we say, and tell us to 'just get over it and move on', it never works like that, because depression will stick to us until we can overcome it.

The part of this illness is that even our best friend or friends just leave and want no contact with us, simply because they can't help us, or continually get tired of us complaining or just saying 'I don't feel well', so they don't like all the attention being put on you rather them, so they go, disappear.

I am curious as to the relationship between your step mother and yourself, and this also includes other siblings if have any, as well as your dad.

There is so much pain going on inside you, so I hope that you reply back to us. Geoff.

[Scott_Depression]

Hey Guest

Appreciate the reply - well done. I know sometimes family can be pretty daunting to talk to, especially if they have a lot of preconceptions about depression.  It's unfortunate that some still in 2014 think it's something that can just be 'snapped out of'!

From the little bits you've written, seems like your step mum might be a little more cluey than the rest and may be first to talk to when the time is right.

Is there a plan for you to be assessed for medication to help you?

Take care - give an update when you can

Kind regards

Scott

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hey guys, 

This is the thread I started, I forgot my password and the rest thing would not work so this is me now. 

Hi Geoff, 

Christmas went well, I felt quite good for a while up until around February. I agree 100% about the friends thing, it sucks but it is what it is I guess. I've been thinking lately that someday I'll be better off not having them in my life, although I still often ask myself why they're gone and what I could have done to make them stay. 

My relationship with my step mother is quite complicated I think, although she is a caring person she's also the type who is your best friend when you are around and then your worst enemy when you're not, she tends to gossip a lot and can be quite spiteful especially towards me and my siblings. 

I have two older brother and two younger sisters, we're not that type family whose close to each other, never have been and doubt we ever will be, but out of all them I'd say I'm closer to my sixteen year old sister. 

My relationship with my mother and father is quite good, I live with my dad but I've always been closer to my mother, I feel I've always been able to open up more to her than him, just not about depression, go figure. 

Hi Scott, 

Thank you. You've hit the nail on the head there, unfortunately that's how my dad views depression, something that can just be 'snapped out of' if only it were that easy. I've always been curious as to why people say things like that, it's as if we just wake up one day and think "I'm gonna be depressed".

I'm not sure regarding medication, I've been on an antidepressant for a few months before, the GP said to have a few sessions with the psychologist before starting me on anything, I've got my second session in a few weeks. I'm not sure when the GP reviews it though. 

Again, thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply. Take care, 

E

[Scott_Depression]

Hi E

Good on you for taking the time to get back onto BB and post again - well done!

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do with doctors and psych.  If you feel frustrated with how things are progressing, might be worth going back to the doctors and see if he can look at med earlier, or ask psych to see you more frequently to help with a quicker assessment.

I know what you're saying about dad's - they can be pretty old school.  I'm sure on this site you'd be able to find resources that can explain the disease to even hardened old blokes like him!

It's going to take maybe a few weeks to see a noticeable change in mood - but stick with it - it'll pay big dividends in long term!

Keep in touch!

Kind regards

Scott

[brobej15]

Hi E,

I definitely agree about the stuff said about family. I didn't see that what people around me were saying could be more destructive than productive. My mum's partner I think is going through some hardships himself but he has seen how I have been the last few months and he always just said 'you'll get out of this, you have everything going for you, you'll be fine'. I think people say these things because they don't actually know what to really say. 

There was a point where I couldn't even look at my mum without crying. I knew I couldn't be at home, so I was staying at different people's house's for a week. It felt like I had no home, I had no choice because I had to get out of the situation. The depression took it's toll on me. Being in bed all day, everyday, you feel like you're wasting away.

I'm thankful that I've seen someone about it, I'm on a plan too. It's helping me move around the feelings and emotions so I can deal with them when I want to, rather than the emotions taking over me. I don't know whether you've read or heard about triggers - do you think your family could be a trigger? 

Hope that you get on track and that the light gets brighter and brighter for you!

B

[Flux_amp_Flow]

Hi Scott, 

The psychologists receptionist gave me an appointment last time I went for an appointment on the 5th May, she did put me on the cancellation list so that if someone reschedules I could get an earlier appointment. Thanks for the info about the dad stuff. 

Hi B, 

I think people say things like that because they don't understand what its like, until they personally experience it, if ever. My dad says everyone gets depressed, he told me he even has been before but he just moved on. If only things were that easy. 

Sorry about the situation with your mum, I hope it gets better for you. I know the feeling of bouncing around, staying here, there and everywhere. You feel like you don't belong anywhere. It's truly a terrible thing. I can definitely relate to being in bed all day not wanting to move, your mind races and you feel like absolute garbage. 

I dropped out of uni last semester, because I simply didn't want to get up everyday and face the world. I've started back this semester, I think it was a mistake. I don't feel ready to deal with it at the moment, even though before the semester started I was really excited to go back. 

Going to a GP and getting a mental health plan I think was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I'm glad that you too are trying to deal with things. 

I've read about triggers before, I definitely think that certain family members could be triggering my depression. I'll have to read more about triggers though. 

[brobej15]

Flux&Flow

I agree, people who don't know struggle to see it for what it really is. Especially if there's intervention. I think knowing that I'm starting to deal with it on my own, without everyone in the world knowing about what I'm going though has really helped - i mean the social media world and even some of my closest friends. I was in a very large social circle from my old part time job and leaving that environment without a fuss was the best thing I could have done! People who were used to seeing my day after day week after week have no started to ask questions but bottom line, they don't actually care about you, they care about your story. So i just woke up and knew that it's my story - regardless of what these other people thing. It's my story to write. I have to own it. Which is why I'm glad that despite what's going on around, you're doing what you can to get help 🙂

Yeah you're definitely right. The bed isn't even my own, so it's like just existing, not doing anything while everything else around you spins.