Lost and Lonely Mum

[LollieHS]

I'm certain people look at my life and think how lucky I must be. They see a vibrant, intelligent, happy and very friendly young woman and mother but the truth is I have never felt so sad and so lonely. It's hard wearing a mask everyday and not having any support to share how I'm really feeling. I am a Mum of 2 year old twins who are the light of my life, they bring me the only joy in my life. I often feel guilty for relying on their existence and presence to make me happy and realise that needs to change. Having twins is a lot of work and whilst I manage really well, the only support I have is of my partner. We don't have family near by that we can call upon regularly. I've hardly had anytime away from them in 2 years and going to the supermarket is my only form of 'me time'.
I'm exhausted all the time, I work 3 days a week in a job I absolutely hate, I have no real work relationships with colleagues and feel very alone at work too. I have 1 friend who is a life long friend but now also a long distance friend and we just don't have that emotional connection which I really need. I have tried so many times to make friends and put myself out there and I'm constantly let down, people not responding, or taking weeks at a time or my effort just isn't reciprocated. I don't understand why I have no friends and this has been a life long problem. 
I'm also having major issues in my relationship, my partner works full-time and does help with the twins but that is about the extent of it. We are having to move soon and he has done nothing to help prepare the house for sale and just complains when I get external assistance such as a gardener (which we can afford). Last week I opened up to him whilst I was at work as I was having a really hard day and trying not to cry at work. He never even asked me if I was ok or anything when I got home, it was like that never happened. I let him know I was disappointed he didn't check in on me and allow me to talk about it and he still hasn't checked in on me. This is only adding to my feelings of loneliness. I guess the only common denominator in this equation is myself...so maybe I am the problem. 
I have also been having some really intrusive thoughts about past traumas and things flooding my memory from when I was a child that I have never spoken about to anyone. Maybe I have a lot of underlying unresolved traumas. I know I have problems with emotional eating.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear LollieHS,

You sound like a lovely, warm, caring and sensitive person. I’m glad you have your beautiful 2 year old twins who are the light of your life. It is really understandable you are experiencing exhaustion and having a job you hate wouldn’t help.

As far as making friends goes and not receiving the empathic responses you hope for from your husband, it’s only natural to look for those needs to be met in human relationships. I sometimes feel that sensitive souls have a harder time. For example, we may not push ourselves forward as strongly as others who have more dominant personalities and make friends that way, and we also may hope for the empathic awareness we have of others to be reciprocated when others may be less sensitive in this way.

If you do consider yourself a sensitive soul you might do best connecting with those who are similar, perhaps through a shared common interest? I recently did an online course on something of great interest to me that included group discussions and I got to connect with like-minded people. It was validating and healing. I’m wondering if there are interest groups you could try out around something you love or a drawn to? I understand you are so busy right now, so would need to be something you can fit with care of your twins, work etc.

 I wonder too about therapeutic support to possibly work through past trauma issues? I would say you would want to see someone who is attuned to you and can work gently with you. After some searching I found a really good psychologist online and it’s been so beneficial for me processing past trauma experiences with her when, like you, I felt I had no one to share my vulnerabilities with and get the support I needed.

It can take some time and effort, but there are kind people out there to connect with and sources of support. You can also chat on the BB helpline 1300 22 4636 if wanting someone to talk to. All the best.

[jesse6969]

Hello Lollie i also feel loneliness and i am married and 5 yr old son just not sure why this is happening what have you done to help solve this.

[Fern42]

Hi LollieHS,

 I can see from your situation you have alot going on and it would be very understandable to be feeling exhausted from your job and to be feeling lonely and unhappy with the lack of support and connection you are feeling. There is alot going on in your life at the moment and I think it's important to remind yourself that it is fair to feel the way you are feeling regardless of how you think people may see you.

I am also piggy backing onto what Eagle Ray has said to you. I think it's important to find friends that are similar to you, like minded, self aware and are reciprocal in the way they give and receive love. It is not easy making friends as an adult. I have done this myself, starting from scratch. It was difficult and took time but I am so grateful that I did it. Have you heard of bumble BFF? this is for all ages, and you can really describe the individuals you are and the types of friendships you are looking for. I also understand you are a very busy individual, but making this connection online first may be a easier way to begin making friends while juggling your busy life.

Secondly, just a thought, have you ever thought about some counselling or psychology support to help you manage your unresolved traumas and emotional eating? If you have a GP, seeing them could be a good start and requesting a mental health plan to see a professional. 

I think it's important to remember, there is alot going on for you at the moment and little changes are required and can happen to make your life a little easier. But keep in mind all this is a work in progress, but small changes do amount to bigger changes. 

But please know if you just want to talk about these things going on in your life the forums are a warm and welcoming place for that. 

[Luci_Lu]

LollieHS l completely understand where you are coming from. I have felt so lonely the past few years & no matter what l tried to make friends l failed. I have a good husband & wonderful kids & am so grateful l have that. Without them l would have nothing. I put myself out there on different areas & always ended up on the outside & not fitting in. I came to the conclusion it must be me as everyone around me seems to make friends easily. Why can't l have the family & a friend? 

I also have past trauma which plays a big part in how l see the world & react. Recently l decided l wanted to work on myself instead of seeking others. Heal myself & be a friend to myself first. If  anything comes my way it'll be without me seeking it. 

Healing yourself will make you stronger & especially working through your past. Don't let your past shape your future or most importantly your present

[Rock21a]

Hey, I don’t expect a reply but I just wanted to say I hear and see you. I’m a twin mum also, soon to be 2, 3 days work week and feeling disconnected from everyone including my partner. I felt so lonely recently and the idea of feeling lost is something I can relate to also. It’s been a while since your post so I don’t expect you to respond but just reading some of the replies after searching for ‘lonely mum’ has given me some comfort knowing I’m not alone. I hope you are feeling more found than lost today.