Losing it

[Archived]

Oh my god I have so had it... I've tried my best not to post my own issues on here to not wrongly influence others but I'm just so tired... constant anxiety, depressed every single day, thinking about taking my life every single day, and I have no escape, I come online and I feel like I'm constantly getting stalked and bullied... there is just no end to it for me. I've already ended up in hospital a few times this year with my pathetic cry for help... I have a case manager I see every two weeks... I've been on 'anti-depressants' at the maximum dosage for months now. I'm still anxious 90% of the day.. I get told to 'deal with it'  and I'm 28 now, I feel like my time is overdue, like I'm not worthy of help. I don't know how to go about it anymore, I really dont...   

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[AGrace]

Hi Stella,

Welcome to the forums.

Thanks for making the choice to post your experience on here. I hope here you will feel supported, find out about others' experiences of better managing situations similar to yours, and perhaps even get some advice that you find useful.

Firstly I wanted to say that if you are having suicidal thoughts then these need to be taken seriously. Please contact Beyondblue, Lifeline, or in a crisis 000 or your CAT team. 

You mentioned that you've been bullied before when you have come online. This is intolerable behaviour, and I can only hope that it hasn't happened on this website. I'd like to think we are all a warm and friendly community. The thing I've found with bullying is that it's never done with the sole intention of hurting the person on the receiving end, but rather to make the bully feel better about themselves through belittling others. I am however really sorry that this has happened to you.

No cry for help is pathetic. In fact my opinion is that those who ask for help are the strong ones. I have been in hospital a number of times myself over the past 12 months. Sometimes it's the best place for us to be. I used to see it as a failure, like I obviously wasn't trying hard enough. I've since discovered that it's all just part of the treatment options available to us when we feel unwell. I guess if you had a physical injury/illness there would sometimes be a need to end up in hospital also.

I'm pleased to hear that you have a case manager on board now. What sorts of services do they offer you? Have you also researched your local community mental health service? They often have services such as counselling, centrelink workers, support groups etc and all are free. It could be something for you to look into.

Are you seeing a Psychologist or Psychiatrist at the moment? You mentioned that you have been on antidepressants for some months now. Although it does take a while for these to kick in, I find it best to have meds reviewed monthly. You can always change to a different variety, or you could even request an antipsychotic to help with the anxiety in addition.

"Deal with it" is not advice. I will post a subsequent reply regarding other coping strategies that I have found useful, and some links to other threads that might be of use.

You are still VERY worthy of help. I'm 34, and I'm still getting help. 

AGrace

[AGrace]

Hi Stella,

To follow on from my previous response, I wanted to ask if you have received an actual diagnosis at this point? Do you have other supports like friends or family? What do you do with yourself at the moment? Do you work or study, have any hobbies?

As mentioned the following are some techniques that I have found helpful with managing anxiety and depression.

1. Mindfulness - This is a technique to help bring awareness to the present. Anxiety usually has us focusing on the future "What ifs?", Depression wants us to ruminate over the past. We don't spend enough time in the present moment. If you would like to find out more google "mindfulness", "The Happiness Trap", "Tara Brach", or "Jon Kabat-Zinn". There are also a number of apps available "Smiling Mind" among them.

2. Distraction - Differing to avoidance, because distraction is about just stepping away from the problem until you feel better able to deal with it, then returning to the problem when you don't feel so emotional. Some distraction methods would be: Watching a movie, texting or calling a friend, going for a walk, shopping, cleaning, cooking, reading, art or craft, puzzles etc.

3. Self Soothing - We are often dependent on others to help soothe us (getting a hug from mum is a perfect example). Because our emotions are heightened so often during mental illness it's easier to implement some techniques to soothe ourselves. Having a bath/shower, having a cup of tea, eating chocolate/ice cream, Listening to calming music, doing some really deep breathing. You can also create a self soothing box. Mine contains nice pictures, a piece of fabric that's comforting, a stress ball, some rose scented oil, a tea bag, a chocolate, and some affirmations.

Guided Muscle Relaxation - A really good technique to practice for anxiety. I like 8 minutes to calm available on youtube. It only takes 8 minutes.

You could also have a look at some of the following threads:

Finding Joy when times are dark

Finding Motivation

You can search for these threads using the search function (top right of screen). Feel free to join the discussions there too, even if commenting on something you found helpful.

Other aspects to consider are sleep, diet, exercise, routine, having a balance of activities.

Beyondblue has a lot of great resources on their website. You could also google the CCI website for resources, self help workbooks etc.

I hope some of this is useful. I look forward to hearing back from you.

AGrace

[Obsolete]

Hello Stella and welcome aboard. I'm a noob here so bear with me.

A few things to remember always:

You're not alone.

People do care - if you let them.

You have just as much right to exist as anyone else on this planet.

You're seeking help - that's a good thing.

There's always another tomorrow with potential better than today.

[Archived]

I'm better at helping others than I am in helping myself. People in the past have told me that I - without realizing - talked them out of harming themselves. I know at least one of these people are now living a happy and healthy lifestyle.

My anxiety is just not something I can talk myself out of. I have nobody around that supports me and I'm always misunderstood. I've been getting the same awful feelings as I did at a very young age. Like the feeling of extremely negative memories. After what I went through at that age, thinking I had aids and that this aids took years to be recognized and the fear I carried throughout primary school has made it that there is just so little to look back on from my childhood. On top of that, for years, I had to tolerate the same racist evil teacher who made it all an even worse nightmare. Everyday I was yelled at and discriminated which influenced the others in my classes to do the same... I was scared to tell anybody about how I feel and I couldn't just stay home either... it was an absolute nightmare. I still live in the same house I did back then and every corner feels like a bad memory. The sun is out today and even that makes me feel anxious. I can't sit still, I can't relax, I feel like I constantly should be doing something and I can't focus on anything. Even watching a movie, I can't concencrate, I can't escape that awful awful feeling that consumes to where I can't even remember what the first half of the movie was about. 

These anti-depressants have maybe helped with the OCD as I've come to care less about everything in my room being aligned but the anxiety and depressed feeling is worse than ever. I attend the clinic fortnightly but my medication is prescribed weekly so some days I do miss out on my doses... my psychiatrist is difficult to deal with. My sessions are extremely short. Eveyr time I call triage, I end up in hospital. Maybe I do need to switch medications but my god that first month of starting an anti-depressant is beyond awful. I feel like there's evil going on behind my back, I'm so afraid, I have

nothing to look forward to and I don't feel safe.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
 

[AGrace]

Hi Stella,

I just want to say that if you have concerns over your safety then the best place for you to be is in hospital where you can be monitored 24/7 and receive the best treatment.

I can imagine such a step would cause you great anxiousness, but when you get there the Drs will be able to give you medication to help with the anxiety.

If you are really in crisis then call 000, the paramedics are quite used to dealing with people with mental health issues. They will also stay with you at the hospital until you are seen by someone so you won't be alone.

Will you please keep us informed as to how you are going. We are all very concerned for you and only happy to support you further.

AGrace

[Aminta]

Hi Stella. Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we're able to help in some way and provide support as it sounds like it must be very difficult for you to find any relief at the moment. I can relate to a number of things you've said. I experienced extreme anxiety as a child aswell. My Mother was an alcoholic, I lived in constant anxiety of her drinking and moods every day for years. I'm 25 now and have managed to tame my anxiety so it's not constant anymore.

It sounds like some of the medical professionals who are treating you aren't helpful. I've had a number of GPs, psychologists and psychiatrists and having ones that actually care makes all the difference. If you don't like one, change. If you feel a med isn't working for you try a different one. May I ask which medication you are on? Some anti-depressants deal with the anxiety factor better then others. When I was having a really rough time with anxiety last year I requested a medication change and it helped a lot. My doctor also prescribed me other tablets to be used only in emergencies. I think you need to tackle the anxiety first before we can properly assess the depression factor.

Seeking help is never something to be ashamed of. It means under all the darkness you do want to help yourself. Depression can make you feel ashamed of everything that is you but it is NOT the real you. Your time isn't over due, you're just over due for help and to start liking yourself again, or for the first time which is the case for me. Yes I might sound strong at the moment but I am very much going through a similar battle.

Your anxiety needs to be dealt with! If the people who are meant to be helping you aren't helping I want to make sure you find ones that will. That way we can make sure you get the treatment you need asap. Certain GPs can prescribe meds without the need to see a psychiatrist. I found a great GP by asking around for a female who was experienced in mental health. After she helped stabilize my anxiety with medication she referred me to a psychologist to learn anxiety techniques and have counseling. The first step is the right medication, it should take the edge off and the second is actively changing how you think. Obviously the med you're on now, even at maximum dose isn't working. I was on the max dose of the wrong medication for years and it made me worse rather then better. If you don't know how to find better help maybe we can help search or suggest some. If not we're still here to help and support you 🙂

[geoff]

dear Stella, I'm so sorry that it's been a couple of days since we have been able to reply back to you, as some slip through the cracks and are missed, and then pushed over to the next page by the number of posts that are sent in, so please accept our apologies.

When I was reading your first post as soon as you mentioned 'anxiety' it suddenly brings to mind the illness OCD, which I have had for 54 years, and actually if you search the pages there has been a great to and fro for someone with a username 'Purelight', where we have discussed her problems with OCD, so please it would be interesting to read.

There have also been many posts where people like yourself have always helped others before they help themselves, but these people have also fallen victim to depression, and the reason why is because these people talk to you about all the issues that confront them, and I'm sure that depression is included in this, so you do everything possible to help them with these problems, so it can be so intense that finally it's all too much and then you suffer from it yourself.

It's great to be able to help them, but you are neglecting yourself.

Having your medication given to you on a weekly basis isn't the best option, because if you over dose your AD's it will only make you feel very sick, but perhaps you could organise with the chemist to have a 'Webster' pack delivered to your door every week, it's only a small cost, and if you won't be home then get them delivered to someone's house, but you would have to sign a form authorising this.

I would also click under 'get support' at the top of the page and find a psychiatrist or psychologist on the list and contact one near you, these doctors are aligned with BB.

Personally I prefer psychologists, while others like psychiatrists, but if you contact the former then your doctor will have to prescribe the medication.

The reason why you can't remember the movies is because of your anxiety which means your OCD.

I am running out of characters to type and there is so much more I would like to talk about, as I'm sure this includes the people who have already done so, so please I would like to get your thoughts, and remember I have had OCD for so long so I understand what you are saying. L Geoff. x