"find someone to talk to"

[Beyond_Over_it]

You hear this all the time.... "Just find someone to talk to", "People want to help"...

What a load of crap. It would be nice if it was true but in reality, the reason people like me do not talk to anyone is because most people really don't want to hear about your problems. I've actually had people get up and walk away from a table when I've been talking about my relationship issues. They don't want to hear your boring depressing problems as it ruins their day. Even my best friend is not interested in talking to me when I feel down. She is over it. They all seem to think that you should just get better and stop whinging. 

Where was Robin Williams wife when he was at his lowest? She went out shopping. Surely she knew he was at a very low point. Why didn't she stay by his side?

i wouldn't mind betting this post doesn't even get published because it is too negative and depressing. 

[white knight]

Hi BOI, welcome here.

Yes, I do know that feeling. At a recent club get together a member said to me "I know you have issues but we just wanna have fun ok". Talk about slap in the face.

That comment was the precedent for me to realise I'm not suited to gatherings whereby the majority are firstly not real friends and secondly all they want to do is have "fun".

So we arent fun. We talk about our issues because those issues, how we can deal with them, how we manage them, how we CANT manage them are all non topics for these "friends". For me a real friend will dedicate their first 20 minutes upon meeting us - towards asking how we are. Then we can get things off our chest and seek anothers viewpoint. Then for the remainder, if we are up to it, we can dedicate our care and love for them by focusing on their problems.

That one reason I ended up here BOI. Because I didnt and dont fit in with clubs and their forums. I've written a few articles on this forum based on ideas of recovery. I do think we dont fit in easily into the masses. So we have to find ways to survive near them, live on the fringe of groups rather than one of the centre of the clan. Pull back from social media can help,

We have our own place in society...its just not where most are. We find this ideal as possible place in order to survive as fruitful life as possible -for us. As for negativity please remember- there are and have been many people with mental illness that have talent eg  Steven Fry, Van Gogh, Churchill, and Robin Williams. Most of us have some sort of unique talent. Often a big kind heart, high emotion and a view on life different to the average.

Some slip through the net, like Robin Williams. We cant judge if his wife was at fault- I'd say not. If he was determined then he would have found a way. His choice. A poor one I'd suggest but we couldnt be inside him to know.

Try to be positive and work towards your ideal life and lifestyle. Short, medium and long term plans. It worked for me. 18 years ago I was way down. Now I'm happy and managing my issues rather well.

I proved there was a long life ahead and I'm living it. But you have to be patient. Good luck

[Beyond_Over_it]

Thanks white night. I guess I am just at a point where I feel it is pointless to talk to anyone about how I am feeling. When it comes down to it we are all just on our own. Nobody really wants to listen. It's no wonder that some people give up. 

I appreciate you taking the time to comment though. 

[AGrace]

Hi BOI,

I recall having this discussion with my Psychiatrist some months ago. She drew up a map of all the people in my life and when it came down to it, it was only my Psychiatrist and Psychologist who slotted in to the need to know category. Thankfully they are trained to listen to people like us.

I don't really discuss anything with friends anymore. Most of my friends' biggest problems are things like deciding what to wear. So how can I expect them to comprehend what I'm dealing with? I only tell my family important stuff, like if I'm going into hospital. They have this idea that I'm better now and it's easier for me if they think that way, regardless of the truth. Sometimes I think the truth is too painful for others to hear. They want to help but they feel like there's little they can do. I keep my big discussions for my treatment team, and if need be here on the forums. 

Regarding Robin Williams' wife, she may have had absolutely no idea. I don't know about you but I've got heaps of masks that I wear. For instance, of my 128 employees not one of them would have known that I was suicidal, my partner didn't even know. When I lost my boyfriend to suicide I had absolutely no clue that he was even feeling depressed. I think she's probably doing enough self blame, and feeling enough self guilt without us adding to that.

It's true that we should be able to share how we really feel, but sadly we can never force anyone to listen to us. I know when my friends talk about work I tend to switch off because I can't relate to this anymore. So perhaps we're all a little guilty of not listening at times?

AGrace

[Beyond_Over_it]

I'm so humbled by the responses I've had here. I was feeling so down and over it and really thought that no one would want to hear what I had to say let alone comment on it. I expected to get reprimanded for being so negative. 

Maybe there is hope after all. Thanks so much 

[AGrace]

Hi BOI,

No reprimanding here. Negativity in a post is quite common, some of us are doing it really tough, and it can be difficult to see the positives in everything.

I'm glad that you have found coming here useful. I hope you will continue to post. I agree it sure is nice to have the support of the community. There's definitely hope, if you feel like you need a bit more inspiration, sometimes I find reading the stories of recovery helpful.

AGrace

[HelenM]

Hi Beyond Over It

Your post makes a lot of sense. I don't know why people don't want to know about our mental health problems. Perhaps it's because people want to hear all happy stuff and want to  be amongst fun people. Which isn't fair when it's friends. The shame is that talking about it is so important.

I hope you find the forum helpful.

Helen

[shyviolet79]

Hi BOI, 

I can relate to what you are saying here... It can be very difficult to actually speak up when you aren't going too well, and then to be criticised or judged unfairly is so demoralising...I have had family refuse to see me in the hospital as they 'don't believe in depression', telling me I need to just think more positively and that it's all in my head (well, yes! Of course it is 😉 ) Add onto this the feeling that we are burdening the people around us, and then yes, it can feel like no one cares or wants to hear our troubles...I have been in this tough place too, have sat on the floor with the phone in my hand, very distressed yet feeling like I had no one left who wouldn't just roll their eyes at me and tell me to snap out of it... Sometimes I have found the best people to talk to in those low points have been the complete strangers on the other end of the line via lifeline (or any other crisis helpline)...It can take a huge amount of courage to actually dial the number and start talking, but once you do, it can be very reassuring to be able to speak to someone who is trained in mental health issues, and also someone who isn't emotionally invested as family/friends can be...The other thing to keep in mind is that when a person is depressed, their thinking can be a little clouded or overly negative (purely due to the depression)...This can make us a bit over-sensitive and perhaps assuming that others are fed up with us when that might not be the case? I know I tend to think the worst when I am depressed... Keep posting on here when you need to ~ there are plenty of us here who are listening and want to hear how you are going 🙂

[geoff]

dear BOI, this is a a very good post and some great replies by all, but I would like to welcome you to the site.

Please there is no need to apologise to any of us, as there are plenty of times we want to let out some steam.

What does frustrate me is when you are in a hole and feeling so depressed and someone asks 'how are you' and you reply by 'not feeling well today', they then say 'join the club we all feel like this', maybe they are but normally they're not because they are running a successful business, although this doesn't make them exempt from depression as we all know, but they have asked you the question, and have now taken over, so it's a slam in your face.

So I only tell my psychologist,doctor and this site when I am feeling lousy, like when I have a relapse, and can I also say that what is the point talking to someone who doesn't give a damn, because it goes in one ear and out the other, and are always checking their watch.

When someone lives with a person who has depression they are never capable of understanding what is going to happen, just as my wife (ex) went shopping, just before I tried to end my life. Geoff.

[Torquil]

A couple of months ago I was at a function - had too much to drink and I started saying how I really felt - rang my wife and said "I have done something terrible - have said how I really feel'. She picked me up and within an hour I was in an ambulance with police escort on the way to hospital.

Saw a psychiatrist, diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder and now on anti-depressants but not really feeling any better - that's why I am here. The side effects of the drugs are no better than being sad - now I am sad with side effects..

I guess my point is that it is hard to talk to family and friends about not wanting to live anymore - I feel that I have been a functioning depressive person for at least the last 18 years. I feel worse when I discuss things - even with my doctors.I have become good at hiding myself.

I now feel that I have a terminal illness - depression. It may

kill me soon, or it may not. Why is it that Robin Williams suicides and we say how sad, but if I were to do the same I am gutless, or I have "taken a permanent solution to a temporary problem"? I have even been warned that if I did suicide I have raised the chance of one of my children doing the same. Bribing me not to kill myself?

And, how long is temporary anyway?

It is important that you take steps to keep yourself safe. We encourage you to call the beyondblue Support Service on 1300 22 4636. We can help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with counselling support, information and referrals.