Lonliness with no end

[Andyst]

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by posting here, perhaps simply expressing it somewhere will help or maybe help someone else. I'm 29, male, and have never been in a long-term relationship or at least any meaningful relationship. I feel like I've failed at life and there is no going back. I really can't see how or when I'm going to find someone that loves me. I constantly feel down, unmotivated and sad. I don't see anyway out.

In my late teens and most of my twenties I simply took the rejections and failures at dating to be just part of the process. But having recently moved back from the UK after 3.5 years there (I quit my job in my mid 20s to do a PhD), I see all my friends here moving on in there careers, in long-term relationships, getting married, or having kids. I feel left behind with no hope of finding happiness with anyone. All my female friends in the UK where either already in relationships or weren't interested in me. I really thought I would meet someone in the UK who shared my interests and things but it just didn't work out.

I don't see how things are going to change. The sort of employment that my PhD leads to is one where I will end up spending short amounts of time (1-2) years hopping between different unis. This is not going to help with settling down into a stable relationship. When I start thinking about the future and my 30s I feel my chest tightening and almost have a sort of panicked anxious feeling.

When I tell people how all this makes me feel they say I should be happy that I'm privileged to have been able to study what I love and do it at a high level. But I would give it all up just for a girlfriend or some prospect of a loving relationship.

[Leisa68]

Hi Andyst,

I was exactly like you, I went to the UK for two years, did not meet that magic person who everyone told me I was going to meet in the UK. I did not have any relationship at school nor throughout my 20's and most of my 30's. I felt alienated and depressed. It is impossible to be depressed and putting yourself out there to meet someone, so it is like a double whammy. I met my partner when I was 37 and we have been together for 15 years. This relationship isn't easy, however, I know I am lucky to have someone to understand.

I can imagine you had worked hard to get you PhD, I'm not sure if you are privileged, I am only on my second degree, and they are hard work. I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel: alienated and lonely. You probably feel different. Somebody came for me one day out of the blue and I was still doing what I normally did. Being alone is a causes very high anxiety. There is no easy answer. I just wanted to let you know the same thing happened to me and I am somewhere else now. I really really hope and pray that will happen for you too.

Kind Regards

Leisa68

[Guest_1643]

H Andyst,

I understand how the stability can help to find a relationship, and hopping between different academic communities might be hard in that regard. I do think it's a cool job and impressive to travel for work. I think being 29 is horrible - there is so much emphasis on turning 30 (when really it's so so not a big thing) and it can really make people feel bad about themselves. I feel many people experience this, and it's really sad.
I went on a holiday to another country because I was so anxious about turning 30. I ended up turning 30 alone, in a place where I knew no one, all because I was scared to acknowledge I was "getting old."
Now I look back and see that 30 is a vibrant age and my life was just beginning.
I do hope you meet the right person and I hope you meet them soon

[Meowface]

It’s really hard when you’re stuck in that black cloud to see a way out. My only advice is, try not to talk yourself out of friendships in Aus even those ones who have moved on to different stages in their lives. I made the mistake of doing that about 2 years ago and I ended up really missing them. You are still young and sound like an intelligent and thoughtful person who would be a great partner. Don’t give up hope.

[Andyst]

I really appreciate the responses above. It's made me feel a little less lonely about my lonliness (if that makes sense). It does help to be able say how I feel and know that I've been heard.

I'v also been thinking of getting some professional mental health help through my local GP because it is affecting my productivity and everyday functioning. Hopefully that will help.