Long time sufferer, first time forumer

[SinkingShip]

I've never joined or posted in any depression forums anywhere.

As I sit here, watching TV, watching myself type this, it still feels a bit surreal. What am I doing here? What do I hope to get from this? Will anyone even talk to me? Will I be judged? Will it be seen as a weakness?

Tears well in my eyes, and I find myself once again struggling. Heartbreak has brought me here. But first some brief history.

I lost my mum many years ago sure to cancer, didn't properly mourn, moved around the country to further my career, burying myself in work, I was running. |
Back in my home city, I kept trying to run, trying to cover the pain with alcohol and drugs until one day I broke down, and had the worst thoughts.

Instead, I saw a doctor, again broke down, was diagnosed depressive, and placed on medication.

Skip forward a few years, I'm a reduced dosage, in a great relationship, I started to let the meds run out, on purpose now I look back on it, to see if I could shake this on my own. After a few days each time I would go back to them as the withdrawals made me too light headed and weird.

I lose my job, but stay on the lighter meds, things get tough, but I stay tougher. The meds run out again, I push through the head spins and feeling weird, I get through the other side, I am medication free, feeling ok.

Then things start to crack, I'm having second thoughts, did I do this too soon. So I go back on them.

Yesterday, my partner of 3+ years, ended our relationship. I haven't felt this pain since my mother passed and I fear I may go back down the road I was once on.

I'm so lost, hopelessly lost. I feel like such a failure, a disappointment, and completely worthless. I'm so damn sad, and so damn angry at myself for failing this relationship.

I know this pain is probably normal in a relationship, but for some reason, this feels different. This feels like someone is sitting on my chest and belting my head around with a leather belt, like punishment.

I want to shake it, I know I have to shake it, but can't climb out of the hole, I just don't want to do anything but go back to bed.

[carnevermind]

I'm not sure what I can say that to make you feel any better, but I want you to know that things do get better in time. It might not feel like that right now, but I really do believe that you'll work through this.

Some relationships just don't work out, no matter how long the duration. I'm sorry that you and your partner are no longer together, but please don't be angry at yourself and don't blame yourself. It's not your fault and in time, you'll appreciate and value the relationship for what it was, during the good and the bad. One day you'll meet the person that will be there for you, even when you're at your absolute worst.

You're not alone, even though it may feel like it. There are people that love you and want to help. These forums are good too, it's reassurance people understand you and you're not the only one going through this.

I wish you all the best of luck, SinkingShip.

carnevermind xo

[blondguy]

Hello Sinking welcome to the BB forums and thankyou for posting

My name is Paul and I am sincerely sorry about the loss of your mum....and your partner ending the relationship.

You are not only strong but have great courage to reach out and post. I admire how self aware you are. There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you.

You would be lost right now. I was in the same life boat as you in early 2015...it can be dark place to be. I see that you have been proud to off your meds and good on you. And well done for getting back on them too!

You are not....a disappointment....a failure....or in anyway worthless...Being a public forum you are actually helping so many other people with the same feelings that choose or lack the courage to post...and thankyou.

Having being in the same dark place please try to grieve as you should and if you can try some gentle distraction via cell phone or txting a a friend.

You will never be judged here....you are among friends that can listen and be here for you. Like carnevermind mentioned you have failed or are to blame for what has happened. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break it as well.

You have many dark clouds over you right now...wanting to shake yourself from the storm you are in is fine.....please do give yourself some time to heal..

I can feel and understand your heartache....You are most welcome to post back as many times as you wish..

My Kindest Thoughts for You and if its ok a (hug) for your pain

Paul

[Clues_Of_Blue]

It's not unusual to feel like that when a relationship ends, especially when you're already suffering depression. Though it was my choice to end my last relationship I went through a lot of what you're feeling now - sadness, disappointment, anger at myself - and guilt for hurting him even though I knew leaving was the right thing to do. It was far harder than previous break-ups, as I'd felt more for him and tried harder to make it work and it still failed. And dealing with that failure was kind of like getting punched in the gut repeatedly for months, afterward. But it did eventually stop.

Sounds like you're at a place where you recognise previous mistakes in coping with depression, though, and wanting to find a new path, which is a good place to start. Running never works, unfortunately, but confronting the problem often does. It may even seem kind of worse at first, if you have the sort of backlog of horrible stuff to deal with that I have, but over time as you work through each contributing factor, it does slowly ease. If you need the help of medication, don't beat yourself up for that. I've used it, and I'm probably making my journey harder by resisting it now. It's not the first option or for everyone, but can help you to a place where you can sort through your thoughts and work on your problems.

I think maybe a psychologist or psychiatrist might be what you need, as medication on its own isn't enough. A confidant to talk through things with and to help you with coping strategies. And there are heaps of guides on this site an many others to little things you can do to try and stay afloat. It seems a bit trite, but stuff about eating right and trying to get enough sleep and a bit of exercise, forcing yourself to spend a bit of time with friends, it's all sound advice and can help you recover and stay well. Granted I have a way to go, myself, but I've dabbled in most of those things and they have helped me make a lot of progress. There's a lot of information out there to help these days, and plenty of people who are going through similar things and can advise you along the way.

[blondguy]

I apologise for interrupting your thread/topic Sinking...please forgive me

Blues Clues...You have some really good advice and input. I am only a depression sufferer but I wanted to thank you for your heartfelt and kind responses you have not only provided to Sinking but also to another thread I just read......Welcome to the forums...

Sinking.....I do hope you post back and let us know how you are going (if you wish of course)

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

dear SinkingShip, can I firstly say that the replies by those above have been very good, and NO you're not weak and won't be judged, everybody comes to this forum to express how they feel and what they are having trouble with, and to criticise anybody would be the worst mistake for anybody to do, so we never do.
It's very difficult to type what you want to especially when you aren't feeling too well, with tears in your eyes.
People try to escape when they lose someone that they have loved so much, because it can be too difficult to face the facts that they have gone, and I am very sorry for you for losing her.
It's too easy to turn to alcohol and/or drugs hoping that these will be the magic cure, but unfortunately they're not, it just prolongs the agony which we have to face up to and which we have to try and overcome, but that's never easy to do without the help and support of those who have been there themselves and the knowledge of our doctor and talking to a professional.
There is always the temptation for people wanting to reduce or stop taking their medication on principle or feeling as though that they now feel better and don't need to take them any more, and when this happens there is a great chance that they will fall back into this dark hole, and this happens often.
You can't blame yourself for ending this relationship, maybe it just wasn't meant to be, but after any relationship ends we do become a bit stronger, because we learn something else along the way, however when you are suffering from any type of depression it may exemplify your feeling and make it feel worse.
Please you now have to understand that you need assistance and can't overcome any of this by yourself, that's impossible because you just keep going around in circles and unable to get yourself to be able to cope with all of your pain.
I hope that we can hear back from you. Geoff.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks for the welcome, Paul. I've noticed your responses to various posts as well, and I think "only a depression sufferer" is perhaps a bit of a modest identifier. You're in a good place to share your story and help others, and it looks like you're doing a good job of it. It's heartening to see that sort of involvement. Nice to meet you.