Mid life issues

[Ruby__2]

Feeling very confused . Last child moving out going through menopause and husband and I have some health issues . I went to my doctor who said it sounds like I have anxiety /depression put me on anti depressants and I see a psychologist next week . I have been a stay at home mum and haven't done paid employment for over 15 years . I am pleased that I have raised 2 beautiful children who can stand on their own 2 feet (both teachers )but I feel at a loss and worry about the future . My hubby has worked 2 jobs so I could stay home . He was assaulted at work and the ensuing worker's comp issues caused us to sell our home . We are renting and I want to help by working but feel washed up at 54.Any suggestions ? I suddenly don't feel in control of anything . I get tired of putting on a brave face and so I have retreated a bit . My husband is supportive and I am so thankful for that but feel he will tire of it . People tend to dismiss my sadness with "you'll be right "but I don't know how to be anything but a mum . I don't feel confident . Sorry to be rambling but what I want to know is how do I move forward . I feel like I have boxed myself in and others just see me as mum . My husband got us a new dog last year after our old boy died ( 19 ) but I think I am still grieving for him.Any ideas would be appreciated . I think I have been depressed for a long time , so long it feels normal .

[Dwwmills]

Hi Ruby 2.

I am a similar age and whilst our children are still home that won’t be long until they are gone. The thought of it is unsettling and it concerns me as well. Whilst this what would been hoping for, our children grow up independent it’s still sad to see them go.

I’ve dealt with anxiety for years but have got it under control recently so I would encourage you to see your psychologist as there is no need to suffer this any longer than you have to.

The thought of finding a job can be quite daunting. A lot of the skills that you’ve used in running a house and raising children are directly transferable to a work situation. The best way to gain confidence is to set goals and attempt to achieve them. It doesn’t matter if you don’t achieve the goal as you always learn something in the attempt. The only time you can truly fail in my opinion is when you stop trying. I think it is taking a long-term view which helps overcome short-term setbacks. If the first few attempts at finding a job don’t work, look at it as a learning experience. The more things you attempt, the more people you meet and the network of possible opportunities grows and grows. Don’t take it personally either as to some degree it is a numbers game. Keep a list of people you have applied to that you think you might like to work for after meeting them at the interview to see if they have a position vacant. This will show that you are in fact interested and keeps you fresh in their mind for when they are hiring. Quite often if they hear of someone else looking for an employee they may put your name forward. This is how I secured my first job.

Good luck.

Dean

[Ruby__2]

Hi Dean , thanks for the advice . Sometimes knowing how to begin is the first hurdle . I will be keeping appointment with psychologist . Changing a lifetime of routines doesn't come easy to me so trying to see it as a positive will be my first goal.Thanks for the perspective of a clearer head than mine at the moment .

[Dwwmills]

Hi Ruby 2.

I hope your psychologist appointment goes well. It can take a couple of appointments to get a feel of things.

Changing a lifetime of routines can seem daunting. Thinking about changing everything all at once is just too hard. I found changing really minor things to be helpful. I work from home so I finished up being responsible for cooking and shopping for the family. I decided I was going to cook one thing new a week. This was something I had control over and the consequences were not that great if I got it wrong. The change this made was amazing. The family really enjoyed the different meals. Sometimes the meals were good sometimes they weren’t. I regularly cook 2 to 3 meals that we haven’t had before each week and it has made the family meals an exciting event. I now have a huge list of favourite meals that I know I can cook any time and the family will enjoy them. The confidence I have gained from making these changes has spilled over into other areas of my life. A small change in one area of my life has had flow on effects elsewhere. I don’t think it really matters where you start as long as you start on something. We never know what the effect of a small change will be in the end but as long as we start somewhere I think this is all we need to do.

Cheers

Dean

[Ruby__2]

Hi Dean. Well this weekend will be hard as it will be moving day for my daughter . It is great to see her excitement in taking this big step and I know she is very capable . I think part of my problem is that it has reminded me of why I left home . I have decided to turn her room into a space for me so I can revisit hobbies like sewing and reading . I am trying to turn it into a positive . I do like your meal suggestion as I can cook our regular meals with my eyes shut lol. Thanks for sharing 🙂 I am very new to forums but it is so encouraging to "talk "to others as I don't feel so alone in my feelings and no one gets annoyed at you -a safe place 🙂 Hope you and yours have a lovely weekend . Thanks again , Sandra

[pvroom]

Hi Ruby,

I am not in the same situation, I only just became a mum almost a year ago. But it is a big life change so I can identify with that. Can I suggest, are there any hobbies you have been interested in but have never taken up? Maybe that would help? Or, could you join a group? I have just joined the CWA, maybe you could volunteer at a dog shelter if you like dogs? Or maybe something to do with kids given your wealth of experience in raising children? There are so many people out there looking for volunteers. And then perhaps, once you have done that for a while, you may feel ready to get into the workforce?

Best wishes for this weekend, I hope that your daughters moving out day isn't too stressful for you.

[Ruby__2]

Thanks for your very kind thoughts . My hubby and I both had a big cry on each other's shoulders as our 'baby 'moved out today . Believe me , no matter how big your children get they are always your babies in your heart . Enjoy your little one for while sometimes it is difficult as a parent you will find that time does indeed fly . I am new to BB but have taken much from everyone's suggestions and do intend to explore some options just trying to take it easy to regroup . At the moment focusing on my pets (cat as well as dog ).They don't answer back lol but do give me something to do . I think I forgot about me while being at home with the kids so will have to discover me again -whoever she is . Take care and enjoy that bub and thank you .

[White_Rose]

Dear Ruby

Hello and welcome. I think you must be a great mom because you have so much insight into yourself and your family. You have recognised that children leaving home is inevitable and, as you said, life has changed in a huge way. I had been living on my own for 14 years, then two years ago my grandson came to live with me. So now I am back looking after a young man, now 19, when I thought all that was over. And it was just as hard to get used to as it was when my children moved out (and back and out again).

Once you get used to it I think you will find benefits, one of them being the changed relationship between your and your children. You get on as adult to adult, in general, though of course they are always your children.

I love your idea of making your daughter's room into your space for the activities you enjoy. That was one of the first things I did in my new house 16 years ago. Actually I had two rooms; a study and a crafts room. Unfortunately my grandson got the craft room and I had to move furniture around several times before I found a nook to do my craft stuff. I think we are both comfortable now.

I suggest you concentrate on your own health first before trying to re-enter the workforce, mainly because going back to a paid position is exhausting. But I agree with pvroom that finding volunteer work would help you a great deal. You can start getting used to regular hours of work in a controlled way, probably work shorter hours, and get used to working with others again. I doubt that you are washed up at 54. I did a uni degree at that age, part time. I suspect all you need is the confidence to go out into the working world again.

Dean has given you great advice about meeting prospective employers and keeping in touch with them. And it quite correct that you have skills at your finger tips that you acquired being a housewife. Don't let anyone tell you it's an easy job. Financial manager, child psychologist, nutritionist, chauffeur, excellent communicator and people manager. It's all there. Go Ruby.

Let us know, if you wish, how you get on with your psychologist. It will take a couple of visits to become comfortable with each other so don't expect great things immediately.

Mary

[Ruby__2]

Hi Mary . I appreciate all the advice . I had thought I would be ok as eldest moved out 2 years ago (her room is now the cat's room)but was probably just delaying things and not really facing what was inevitable . My husband works at night so I have a lot of time alone and have been fine with that until now . I will let you know how psychologist goes -still a week away . My gp is supportive as are people here . Never thought I'd need help so it was hard to reach out . So glad I did . Although I feel Pandora's box has been opened .Medication is starting to help even things out a bit so I can slowly feel logic and rational thoughts returning . Thanks for your support 🙂

[White_Rose]

It's great to hear you are feeling better Ruby. ADs do start working slowly but often we can feel a small effect in a few days. What a wonderful feeling when our brains start to work in a proper manner. Sounds like the black dog is being put back on the leash.

Once I became comfortable with the idea that people wanted to help me, I found it was terrific. It was a bit unnerving that people looked out for me. Almost worthwhile being sick. My GP is also wonderful and has walked with me for a long time. There are some fantastic people out there.

Mary