Little things collect like stagnant water

[Miss-Anne-Throwpy]

Wasn't planning on typing further posts here but there's nobody else. I am in a hole and it sucks. Sunday was a good day for me. First good day in so long I can't remember. I was actually having a laugh with a friend I hadn't seen in months and I felt good. Monday arrived and I was anxious and teary. Tuesday similar though not as bad. Today I feel both good and bad and I can't explain that, I really can't. Does anyone know what I mean?

Am off work until next week so it's not agoraphobia or work stress, just depression I guess with anxiety for no reason. I am bipolar. Work haven't really kept in touch, which is kind've a relief really. I did call in of course. One message from an manager asking me to call again was returned by me 4 times but couldn't get through. After a couple of hours of trying I instead left HR a voice message and an email, which was acknowledged so I assume no news is good news. I will call again tomorrow though to be responsible. I can't afford to be unemployed.

I'm well aware this job is not a good fit. It is an area I've had a great deal of past experience but I guess it has evolved and changed a lot over 20+ years. I am applying for other more suitable roles as well as entry roles in a different industry. I'm mainly seeking part time to be sensible as I'm not quite right. If that all works out (really soon), then I feel like I can save myself.

I have cancelled my psychology appointment on Friday as I haven't the funds to go.  I'm not paid when not at work. On a good note, I think the new medication is settling. It still sedates me but seems less than before. I can think better and not drift and nod off. Hopefully my weird up and down emotional mood is about the settling in of medication. Being back at work will be the big tell... Well the horrible CBD peak hour commute probably will be too.  Ahh, I just feel so out of control and lost. 

I've discovered a new mental health group, Mind that is somewhat more local to me than the 2.5 hour commute and there is potential of no cost psychology of some description. Unlike the Government standard issue, they were actually lovely on the phone and seemed keen to help. I just need to take the right steps to get the ball rolling. This could be very good. I was floored that they sounded approachable and I got through in 2 minutes. It's stuff like this that lends hope.

[white knight]

Hi Miss anne

I'm on a couple of meds. I know, from trying 12 others that these are right for me and I have permission from my doctor to adjust the dose a little if need be.

But, being bipolar, depression and dysthymia, my days are a lottery. So I have to adjust my attitude daily. Sometimes I'm a little manic, other times depressed, sometimes emotional and poetic and on rare occasions I'm angry at life. It all fuid and I face it each day.

Being married if there is friction between us it doesnt help or if an extra bill arrived. I'm fragile, fickle whatever words fit.

But....I'm also very very positive. At the same time I'm all those things, I'm compassionate, caring, affectionate, punctual, good dad, love life etc etc etc.  These are the qualities that have to outweigh the ups and downs. If they dont, then I know I'll be worse off over a period of time.

To stimulate my down moods I might have to go for a long walk, go to the cinema, have a bbq with family, ride my motorcycle and so on. Cheap remedies.  This lifts me up so I can deal with the downs better.

So tip the scales. Smell the roses. One of the best bits of advice I ever got was from my first wife "Tony, you will only know how wonderful life is....when you watch a flower bloom...from start to finish."  I have and its great.

I can handle all the bad days because I make my good days great.

Tony WK