It's very strange when you realise that you are actually really alone.
You can be lucky enough to have friends and people and family around
you, but really when it comes down to it, you are alone. Maybe it is
because I don't have children of my own. ...
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It's very strange when you realise that you are actually really alone.
You can be lucky enough to have friends and people and family around
you, but really when it comes down to it, you are alone. Maybe it is
because I don't have children of my own. I think many people survive
losing a partner , or separations because they have to keep going for
their kids. I lost my husband to suicide. Lost my dad to cancer and now
had a messy break up because I jumped in to needing a bloke too soon
after being widowed. Stupid. I look back now and realise how stupid. But
how vulnerable to doing it again. I am a bloody strong woman in so many
ways, and so pathetic in others. I seriously am driving myself nuts. I
chose not to have children. I am ok with that decision. But it does make
me wonder what purpose I am on this earth for. Really, why am I here? I
keep thinking I have something to offer, something to contribute to the
world. Even braiding my nieces hair, and painting their nails is
something worthwhile. Would anyone miss me if i was gone. Maybe for a
few minutes, but, life would go on, and I too would be another blip in
life. Friends say they will help, and they do the best they can. But
when it comes down to it, it's all only up to me. To live or die. To get
on with it or not. No one is going to come in here on a white horse and
fix it all up for me. Gosh I wish they would. But basing that on my past
history, they would be completely bonkers and ending up making my life
worse. So why can't I just get up and get on with it? I am so
disappointed with myself. Either get up and get on with it with
confidence and vigour or give up. And even this self pitying drivel of
my own is just not right, so many people are in terrible situations and
much worse off than me. I didn't want to be my own pity party!
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