Finally admitting I have depression

[Sylar]

Hi there,

            I guess on some level I've always known that ive had depression. But have never admitted it to myself because I've always felt that admitting it would mean that I'd let it consume everything. But I think perhaps it's slowly crept up on me anyway. 

I fill out my day very well. I excersise, i run, work, socialise way to much in order to keep myself from coming home and letting myself realise my reality. Essentially im pretty happy in doing these things. But at the end of everyday I realise my harsh reality of not being who I thought I was going to be. Everything I work for falls apart and that I have no confidence, such low self esteem and negativity about myself that I spend hours every night condemplating my life. I refuse to sleep because I feel like I'm wasting precious time when i should be working on how to get my life together. I fidgit constantly and can never shake the feeling of being lost. Lost with work because it's a dead end job and i hate it. confused about my sexuality that i have accidentally formed a double life on. The straight me vs the gay me. I tell myself i identify as being a lesbian but I think that perhaps I just got over being told that i was my entire life that perhaps i just went along with it. 

Growing up I wasn't allowed to be sad or cry or show much emotion at all. I thought once I moved out and went to uni it would all sort itself out. It never did tho. I guess I feel trapped in a life full of making everyone else happy and caring for everyone else that I forgot that i maybe needed the help. I have no support because im everyone else's rock and because I don't know how to ask for help. 

My world appears very normal but im honestly struggling with myself and can't overcome helplessness 😕 

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[Jacko777]

Hi Sylar,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you are talking about this and I think a lot of people here will understand some of the things you are going through.

I think if you can develop some plans with each issue you will feel somewhat better. It helps me to separate my issues, on paper, put down all the important parts of my life where I can see them, then separately develop plans to reach goals bringing it back to the small steps I can take today. So for you one issue would be your mental health, your goal is to be happy and a small step you could take today towards that goal would be to seek out some support, you could make an appointment at your GP or you may already have a counselor? Some good support from a professional would help you a lot right now, to talk through your feelings on depression and sexuality. You are right, things don't necessarily sort themselves out and you are obviously seeking some clarity right now.

I think most of us can relate to struggling with our job. It might not be easy to shift to a job that you like but you can learn to control how much energy is lost to the job you have.

Perhaps some of these hours at night could be spent doing something relaxing that brings you peace and happiness. Have you tried meditation? What are you passionate about? Maybe time spent in your passions will start something new and bring you some satisfaction.

Maybe you can't always be everyone's rock, I think it is okay if you tell your family and friends how you feel some times, I think they would want to know.

Talk any time. Jack