Life

[Toad]

(trigger warning for dugs, self harm, and mentions of suicide) I don't really know what to do with my life, or how to function anymore. I haven't cleaned my room in months (you can't even see the floor) and it's getting harder and harder to keep up with assignments. My parents divorced a few years ago and my mum started spiralling and became depressed so I went to live with my dad for a few months. I later found out that she was and (I think) is using some type of drugs to cope (some kind that makes you productive?). Now I live half the time with each parent, and my mum is better I think, but our house still stinks from the mess and... I don't really know what's happening in the other area. My dad is OK but very distant and strict. A couple months ago his girlfriend moved in with us and brought her 3 kids, so the house is very cramped with 7 of us (I also have a little sister). My stepsister and younger stepbrother are nice, and I'm particularly close with the girl, but my older stepbrother is a bit, well I don't really know how to put this but a bad person, he has ADHD and I get that's a struggle, but I am autistic and (I think) I'm still a nice person. Our parents (dad+step-mum) started rationing food and he always takes food out of everyone else's boxes, so now we don't have enough to eat lunch at school. And he will have these outbursts in which he threatens to kill everyone, honestly his mum coddles him and he has way less chores and more allowance than the rest of us, but that is what it is. About a year ago I turned to self harm to deal with it all, well actually that's a lie, I don't really know why I do it, but I guess I'm just addicted now😅, I don't actually want to stop and I think that's what scares me, the only person I can really talk to is my stepsister because I know she wouldn't tell anyone. I've been really depressed lately and just don't have the energy to do anything. I have tried to KMS a couple times when I was younger (we don't talk about year 3) but there's no way I would do something like that again. I'm lacking motivation for school, which really sucks cause I pride myself on my grades. This is mainly just a rant, but if you have any advice on how to have energy I'm all ears!

[Sophie_M]

Hey Toad,

Thanks so much for sharing here. First of all, we’re really sorry to hear how much you’ve been going through. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, and it makes total sense that it’s affecting your mental health, motivation, and energy. When we’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious, it can be really hard to find the energy for things like school. It’s not your fault, and you’re not alone in feeling that way.

It’s incredibly upsetting to hear about the threats from your stepbrother. That must feel really scary, and you absolutely deserve to feel safe at home. No one should have to live with that kind of fear. Using self-harm to cope with tough emotions or trauma is something some people turn to when things feel out of control. It might feel like the only way to manage the chaos around you. Telling your stepsister about it was a really brave step. Is she someone you feel safe talking to about this kind of stuff? Having even one person to talk to when those thoughts come up can make a big difference.

You shouldn’t have to carry all of this on your own. We’ve reached out to you privately, but we also wanted to share a few places you can turn to for support:

• School Wellbeing Team
  Talking to someone at school, like a trusted teacher or wellbeing staff, can help make sure someone knows what’s going on. They might be able to help with schoolwork, food, or just give you a safe space to talk.
• Create a Safety Plan
  ReachOut has a great guide for making a safety plan. It’s a tool to help keep you safe when you’re having thoughts of self-harm or suicide.
  Check it out here
• Chat with a Counsellor
  • Headspace: You can join group chats or talk to a professional online or over the phone on 1800 650 890
  • Kids Helpine: Available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 or via webchat
  • Beyond Blue: Available 24/7 on 1300 224 636 or via webchat
• In an Emergency
  If you ever feel unsafe or need medical help right away, please call 000.

Just in case no one’s said it to you lately: you’re doing an amazing job! You’re dealing with so much, and reaching out for support takes real courage. We’re really proud of you for being here. You’re always welcome to come back and chat with us whenever you need. We’re here for you. 

Take care of yourself, Toad 💙

Kind regards,
Sophie M