Lovers or Flatmates

[_A_]

42 year old Male in a relationship rut? 

Partner of 12 years is present and says she is happy in relationship. But her actions speak differently. Her Physical intimacy - gone. No signs of spark or desire

Her desire of (general 1v1 time) are gone

I often feel with everything (kids, work, homelife) I am last place in her eyes

I feel like I give my all Physically and emotionally within the relationship. But no matter how many times I raise my issues (namely the above) I feel like they are ignored

Life can be difficult, and issues exhasibated with everything life throws (and 2 x teenage kids) i get that. 

But am I being naive and is this 'house mate' feeling I've had now for a few years. Really the writing on the walls that I've been trying so hard to push past? 

[therising]

Hi _A_

I feel for you, as long term relationships can definitely be challenging in so many ways.

I'm wondering whether you've spoken to your partner when it comes to helping her make sense of what she feels could be missing in the relationship, as maybe she's not fully conscious of it herself. From a female perspective, I can say things definitely change in a long term relationship as a partner, a mum and with our own personal self. They tend to go 'next level' as you outgrow what used to work or as life becomes more challenging. For example, if what used to work in a relationship is next to no romance or adventure, that's okay, but now there may be a call to go next level to greater levels of romance and adventure (so as to feel more alive). What used to work when the kids were little may have been simple or basic things for problem solving or running them around. As kids become more complex and their demands grow what used to work no longer works. Greater levels of energy and problem solving may be needed, along with more input and support from others ('takes a village to raise a child' as the saying goes). If what used to work personally in the way of joy, self development and greater self understanding no longer works, next level joy, next level self development and next level self understanding may be the call as we outgrow who we used to be. Perhaps a question worth asking your partner could be 'Do you feel like we're moving into a new phase of our life together?', with perhaps an added 'What do you see that looking like?' or 'What do you want that to look like?'. Such questions tend to trigger the visionary in a person. If the answer happens to be 'I don't know', the challenge becomes about working it out together, as opposed to walking away from someone who could be feeling lost in not knowing.

The business of raising kids, running a household, going out to work, managing a relationship and all those other things can be challenging to say the least. It typically goes in order of priority. The kids and work take priority, next may come the housework (based on the house looking like a dump if no one manages it). After that, there's possibly enough energy left to get ready for bed and that's it. That can be tough on the person and their partner. When care of a relationship and self care are low on the list of priorities, based on there being next to no time and energy left, how time and energy are managed needs to change. What that looks like can again require some brain storming and the development of a greater degree of vision.

Btw, after being married for 23 years, I can relate to the 'housemate' scenario. I said to my husband just last week 'We need to develop a more exciting vision together because I can't see this relationship going anywhere'. It has been pretty much the same old same old for more than a decade. While I'm basically happy (content) there is just no excitement. While a relationship can be hard work at times, what tends to keep it alive is excitement, things to look forward to and good communication.