Hi Keeeks84
I feel for you so much as you face so many challenges all at once, including the loss of your relationship and the loss of your Aunty. Such an intensely challenging time for you.
If it's of any help, I personally like to occasionally imagine my life from a bird's eye view, like a map. Bit of a Lord of the Rings kind of map. There are hills, valleys, forests etc. With so much unexplored territory, there may be times when I'll need to ask for directions or ask 'How do I navigate this part that feels so challenging and dark'. When there are no obvious signs when it comes to which way to head, guides are the next best thing. They can help lead and light the way. To return or turn again to seeking guidance is natural. I like to look at it as 'fast tracking', along my life's path. It can save a lot of time.
While I've managed depression on and off since my late teens (I'm now a 54yo gal), I reached a point around 35 where I decided I'd never take anti depressants again unless I absolutely had no choice. I simply found the search for the right one to be too depressing. It's been about finding what else works ever since. Like starlight, I've found certain videos and books have made some difference to me. A couple of great books would be 'Becoming Supernatural', by Joe Dispenza and 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. 'Becoming Supernatural' is a very different take on mind/body/spirit. How neuroplasticity/epigenetics/quantum physics all work together sounds like a hard read but with the way the author writes, it proves to be an easy and truly fascinating read. It helps make sense of why we can be suffering in so many different ways all at once. 'Insanely Gifted' is a brilliant book that tackles the challenge of inner dialogue. In a nutshell, it's about how parts of us come to life that can either lead life to feel like heaven on earth or hell on earth. What those parts sound like and feel like is one thing, it's a whole other thing to be able to manage them like a pro. Both authors write from personal experience. Their journey toward wellness began with the need to address what was intensely depressing for them.
I've found a specific type of meditation to also be of help. It requires in incredibly vivid imagination. It's about being able to visualise going to a place where I meet with a guide, whatever form that guide takes. The guide can be anyone or anything. While imagining the guide we're meeting with has all the answers, part of the challenge is about asking the right questions. The guide could even be your Aunt, if you choose for them to be. The next part of the challenge involves seeing or hearing what naturally comes to mind (without thinking). For example, you could ask the question 'Why do I feel so lost at the moment?'. What your imagined guide reveals to you could be a signpost with nothing written on it. That's the image you're being led to see. What could come next could be your imagined guide saying 'You need to determine what you're going to write on that sign because, at the moment, it points to nothing'. It's definitely hard to get out of the habit of thinking and into the habit of letting things come to us naturally. Maybe you're already a fairly intuitive person, where things tend to come to you naturally, but you're struggling more so at the moment given the upsetting challenges you face.
If anything, the things that have made the biggest difference to me over the years are a sense of wonder and an open mind that's carefully managed (to not be too open). 'I wonder if this will work', 'I wonder if this book will reveal something I need to know', 'I wonder if the person I speak to next will offer me a new perspective' and on it goes. A sense of wonder can lead to an exploration down an enormous and truly fascinating rabbit hole. ❤️
