life sucks and i have lost myself

[loobygirl]

hi, when i was in my 20s i enjoyed life. i was married at 23 wit 4 children. things tumbled when i hit 30 and no happiness in sight. my husband left me with small children and i was pregnant at same time with 5th child. i gave birth and was grieving and looking after 5 small children wasnt easy. my husband had affair with my best friend. i lost two people not one. 3 years later i met a guy who i thought was soul mate. my ex was jealous and was putting kids in middle. that person left me and 2 years later at age 35, i fell in love again. problem was he needed help with immigration to stay here. i loved him i did it. i married him and had his baby. sadly he didnt tell me he had a girlfriend back home. she would fight to keep her relationship with him. he had an affair with girl from work who told me about affair when i was pregnant to him. he used to beat me anytime i say i loved him or ask why dont he love me? i did everything for him to try and make him happy. night after night he never came home till past 11pm totally drunk. i would worry about him. he told me too he wants to commit suicide. i stayed by his side through it all. it made me so sad i cry myself to sleep every night. before i had his baby i had miscarriage and i haemorrage at home. scared confused and alone i was afraid n i called the ambulance. i was taken to hospital and was told its a miscarriage. i begged the hospital i want to stay i didnt want to go home but they said i couldnt. i went home and saw porn on my computer, a totally drunk man in bed. he never cared if i lived or died omg. well we broke up after my baby turned 1yr old and i received text message im dead from girl back home he engaged too. he lived in another house but he be asking me to come every weekend n hang n have sex which i did for 3 years later until he stopped wanting me.

i have no relationship with my mum nor my father. my mum is racist and doesnt like the people i married. she insults me and calls me dirt and im unclean.

i have no friends either. they go to club and never invite me or do anything with me i feel. we only go out to eat. which i think contributes to my fatness.

i have no stable job since i was made redundant 2 years ago. i went back to uni since redundancy just keep trying but nothing is working. when i fail a class i feel i cant do it. im dumb stupid fat and unlovable as i keep losing relationships than gaining. im not introvert and i cant get out of this rut. help me pls

[bigfatpj]

Hi

I hope your ok

Sounds rough gotta keep your head up people can be douches and sounds like you shoulda left the immigrant long before you did well done on that but try not to let it get to you it can be tough i know ​

[pipsy]

Hi loobygirl. I'm worried about the fact you feel so alone. Is it 5 children you have. are you getting any financial assistance from the father's or family services. You are entitled to financial support. Do you have a regular Dr you can talk to? I suggest you get to your Dr's and ask about getting a referral to a counsellor/therapist. Also try to get to c'link, see about financial support. With young children you need help. Do you live in a rented accommodation? I don't think you're dumb, I feel you've been used and abused. Not your fault, when you have no guidance and your parents don't or won't help. You've been left to your own devices, no experience where men are concerned. None of what's happened is your fault, circumstances beyond your control have put you where you are now. have you contacted BB's helpline, lifeline both are 24/7 for guidance to get you feeling better about yourself. There is also Anglicare which could help you financially. Perhaps when you're feeling more positive, you could look at re-enrolling at uni or tafe, where you could continue with studies. Maybe you could ask your Dr about short term AD's to help you with feeling better. Try not to do too much too soon. For now, concentrate on getting financial help, Dr's help. Once you've gotten past where you feel now, then you can look at the next step. Small steps.

Please don't feel you're alone, you've reached out, you'll never be alone now. These forums are here for you, also 24/7.

Lynda.