Life-long.

[Mal50]

Hello, 

I can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. There have been times when I've experienced happiness but the depression has always remained just beneath the surface. I often have a facade of being a joking and jovial type of person but inside I seriously want to die. All the Depression Self-tests I've done show that I'm in the Very High bracket

physically, emotionally, and

sexually abused as a child, with a very controlling mother who chose to chain me up like a dog (this is the truth), did not do a lot for my early development.

Since about the age of 16 there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about

death and wished it would come quickly. If not for the fact that I'm a gutless coward I would've taken my life a very long time ago.

I honestly don't think I can be helped because it's something I've had my entire life, it's a part of me.

Thank you for reading my post.


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[dougall]

Hi Mal50 you have made a start by telling your story here and there are other people who have experiences that can help.  It is brave to post on here and I think you have done a brave thing.

[Mal50]

Thank you Dougall, it's always been very hard for me to express my feelings. I'm a very closed up person. I was always taught from a very early age that talking about feelings was a sign of weakness.

[Jo3]

Hi Mal

Welcome to BB forum.  I actually responded to another post of yours in anxiety.

Dougall is right, you have made a start in joining us here and expressing how you feel.  Even though it is tough, painful, hurtful and extremely difficult - you have made a start.  Thank you for sharing.

I too was abused as a child and only remember 4 yrs ago when I was 45. And I also have a very controlling and manipulative mother who controlled me all my life up until 4 yrs ago when I told her and dad about the abuse memories and they abandoned me. We are talking again now but very very limited on my part.

I am an introverted person who keeps things to myself and find it very difficult to express how i feel or what i want to say because i get so emtional. but being on here has helped me a great deal. Knowing that i am not judged by anyone is a great help.

Hope you stay in touch

Take care

Jo

[dougall]

Hi Mal50 you are not alone in being brought up that way.  My dad wanted boys and ended up with 2 girls so I know all about not showing any weakness.  It is good to open up, sometimes we just need a place to say what we want to say not for a response or an answer but just to get it out of us.  That is why I think this forum is great because you can say what you are feeling and not be judged or be expected to take the advice or give advice.  It is all about being able to let out what is bothering you at the time.  I am proud of you for taking the first step.

[white knight]

Hi Mal50, welcome

By posting here you have joined a unique family. We are here for you as much as volunteers can be that suffer similar illnesses and restrictions.

You've had a tough early life but together we can try to make the rest of your life that little bit easier, but the extending of our care and thoughts- for you.

Take care  Tony

WK

[Mal50]

Thank you Dougall and W K.

[dougall]

You are welcome, keep posting.

[Mal50]

Hi Jo3,

I'm also very introverted. The first sign of any confrontation and I withdraw into my shell like a frightened turtle. BTW, my so-called dad left shortly after I was born, and I was born 7 weeks premature because he killed my mother in the stomach while she was carrying me. He was a total mongrel. I visited him in hospital a few weeks before he died and he yelled, "Your're not my son! Get out!" I should add that he was a religious man who went to church every Sunday, his Pastor spoke highly of him.