Life feels hard today.

[Creative_Mind]

Why can one day start normal you feel happy.Then all a sudden a cluster of small things that don't go to plan cause you to breakdown.Then you obsess or over think everything and somehow you make it seem like its all your fault.Today i wanted the day to be perfect and a few tiny minor issues have resulted in me hysterically crying and wanting to run away from everyone and everything.I have been diagnosed with social Anxiety and i have it given a good fight for 7years  without medication .But now i feel like it has just manifested into something so big and its starting to consume every waking hour of the day and in fact even in my sleep i grind my teeth with the stress.I'm the happy carefree mum of 2 at school that has a fulltime successful hairdressing business 2 dogs a cat a husband with his own business and i just manage it perfectly and carefree and never get mad or frustrated........yeah right!I've become a master now at covering up the real me but now i finally feel like i shouldn't that it's making things worse everyday living up to everyone else's expectations of me what they tell me i look like from the outside calm and carefree , organized instead or being true to whom i am and admitting i can't fix this on my own anymore.I need the help of medication i already see a psychologist but i know im even fake when i talk to her.I don't want to be the one on meds i want to be the one that can cope.How do i get it right in my head that i need this extra help and not fear taking medication , not fearing the very thing that could take this  sadness, frustration and fear away.

[White_Rose]

Dear Creative Mind

Hello and welcome. Thank you for sharing your story. It may not help much to know that others feel exactly as you do, except that you are not alone. Wearing a mask to disguise our feelings is so common as to be almost mandatory. It's a self preservation action. The unfortunate part is that it often stops us getting help.

If you read some of the other posts on BB you will see how others struggle the same way as you. Would you read Getting Rid of Magical Thinking which is on the Staying Well forum and written by MercyMaybe. I think you will find some answers there.

One of the reasons we fear taking medication is the social attitude towards depression and anxiety. Taking medication equals unable to cope. It's not true but it is a powerful pressure. I wrote the following couple of paragraphs to someone else, but they may be useful for you.

I would like to make a comment about medication, especially antidepressants. They are not designed to stop you feeling or numb any pain. I know it seems a glib reply but ADs are designed to help your brain function more efficiently. In fact to work the way it is supposed to work and probably reboot the system. It's really like an antibiotic for the brain, possibly a drain cleaner. I know this is how I have experienced ADs. If you feel drowsy or artificially cheerful then the meds are not doing their job properly and you need something different.

It's not like taking a pain killer to mask symptoms. While a headache pill is OK once in a while we are told not to take them constantly because they can mask the underlying condition. And I definitely agree with you there. If you are depressed the ADs will help your brain get well again. It will not solve your problems but will help you to look at life without the infection or rubbish that has accumulated. Being kind to yourself includes giving yourself the best chance of recovery.

I hope this comment helps.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there Creative Mind

Thank you for providing your post and welcome to Beyond Blue.

It’s great to see that White Rose has chimed in with a lovely response to you.

I’m hoping that I might be able to put forward a few thoughts also (so now it’s up to you, whether you continue to read from here 🙂

So much of what you’ve written, as Mary responded, describes so many of us – though I don’t think most of us are hairdressers, have two dogs and a cat and a hubby with his own business – well, I know I don’t – well, not all of those things – I do however have two dogs.  🙂    And just on that, I get so much pleasure out of those two, it’s very hard to put into words.   One we’ve had for 10 years, got him as an 8 week old puppy and he still acts the puppy at times.  The 2nd one, we’ve had since last October – she was my Mum’s little dog and now she is treasured by our family and she is just so incredibly cute – she’s 16yo and as deaf as a post, but oh boy, we just love her to bits.  Animals can be big helpers for us – they should never be under-estimated in just how important they can be to our lives.

It’s great to read also that you’re seeing a psychologist – but to be fake in front of her;  I’m not overly sure about that.  For me, this is where I can really unload and get things out in the open – and stemming from that I can receive support and constructive advice to help me better manage my life outside.  I’m not trying to say though that this is perfect cause if it was, then why am I like I am – but it’s just another helping mechanism.  And that’s also where medication comes in.   I won’t delve into that at all, cause Mary has given you an excellent rundown of that.

All I’ll finish with is, you say you want to be the one that can cope, that can deal with it all – however, how will you be able to do that if you do suffer a breakdown;  or that you find you cannot manage.   You’ve got a beautiful family and I’m sure that they support you, care for you, love you, as you do for them and for you to continue to be all that you want to be for them, you’ve got to look after yourself and do all you can to make sure that you can stay on top of this illness.

I hope I’ve been able to say something that helped, even a little bit – and I would really love to hear from you again.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Creative Mind, hello and I'm pleased that Mary and Neil have offered their suggestions/advice which would be a great start for you.

You have your own business as does your husband, and even though they maybe successful, there is still pressure on you, because it always happens when running it/them without doubt, as I had my own self employed builder/handyman business and maybe I was too busy could have added to my depression.

A horrible thought.

When a problem starts then it's so easy for other minor problems to jump on board and then they all mount up to a situation which we can't handle.

I don't believe that anyone can overcome their anxiety/depression issues by themselves, although any superficial concerns maybe able to overcome, but those deep problems which we might not know or perhaps we do, but they are too serious that we try and avoid tackling them.

If we do know the superficial problems then it would be easy to put on a fake facade, but when you look at it we are only lying to ourselves, and please don't get me wrong here because all of us do put on this fake facade, pretending that all is OK.

When we see our psychologist and don't tell them the true story then we aren't doing anything to help ourselves, so it's a waste of time going, and I don't mean to upset you, just being honest, and if you are on the mental health plan (10 free visits) then all those sessions will be wasted.

You have to remember that psychologists have heard it all before over their years, and they can look at your eyes and fix up whether or not you are telling the truth.

It is difficult to talk to them, but if you really like this psych then their arms are open for you to discuss what you are struggling with.

You want to feel better and we also want you to feel better, and as you have your own business, then you have the determination to get all the help you need.

I hope that I haven't been too strong in my comments, because I have no intention to upset you. L Geoff. x

[Creative_Mind]

Thank you all for your response , i wrote this last week and i actually though i deleted it because i was so afraid to click send.I have just written another one and also was going to delete that and again hit the wrong button lol.Then saw these replies this has come at a good time . I'm glad i pushed the wrong button and my posts sent.Since this last post i have suffered a breakdown, my husband  pleaded  with me to get to the doctor with several  panic attacks in the waiting  room and one in his office  when he asked what can i do for you today.I just broke down in his office and we have started  to put things into place.I have started a very low dose of an antidepressant.Taking that first tablet the size of a tic tac was terrifying.But i did it now I'm  on day three although I'm  struggling still with waves  of anxiety  and feelings of failure.I know i have taken a big step to recovery.

[White_Rose]

Dear Creative Mind

I responded to your other post before I realised you are the same person that writes here. Sometimes collapsing is a good thing. I expect you are recoiling in horror. How can it be good to be ill? Well of of course it's not good. You have struggled for some time with your anxiety and have been avoiding the issue by not talking to your psych and getting the help you need. Consider it like having a cold that you neglect and it finally turns into pneumonia. Once you become that unwell, nature takes over and forces your body to fall down and rest. Not really a far-fetched scenario.

Congratulations on starting your journey towards health. It will take several weeks for the AD to take effect, but you probably know this from your previous experience. Anxiety and panic attacks are horrible, I know, so take things slowly. Let your husband in to your thoughts and feelings so he can help and support you.

Please continue to write in here when you can. We will also support you as much as possible.

Cheers

Mary