Life changes

[sarahl]

Hi everyone.

I was diagnosed with anxiety in my teenage years (prompted by bullying) but over the past decade of so, I can recall lengthy patches of sadness and just general misery. I've never been on medication - I've always maintained that its just anxiety and sometimes I have bad days - but I've just reread a diary from my early 20s and I was definitely experiencing more bad days that good.

I'm now 30, have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for nearly 3 years and things are going well, but 12 months ago he told me he wanted to move to the country and I didn't deal with it very well. Just recently he has changed his mind, and said he wants to take up a new career path, which might involve us moving overseas.

My initial reaction to everything is negativity. He has told me before how negative I am, and I almost feel like its ingrained in me - the anxiety forces me to go to the worst possible scenarios first and I'm automatically opposed to new ideas. Once upon a time at school, I had wanted to live overseas doing exchange, but the anxiety got the better of me. Now I'm being given this opportunity, with a support person, and all I can do is focus on the cons.

I'm concerned that the way my mother is (quite negative, and i'm the eldest and only daughter) has had a significant impact on my attitude and I don't know how to fix it.I feel melancholy most of the time and I have trouble communicating how I feel. I've been seeing a physiologist for years under the GP mental health plan, and i've just signed up for 2 classes (one on self esteem and the other on assertive communication) but I'm terribly concerned I might also be suffering from depression.

My youngest brother has depression and has been affected for more than ten years, so its in our genes. I just don't think I know what to do - I'm risking my own happiness by bending to my mental health and while my partner maintains he loves me too much to leave, I'm risking his happiness by wanting to live in my bubble.

Basically I am more scared than I am excited. How do I deal with my negativity?

Thanks in advance.

Sarah       

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi Sarah,  

Wow, you’ve had a similar run to me. I often think the ‘sky will fall on my head’ with even the simplest of problems. I go right to worst-case-earth-shaking scenarios and go downhill immediately. It’s quite possible that you have some form of depression (I’m no doc though) and perhaps some medication may help. I started meds about a month ago and things have progressively (slowly) begun to improve: I have more patience and less stress, I don’t lose my temper so easily and I’m able to resist drinking so much (which has been a really good thing). Might work for you, it might not. Keep open to new things.  

I can understand the fear of new career paths, moving to the country. It sounds like your partner is looking to make some changes that perhaps he thinks will be good for you too. Perhaps you can chat to him and find out all his plans. It might help you to overcome the anxiety if you ‘buy in’ to the plan. 🙂

Zoe x

[white knight]

Hi sarahl, welcome here.

Considering your "genes" a trip to your GP might be in order followed up with his recommendations to other professionals.

As for you self proclaimed negativity, I congratulate you in listening to others. Many do not. If this is so, and it's pure negativity and not associated with mental wellness, then it will take a lot of time to change your thinking patterns. I know this from my negative attitude as a teen and young adult then being transformed at around 23yo. I'm now 58. It certainly makes life more enjoyable and bubbly.

So how can this change occur?  You can read books and surf the net. But both of those avenues wont produce the adrenalin from say, a motivation lecture or a mentor. For me it was a 30 minute lecture from a man that never gave up on his dream of being rich selling insurance. He used his wife's laughter as his motivation. She laughed when he told her he was going to be a millionaire selling insurance. He was lying in a hospital bed recovering from a heart attack. He made her eat her words. It was for us listening though, the yelling at the end of the lecture, with him pounding his fist on the desk "you can do anything with positive thinking, anything".

So it is now automatic for me to think positively in almost every situation. But you also have to be realistic. When you reach there, in your new positive life, you will recognise negative people immediately. And that's possibly what your partner is doing with your responses.

With no motivator handy you will need to assess your own thinking. Choose a positive in every daily situation. Focus on that rather than the big picture. EG you need to weed a garden bed but thats great because of the end result. You need to visit the shops to collect medication...at least you wont run out. Your local council is ripping up trees in a park...well because they are old and dangerous at least it will be safer. and so on.

At workplaces negativity can run rampant via rumour.  In order to counteract this I would always go direct to the source eg the boss or his boss and get an account of the situation. More often than not I would need to explain to those influenced, that the rumour they were told was not the real story. Clarity is important.

So its a frame of mind. Negative people can be depressing to be around. You need to change your view of the half cup empty to half cup full.

Good luck

[Conflicted_PJ]

Hi Sarahl,

I can relate to the fear of the unknown but often find that reality is never as scary as our imagination!

Have you tried any CBT exercises to challenge your negative thoughts?
Examples can be found in the Mental Health Handbook - available through Amazon etc.

I have found it really helps to work through the exercises of writing down the negative thoughts and then challenging them with evidence etc.
Helps to get off the mental treadmill and get some perspective so we dont get stuck in our headspace!

Best of luck.

[sarahl]

Thanks Conflicted_PJ - I'll have a look for that book.

My therapist originally worked on CBT with me - now I feel more like I go in there and we have a chat (or I spend an hour lamenting like I would with a friend).

Perhaps its time for a new therapist?

Thanks for replying!

Sarah

[sarahl]

Thanks Zoe,

I do try to buy in I guess - I think now he is so scared of my negativity and how stressed I get about it that he won't tell me things. 

Its a vicious cycle! 

Thanks for replying 🙂

Sarah

[sarahl]

Thanks for replying white knight 🙂

I used to write in a book each day, commenting something positive that had happened that day. Might be time to drag it out again.

Sarah