I have to share I can't keep it in

[HelenM]

Lots of people on here are suffering but don't burden people with it.

I'm sorry but I seem to have to share my pain.

This depression is so mild but has dragged on. I'm coping most of the time. But periodically I'm experiencing something different and horrible. This is the third time in a couple of months. It's intense fear. The first two times my mind told me I was going back to the bottom. I was terrified but each time after a terrible week it went. After the second time I was left with a fear of the fear - sounds crazy but sometimes I think I am. And so yesterday after a few good days fear lurched into my body. That had happened on the two days before but had worn off after a couple of hours. This time it's stuck. This time I think that for the rest of my life I will have this horrible fear. A close friend assures me it will go away again, my husband does too. But I'm not able to believe it.This experience is awful. My GP knows I'm getting this and accepts it's horrible. Because my depression is so mild and my anxiety too I think he feels it will go. Certainly the saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' has something in it. Just now though the whole thing is scaring me. I'm carrying on as normal - I believe that's how I got out of it before. Fear blocks hope and I'm scared. I just keep crying. At the charity shop yesterday I had to fight tears. 

I do think depression comes in different disguises. Like any illness it's job is to thrive. What's peculiar is I've come out of worse depressions more easily.My friend tells me this is the course it's taking - it won't get the better of me because I'm not giving in. I don't know. I just want peace.

I wish I was brave. I'm the opposite to most people, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't hide my depression. My emotions feel too big to keep in. People on here understand the pain of depression even if our symptoms are different.

I have to say that my meds are fine - and my GP  sees this as unfortunate rather than a problem. I can see his point. People who know me say they've see me improving over the months and if wasn't for this fear I would agree with them. 

Thank you for reading - I honestly wish I could have a physical illness.

[mickusmick]

Hey Helen!

I hope you work this through shortly. Do you mind if I ask, do you know the kinds of experiences make you cry or want to cry?

Mick

[HelenM]

Hi Mick

What makes me cry? 

When I'm unwell I cry through frustration. Yesterday my husband sent me a beautiful text while I was helping at a shop. When I read it I had to fight back tears because I was feeling so vulnerable and his text was so caring.

Whether I'm ill or not I cry over horrible things happening to people, animals, the world. I avoid watching the news. 

Best wishes, Helen

[mickusmick]

Thanks for sharing Helen. I have been feeling very similar lately I understand how you feel there about feeling vulnerable. I hope you work this out soon. You aren't alone.

 Mick

[sarahl]

Hi Helen 

Thanks for sharing with us. I totally know what you mean about crying when you get texts, I do that too. Recently my anxiety and depression has been playing up, and I know my partner gets frustrated by it because I'm not sure he quite understands. We fought last night and today everytime he looks at me, I want to cry. I feel like I am ruining his life, and mine, though he maintains I'm not.

Its okay to cry - I know I feel better afterwards! Mental health is possibly the most frustrating thing in the world. I hope that you realise you are not alone and we are all fighting with you.

Sarah 

[shyviolet79]

Hi Helen, 

Firstly, well done for choosing to share your current feelings! That takes a lot of courage in itself, to speak out... Yes, there are those that choose to hide their pain, but by speaking up, you are vocalising how you are feeling inside and giving yourself the opportunity to feel better by allowing others to connect with you and offer their insight or perspective ~ there is nothing more reassuring than when another person can say "I've felt like this too" 😊 

I am not an expert, just a girl who has struggled with severe anxiety for most of my 35yr of life, and to me, it sounds like what you are experiencing in these intense times is panic... Anxiety can be debilitating and is 'free-floating', almost always there in the background like a shadow...Whereas panic, to me, is a huge step up from anxiety and is much more suffocating in the sense that it is all-encompassing and interferes with your ability to function and think clearly... It is, as you described, a fear of fear sometimes...It can be very difficult to narrow down exactly why you feel so afraid, you just do, and yes, it feels like it will never end...A couple of weeks ago I found myself in a very low place, couldn't stop crying, kept finding myself huddled on the floor shaking and trying to breathe, feeling like I just couldn't take it anymore... It is intense and I ended up fighting suicidal thoughts simply because it felt so awful and I felt like there was no escape from it... It took my counsellor an hour of getting me to breathe into a paper bag to help me to calm down, which showed me that I was having severe anxiety/panic when in my head I had felt like I was sinking into depression again... Sometimes it can really help to talk to another person (even just online) because it stops the cycle of negativity inside your head, and helps you to see a little hope when you feel like there is none left... The other thing I would like to stress to you is to please be gentle with yourself ~ symptoms of intense fear/anxiety are not just mental, they are physical too and can be quite draining on your body... I find I usually have a very bad headache after an episode of panic, aswell as just feeling very drained and almost like a 'gutted' kind if feeling in the stomach... If this is what you are experiencing (and I know I could be wrong) please give yourself some time to climb back up from it again...I hope it eases for you soon 🙂

[HelenM]

Hi shyviolet

I found your post really helpful. Yes it is really draining. As I said it's  been lasting about a week and it's the intensity that is almost too much. It started again on Saturday. I was lying awake in the night. Today the fear isn't as intense. I feel totally lost in my head though. Like I don't know if it's depression,anxiety,fear. I just know I feel like I've tried everything and now here I am stuck. A very good friend suggests that in my head there's a mixture of all these emotions. There's also exhausted of course.

Your post helps me realise that these things aren't altogether rare. To have suffered from severe anxiety for so long must be awful. Does it ease sometimes?

Thanks, Helen

[HelenM]

Hi Sarahl

It's difficult when your partner struggles to understand. I'm lucky in that my husband is very good about it. Like you I often feel like I'm ruining my husband's life though he doesn't feel that way at all. 

Crying is good and helps a little.

I hope you feel better soon.

Helen

[shyviolet79]

Hi Helen, I tend to agree with your very good friend that your head is most likely a mixture of all the emotions you mentioned, aswell as pure fatigue...This is where going easy on yourself for a while might help your mind to re-centre again 🙂 Adrenalin floods through your body during intense states of panic, which is great if we are truly in danger as the 'fight or flight' response kicks in as a safety mechanism, but when it is an episode of panic like you have mentioned here, then it can take your body quite a while to recover from the unexpected attack to the nervous system...Hence why you may be feeling very drained and having moments where your mind is feeling a bit foggy or just overwhelmed by your emotions...I hope I have explained myself clearly here? I can only speak from my own experiences and from the wise words my counsellor has said to me over the years...Hang in there, I know how awful it can be, but I'm glad to hear some days the anxiety is less intense for you 🙂 

Yes, having struggled with anxiety for this long is pretty debilitating, but I am fortunate to have the support of the mental health clinic locally, and a couple of amazing friends...It does hold me back though; I can't work or barely leave the house some days, which is tough with my children...But I try to keep persisting for their sakes 🙂