Just need to get it out of my head...

[applesapples]

Hi, I am 34 years old this year. I've suffered from depression since I was a teenager. I found a spiritual practice when I was 20 which pulled me out of drags and gave me a lot of happiness, but in an effort to prove how much I had mended my ways, I rushed into marriage and had a child at 23. Even before my child was born, I knew I didn't really love my husband and wanted to leave, but I am so disappointed in the lack of commitment to marriage across the society that I vowed I could make it work, rich or poor etc. The main issue is that my husband and I have nothing in common and I couldn't even call him a friend, even though he's a good person. I keep trying to hold it together, especially after hearing all the terrible stories of children who face divorce, and having been through suicidal depression during my own teenage years, I don't want to do anything to harm my son. At the same time, my life is slipping away... I can't bring myself to have sex with my husband in order to have another child, even though I've tried to convince myself to 3-4 times in the past 11 years. It pains me so much that my son doesn't have a sibling, and that I will never have another child, yet to bring another child into our family is just a shame anyway. 

My husband doesn't understand how serious it is for me. He's really really slow, he can barely read or write, and I'm too sharp to the point where nothing is simple. We now live overseas, but my family are still in Australia. When I'm away from him and go back to my parents, I feel like I'm myself again and I don't even want to remember that he exists. I feel homesick constantly and always dream of my teenage years... like I'm still stuck there. All these years of life don't exist in my subconscious mind. I've barely ever even dreamed of my son. I just want my mum and dad like a little child. I have no confidence in my husband whatsoever, and because I have never done anything myself, and have spent most of these years alone at home without a car, I don't even know how to live a life, or what I like, I don't know the feeling of achieving anything, and I've lost all motivation to put my heart and soul into anything. I feel like a psychological prisoner and I just can't normalize. It doesn't change year after year. 

I'm considering going home for a year, but because I've been depressed for so long - more than 2/3 of my life... I just don't know if it's how I am and if it will ever change. And that's my character limit.

[White_Rose]

Dear Apples

It's good that you have written into BB and welcome to the web site. You sound so very unhappy that I just want to give you a big hug. It's a huge thing to separate from your spouse and difficult to do. I know, I've done it.

It seems to me that going home for a year sounds good. It will give you a different perspective about your marriage. It will also give you a different perspective about your parents and your feelings of dependency towards them. When we feel lost and alone we look for someone to take care of us and in your case the only people available are your parents. Would they be happy to have you and your son live with them for a year?

As I do not know where you are living (and I'm not asking), I cannot help you to find local resources. In Oz, of course, you can access your local GP and other mental health professionals who may be able to help and advise you. One thing I do know is that while divorce can have repercussions for children, staying in a lonely marriage can also have unwanted effects on children. You may want to think about this. You also need to consider your own health.

This does not mean I am encouraging or discouraging you to leave your husband. I am trying to look at ways for you to come to the best decision possible, and this does not necessarily mean staying married.

Some time apart and the help of a good health professional can be the best thing to sort out out your dilemma.

Please write in again and tell us how you are going.

Regards

LING

[AGrace]

Hi apples,

I'm also 34 and have battled with my mental illnesses since I was a child. I really feel for you because I know what it's like to have difficulties of your own and then to have the difficulties of your relationship also.

I take it you don't work? This may add to your feeling of not wanting to be independent and wanting to rely on your parents for support. It also doesn't really give you much structure or a social outlet during your days. Is your husband against you working?

I agree with LING that sometimes staying in a loveless marriage can be more detrimental to children than having their parents separate but knowing that they are at least happy. My parents separated so many times during my childhood and then eventually got back together. The hardest parts for me were feeling like I didn't have a say, and having to move back in with my dad after being convinced by my mum that he was a rotten person. I wonder what your son thinks of your relationship? And if he would prefer for you to just be happy?

I think coming home for a year would be a good option if you could be supported in doing this. I do question though whether you are just delaying what you really want? 

Ending a marriage doesn't mean you are a failure at being a wife. Despite the title, what does marriage mean to you? Perhaps think about whether you fulfill any of the ideas that you come up with.

Do you have friends that you can talk to where you live now? Is there a good public transport system that you can use? Is there an opportunity for you to join some groups in order to start regaining some thoughts about your interests and what you would like to be doing in the future?

Sorry I know I've asked a lot of questions, I hope you will get back to us.

AGrace