Unsure what to do: losing a friendship to depression?

[Hadenough]

Morning, I have struggled with depression for the last couple of years, I was able to recognise that there was something wrong pretty quickly and sort help from my GP, who put me through a mental health plan, put me on medication & recommended a physc, which I was a little reluctant to go to so put it off for ages. The first lot of medication recommended by my GP worked for a little while but got to the point where we had reached the maximum dosage for that brand, so changed medication, which seems to be helping but still a very high dose apparently. It's a funny thing depression, I'm one of these depressed people that people would have no clue I suffer from it.. Before I was diagnosed I had a group of people that I loved going out with at the end of the working week & having a quite drink or ten with to unwind, but when I was diagnosed I felt I needed to give up the drinking, so that I had control of at least a little of my thoughts, but in giving away the drinking I also lost those friendships, which shattered me at the time & of course added to the depression.

I chose not to tell a lot of people about the depression cause that wasn't who I was, but the one friend whom I did choose to tell was a very new friend, but made me feel comfortable enough to talk with her & throughout the last couple of years has been a constant support to me, we've had some great conversations, I'm not generally a talker, to the point where I was surprised she hadn't given up on me, well I think that time has finally come & I'm not quite sure how to handle it. She was the type of friend that would contact me every couple of days to see how I was going, even when on holidays & I loved that, it made me feel good.

The last lot of holidays, I didn't hear from her as I normally would so thought that I would ask why, couldn't quite get a straight answer or maybe the truth & this really frustrated me, it frustrated me to the point that I got quite upset & said things I wouldn't normally say, not nasty things but things that seemed true to me..I felt the rules had been changed & somebody forgot to tell me.

Of course there's a lot more that goes with this story but you can only type so much. This is a friendship I DO NOT want to loose.

Its a very true friendship to me because it wasn't built on drunken conversation as my past ones were..if it's over I'll be absolutely shattered.......How do I fix this??

[White_Rose]

Dear Hadenough

Welcome to BB and I am so pleased you found this web site. It is safe for you to write in here. No one knows who you are except that you have the same problem as so many other people. It horrible!

Friendships are so precious when we feel we have found a truly good friend. I do hope this is not the end of your friendship.

Depression rears its ugly head in so many areas of our lives and leaves behind a trail of destruction. It is not your fault that these things happen, but you do need to be aware of them. I have a friend who is I believe mildly depressed. I think her main problem is loneliness. I have spent many hours talking to her and been happy to do so. I also believe that at times she has become dependent to some extent on these conversations.

Some years ago I had a viral fatigue and was away from work for several months completely exhausted. My friend would phone to see how I was going but after about three sentences she would start talk about herself. I was exhausted by this and constantly had to find ways to get her off the phone. Whether or not she was offended I don't know but it did wear me down.

Now I am not suggesting or implying that you are too overwhelming for your friend because I have no idea. It may also be that she has a problem or two of her own and feels unheard. It's the black dog taking over the conversation.

Please do not be upset about this. It's what depression does to us. Can you have a talk with your friend? Invite her to morning tea or similar, preferably somewhere quiet and secluded so that if one or other of you gets upset there will be no onlookers. Tell her how much you miss her company and your talks. Ask her if she has felt it is a one-way street. Above all, ask her to be honest which means you need to keep calm. If you get upset at her feelings and remarks then the whole effort will be wasted.

Where you go from there is up to both of you. You may want to set some rules such as only talking about your depression occasionally and making an effort to talk about other topics. Hard I know. Make sure she is OK and allow her to talk about her problems if she wants to. Being always at the receiving end gets exhausting and makes the listener feel abused after a while.

This is natural and not a way of saying you are an awful person. Psychs debrief regularly for this reason so that they do not get overwhelmed by the problems of others. And they are trained not to take this stuff personally.

Love to hear how it goes.

LING

[geoff]

dear Hadenough, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment, which may seem as though it could be turning point in your relationship, I hope not for your sake.

I like what LING has said to you as this is one option to consider, another could be that you could send her some flowers and a note on it saying that 'I don't want to lose your friendship and the talks we used to have'.

In the early stages of depression ' that people would have no clue I suffer from it' is so true but the longer we have to suffer then we don't care who knows because we don't give a ******, as this illness is far too strong to try and cover up.

I have tendency to believe that maybe she knew that it was going to be a long haul for you, so this is something that you need to talk to her about and ensure to her that you are doing all the appropriate measures to get professional help, which you really should be doing.

You can't overcome this illness by yourself nor can she do it, she is your support base only. Geoff.

[Hadenough]

Hi Ling, 

I love the response you have given I think you have absolutely hit the nail on the head.

I was aware before now that I also had to sit & listen to what my friend was going through & not let the black dog interfere with those conversations.

So I have managed to have a conversation with my dear friend and it seems that I've let the black dog into my head & tell me things that aren't really there, but she did tell me that the times I do get into my depressive states are hard for her & she just has to bide her time & wait, which I think is a really fair statement & I'm glad she told me, so know I'll try & be more aware of this..

[AGrace]

Hi hadenough,

Just wanted to say what a lovely outcome. It was really brave of you to discuss your concerns with your friend, and I'm glad you got the honesty you were after. As much as our illnesses are hard for us they can be tough on our loved ones too. I like that you said now you're more aware of this.

You and your friend must be very special people, friendships like yours are a rarity.

AGrace

[boxhead]

You need to let that person how you value their friendship. Most people dont give up on friends unless they feel its a one way street.  Well thats what I have found anyway.

[Hadenough]

Thank you, it's defiantly a friendship I treasure

[Hadenough]

Thanks for that

[White_Rose]

Dear Hadenough

I am so pleased you were able to talk with your friend and that it had such a positive outcome. I am a big fan of talking to people when things go amiss. Congratulations.

Please continue to post here as often as you need. Look forward to knowing you are getting on well.

Regards

LING

[Hadenough]

This is a great sight I am glad that I looked it up, it's nice to know that there are people out there that understand this illness & are willing to share & offer there experiences to help with some sort of direction for quiet sufferers whom are not quite prepared to share there illness with to many other people. To those that responded to my post I say thank you.....