Just need a chat

[Guest_294]

So I just needed to vent my thoughts a little. I don’t have depression so I don’t know if it’s fair to post in this part of the website but it didn’t seem appropriate for the anxiety part either (which I probably align with more). Anyway, I am 18 and in uni - I work part time as a tutor through a company (which is amazing and I love) and as a mentor/tutor at my old school. The latter is the problem. I work 2 hours a week and every week since I started I have sat here for 2 hours doing absolutely nothing. This is the perfect chance for my brain to start telling me all sorts of things and now I am sitting here and trying not to cry. It feels like the other two girls that tutor are always helping out and consequently I feel both useless and like I shouldn’t be here - like they made a mistake in hiring me. I know I’m not as smart as they are but I just feel stupid sitting here watching them. It feels like I’m wasting everyone’s time and money being here and I don’t know what to do. I am literally just sitting here in a now empty library and have done nothing. Since the term started, I’ve helped 2 students - were in week 8. I know these thoughts aren’t founded but I needed to get it written down - helps me control my emotions a bit more and I don’t want to start crying in the middle of my old school library...I haven’t really asked a question yet. I suppose I want to know, does anyone else ever feel like they just want to break down and cry? Is it ever for something as ridiculous as sitting for 2 hours at work and doing nothing? I mean that certainly shouldn’t be making me as upset as I am. I suppose that’s my anxiety speaking isn’t it...? Telling me everyone is watching me fail at what I’ve been hired to do? I’m thinking I might just quit. Probably not worth all this stress.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_294~

Yes I can well imagine how it feels to just sit there. I also can see how you might feel personally bad about it - as if it was something to do with your abilities, however I'd be virtually certain it is just circumstances. This is a pretty taxing thing to have to undergo and I'm not surprised you get upset, I think any conscientious person who cares about what they are trying to do would be, even if they might not show it quite as much on the outside.

I guess if it was me I'd look around to find out what was happening, if your time, location or means of advertising is wrong. If you are a math tutor for example and every math student is in class then you aren't going to get any customers.

So perhaps it might be a case of making enquirers. Can you talk to teachers and be guided to hose that need a tutor/mentor?

Croix

[Guest_294]

hey so this is different to what I usually post about but Just needed to talk this out a bit. I talked to my best friend and he was helpful but he doesn’t really know what to say to make me feel better beyond making light of it...I feel really stupid. In front of my friends, my family, my peers. I know I’m the “dumb one” in my family, which is a very smart family so it’s a high bar, but I have conversations and I just feel like I have no idea how to keep up. I mean my baby brother (7) has an IQ of 145!! He wants to be an astronomical scientist for NASA. my friends are the same - they seem to know everything about anything and always have something intelligent to contribute to conversation. I just feel like to some of my family they know I’m not as smart as my genius siblings and they don’t try to make me feel dumb - they think I’m smart - but sometimes they just say things that really hurt. Like my grandfather told me that he was glad I didn’t put as much effort into my study as some of my friends because they’re mental health has suffered. I know what he meant but it just hurt - I put in a lot of effort, even if I didn’t quite come out with a 99 atar, you know? I just don’t understand though. I can learn information for an exam but I just can’t retain any of it. I don’t understand things like politics which seems to be the lead conversation in my family. Maths and science is the key thing in my family (doctors and economists and scientists) and that stuff just flies over my head. I get pretty good marks but even so, I feel like by comparison, I’m just disappointing everyone and especially myself.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_294~

Human beings are exceedingly good at finding shortcomings in themselves, whether deserved or not. You have decided you need to be the same as your family, and are unhappy because you are not. Well OK, you are not.

So what does that really mean? Simply that you are not a clone, but a whole person in your own right with your own particular strengths -and weaknesses. You do not have to keep up in conversation with their chosen topics, and frankly nobody knows much about politics anyway, they just live in a world of assumptions (have a listen to the ABC's Insiders). If you had a genuine and abiding interest in those matters, and thought about them all the time, then I guess you might sound like them, but without that deep interest -why bother? Say just enough to be polite.

An IQ score is the measure of one's ability to pass IQ tests - that's it. It may correlate with being bright, often it does. Mind you it has nothing to do with common sense, empathy or determination. It is misleading to take it too seriously (Oh dear, I've probably just upset MENSA:)

As an educator who first had to do exams, and later set (and mark:( them I am well aware that the knowledge crammed in to sit evaporates afterwards. If you are lucky you remember outlines and know where to look things up. That is normal!

You have already proved you can work hard over a long period , and do so with success. I seriously doubt maths etc i.e. STEM, is totally above your head, your writing and marks do not point to that, plus you should remember it should be STEAM, without Arts no one can be a rounded person.

I guess it all boils down to not as yet finding what you are good at and enjoy -then reveling in it. All the time you compare apples and oranges you will find shortcomings and doubt yourself, it is not necessary!

Hang in there, you will find you, then you may even think those you put on a pedestal have limits in other ways.

Croix

[Guest_294]

I’m back on this thread again. I am feeling incredibly lonely all of a sudden. It’s weird. I’m at college, I’m recently in a relationship again (we’ll call him M - he’s amazing. It’s amazing. I haven’t been this happy in a while). I am surrounded by incredible friends. But I feel lonely. I think college is so isolating. You spend time with people constantly to the extent that I find myself really overwhelmed when I am left to my own thoughts. This has happened twice now in the last couple months where I have not seen people for a day or two. Or at least only seen people in brief stints. And then all of a sudden I find myself overcome with this immense wave of sadness and isolation. It’s like I don’t remember how to be alone anymore? My relationship is weird too. The comment of being happier than I have been in a long time is a direct quote from many people that are not me. My mother, my best friend, my sister. Everyone seems to think I am happier than I have been in a while. And whilst I think M is amazing and our relationship is going really well and I’m really happy in the relationship, I’m not feeling the whole “happier than I have been in a while” situation. Outside of my relationship I’m not that happy. I’m finding myself crying out of nowhere for seemingly no reason beyond what I’m interpreting as this immense loneliness and isolation even when I’m living with 500 other people. I was having panic attacks again recently. They seem to have mostly stopped. I have been seeing a psychologist. Finally got a treatment plan. I feel positive about that. I don’t know, just tonight after M left I broke down in tears. He came back and cuddled me and held me tight and made me laugh and feel a little better. He can always make me feel better when I’m sad. But M’s company is not quite enough. He can’t be holding me every minute of the day. How do you be happy when you’re isolated in the midst of a constantly turning space. There are 500 people here and when I’m not involved with them I feel alone. How do I be ok with being alone? I think I’ve forgotten how to enjoy my own company.

[smallwolf]

I don't want to say too much since you are seeing a psychologist and would not want say anything that might interfere with the work you are doing with them. And this is a big step to take, and is a brave thing to do - you recognised there is problem to deal with and now working on or taking action in relation to this.

Put me in a room with strangers and I would feel alone, not knowing what to talk about, to how etc. I guess a question that I have for you is what are you thinking in those moments when you are alone?

You don't have to answer that question here as I am sure you would explore that with your psychologist.

For myself, I move from a country town to a city to go to Uni - quiet, shy, introverted, in a new place, full of strangers. I went to TAFE before Uni - but I still felt inferior to other students because of the pathway I took, and other things that happened in my high school days. Wanting a connection, unsure how to find it.

Another positive is "M". You have a connection there. Possibly more, but for whatever can't see these - that is something I have worked out on my journey with a mental illness.

Forgive my ignorance, but can you elaborate on "in the midst of a constantly turning space"?

Listening to you,

Tim

[Guest_294]

Tim,

thank you for such an insightful response, I really appreciate your taking the time to address everything so thoughtfully!

its pretty strange...I live in student accomodation on campus with 500 people. I have a great group of friends who are always there for me, and as you agreed, I have M who is an integral support for me. I suppose the problem comes when I don’t see people much in the day and I get a sense of there’s so much happening and I’m somehow still alone in it. I can’t really describe what I’m feeling but it’s just like an immense pit of sadness and like feelings of what if I lost all of this?

the constantly turning space is college and uni. There’s always some event happening or people are hanging out or just moving around the corridors and I can hear it happening but feel I can’t involve myself with it.

I don’t have depression and I never claimed to have it in posting here, so I don’t want to suggest anything more than what it is for fear of undermining the experiences of others, and potentially yourself. But I just don’t know what it is instead of that. It’s not constant, it’s a now and then kind of thing - I just get to a point where I am so sad all I can do is cry.

Im seeing a psychologist for anxiety and panic attacks and that’s going really well so I appreciate the support there. I have my next appointment in 2 weeks so I am sure this will be a major point of discussion there as well.

Thank you again for your response, I really appreciate the help

M

[smallwolf]

Firstly our experiences are unique to ourselves, so just because something made me feel bad, and not you does not invalidate it for me. The same applies to you, just because something makes you feel low, does not invalidate that feeling. If you think there is something to be addressed, you can talk about it with your psychologist or Uni counsellor?

You said that when you don't see people in the day you still feel alone. I am sure there are many other people at the same campus that have similar feelings to you, but they don't talk about it either. I mean, it is not a "normal" conversation topic.

Now I am sure you are working on coping mechanisms with your psychologist, but there is one app and tool I could go without (mentioning) - it is called virtual hope box. It has many features, and one is a word search game, which only uses positive words like LOVE, HOPE, COURAGE, STRENGTH, YES. It's free so maybe worth look at?

Tim

[Guest_294]

Hi again! Firstly, thank you so much for the recommendation of the virtual Hope box app - it has been a world of help. My box is now filled with photos and videos of M as well as my friends and family and is always something I can return to if I’m in a bad place.

I need some advice with M though. We have been together now just over 3 months and I can’t remember the last time i was this happy. I laugh with him harder and more often than with anyone else, we live together in college so we spend most nights together cuddling and I wake up to his face every day. I love him so much and I feel more ready to admit that than I ever did with my exes. Here’s the problem. In 5 weeks, our academic year will finish. We then have two weeks of exams and then both go home, me to Sydney and him to Melbourne. I am working full time for a month and then travelling for the first half of January. I am so scared that we’ll fall out of touch or, worse than that, out of love. He is the most important person to me right now and when I go home I miss him instantly.

He isn’t great at the whole long distance thing. He finds it unnecessary to call all the time without reason - he doesn’t quite get the chatting for the sake of chatting thing and I love that kind of thing myself. In the past, we have had a month apart and then 2 weeks at a later time and the first time, we called almost every night and it made me feel better but the second, it was far less frequent and I started to feel like less of a priority for him. I made my feelings clear to him and he apologised and started being way more in touch after that but I’m scared with our being separately busy and then time zones when I travel, that it just won’t be the same.

I had this with my ex and when we came back together we realised neither of us had really missed the other that much and we broke up a couple weeks later when I decided to move away for University. im scared the same thing will happen with M.

am I being totally irrational? I just can’t imagine losing him...

[Guest_294]

Don’t know if I can do this but just wanted to post again - guess maybe my post got lost in the muddle of everyone’s posts! Still need advice on this one. The thought of being away from him for so long hasn’t gotten easier. We did talk and he said he’ll visit me and I can visit him and we’ll stay in touch the whole time and it’ll be easy but I’m just scared. Next years going to be a mess too. He’s going on a study tour for 4 weeks in the middle of semester and I’m going to Europe all through July. I’m just so scared for all this travel and time apart. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him.