Just admitted to my wife

[36andworried]

Last Friday I admitted to my wife of four years and the mother of our 5 month old that I feel I needed to talk to someone. I have been feeling tired for years, cursed by negative thoughts and unrealistic future situations, some anxiety in public, suffering an inability to let stuff go, sometime a feeling of tears behind my eyes on a Monday morning before going to work and now a feeling of a complete lack of self confidence.. I am too tired to carry on like this. Work has provided a good distraction for the past couple of years, but in my new job there are less distractions and more expectations so the thought generation has got more intense..  Being busy is always good, but with the arrival of my daughter we have found ourselves around the house at lot more and more alone with my thoughts.  

Admitting to my wife, partner, best mate in life was really hard, I could barely get the words out  and to be honest I almost didn't do it, fearing a lack of support, ridicule or worse.  

I am 36 and have been an active friendly individual who loves extreme sports, but seem to have lost any confidence the moment any confrontation seems to occur. I have not been quick witted so always end up with the raw end of any rude individual who cares to chuck a comment my way. Having moved here from the uk 7 years ago, I have been always been trying to avoid conflict and keep the peace by taking the higher road when these situations occur, but that seems to go nowhere. Sticking up for my self seems to end up losing the quick wit battle and a popularity contest, , which leads to a huge amount of frustration and anxiety when having to deal with these people either at work or in my personal life. 

Admitting that it is time to deal with feeling like this is has helped, now my wife  and I can talk about it openly, but we have both agreed she cannot take the burden of being my councillor. It's just not fair on her. This week I will be seeking an appointment with a professional to get a grip on this, and climb my personal emotional Everest. I don't want to be feeling like this though my baby's first year and beyond. 

[Bigbrother13]

Dear 36andworried,

It takes enormous courage to acknowledge that something is not feeling right within yourself and then to be able to communicate that to someone else.  Regardless of who it is, finding the right words to use can be the toughest challenge.  Acknowledging that you need to talk to a professional is the first step and I am happy to hear that you have taken the initiative to seek out a counsellor.

It is very wise that you have opened up to your wife about how you are feeling... this is one of the key people in your life who will be able to offer support to you.  Having a strong support network is essential to your ongoing positive mental health.  Perhaps another area to consider is broadening your social circle a little, meeting new people or pursuing other interests away from work and home as a way of improving your overall self-image and self-esteem.  Remember that you have just become a Dad too and that is a huge life changing event for anyone.  Don't be too hard on yourself... things will turn around for you.  Your wife and child are very lucky to have you and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS CHALLENGING TIME!

I wish you all the best! 🙂

Cheers BB13

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear 36 and worried,

Hang in there.   I see you have a response from George Orwell which shows great support as he (and his 1984 novel with Big Brother) died a while back.   Fancy that.

I'm not sure if the male ego is truly dead.   Here we are everyday being tentative when things go wrong and hoping we don't get judged.  But that's life.  Stuff always goes wrong and stuff always gets judged.   It's how you deal with it that counts.

I disagree.   It is fair to expect a partner to become a sort of psuedo councillor and support person.   If your wife was sick you'd expect to hear all about it and try and help, wouldn't you ?   Communication is all we have.  Good and Bad.

A good partner can spot mood trends or pre-empt mental problems in you far better than even you can.   A good partner can call an ambulance.  A good partner can get the family into some sort of routine when things are out of kilter.  A good partner can endure your problems.  A good partner is gonna be there.

I don't understand why there is a burden.   You only dive into these bad times for short periods of your life.  In the main things can be more stable.  You've got to try and seek a more positive mindset before the next batch of nappies run you over.

Adios, David.

PS  I didn't understand if the move from the uk to aus 7 yrs ago caused the conflict or it was the strain of moving and it's relationship stresses.   For me, I moved over from the uk 23 yrs ago because we had discrimination issues and, although contact with English relatives has been minimal, they still seem to irk and get petty enough to annoy me.  LIke I'm stuck in a time warp (but isn't that the uk anyway ?).  I've never been back.  I have even started supporting the Socceroos !  Traitor !

[geoff]

dear 36andworried, it's always sad when we hear that someone has developed this devastating illness, so we offer all the support to try and help you along your journey.

There is something that worries me in that with your work it seems to be fully intensive which is something that you will have to keep an eye on, if you can.

There's always been a debate on whether to tell your employer if you have depression, I believe that you shouldn't, but you may disagree, and I suppose it all depends on whether they will be supportive or not, and you won't know until you tell them, if you decide.

You maybe be able to find out with out saying too much, such as, if someone has had time off or is still away, just snoop around and ask a few general questions, but I wouldn't tell any of your workmates, not even your closest mate, because rumours spread and become distorted.

Just be mindful of the fact that your wife doesn't want to be your counsellor, but she will still ask a few questions, but this may hurt your communication, because if you are both talking about something else, a depression point of view maybe mentioned which would be difficult to avoid.

You both love each other and now have a beautiful baby and everyday will change with him/her, and that's something to be very proud of.

Talk to your counsellor about not talking about your depression with your wife, they will offer some professional advice. We wish you the very best, so please keep us in touch, we all have different views. Geoff.

[36andworried]

Thanks for the replies guys, just participating in the forum is helpful, not keeping it bottled up inside, you know.

Breaking the issue(s) down, i have spent the past couple of years in a high activity role looking after 15 + highly skilled people which wore me down mentally as being that position of responsibility i couldn't express how i really felt which lead to feelings of frustration when you are supposed to be considering other peoples feelings all the time and yours don't seem to count. You are just seen as a battering board for everyone else's issues and frustrations. I have now left that role and entered another company as an individual contributor so the pressures are back on in another way, which does not help when you are in an elite, A class personality place and you are feeling vulnerable in the inside. no matter how you try to project strength and confidence,  you always end up loosing. Being in a place where you seem to know the least out of everyone it like a jackhammer all day in your work day.. breaks down your confidence no end.

Taking in to account the comment about its how you deal with the gibes and comments in the workplace or personal situations. up until now it has trying to brush it off and respond in kind or cheerily laugh it off (being polite does not get you far here in Australia and responding 'whatever d**khead' seems a bit juvenile) but when you don't feel like you have many chips to play with or people to back you, your response always fall short of the intended aim. Result you feel worse. It was not always like this, confidence was high and self esteem was great, life was good, but slowly it has been chipped away. It does not help when the circle of friends is diminishing, either returning to the UK, or moving on to other parts, jobs, pursuits and so on.

The good news is my wife and I have agreed on a plan of fixing, starting small and rebuilding the confidence wall one brick at a time;

0. Get an appointment with a professional (I called the number I have and they were busy, fancy that!)

1. Join the Gym again, not that I am unfit, just injured right now. and go 3 times a week, get feeling strong again, internally and externally.

2. Buckle down and study for work to remove that from the equation by passing an exam or two to gain confidence in what I already know, and then doing another one and so on.....

3.Get outdoors more often with the family, set a list of hills to climb and go geo caching or something, winter is hell of a time to start adding SAD to this feeling

4. Join a club of my favorite sport and get to know some people there ( that will have to wait until I feel more confident to make the right first impression, couldn't stand being rejected from something i love, by more elitist, yes I know, i seem to be a gluten for punishment in my work and pursuits.

5 Don't get over committed, drop what is not required, but stay involved. Keep it simple and focused to ensure i achieve goals i set myself.

6.Try to stop taking things personally and spinning them round and round in my head, really at one point i would read the three letters of the number plate in front and find a sequence of words which had negative connotations  towards myself. I mean really?? That just has just got to stop.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

7.   Go to a massage therapist once a month or swop the gym for swimming.

8.    Get some sleep - a 5 month old can turn into a tantrum fuelled 2 yr old.  Start battening down and childproofing your home.   Only buy biscuits that can NOT be slotted into the DVD player.  Start scouting for babysitters.

9.     Try for another child.  Just try. Intimacy before toilet training.

10.    Take your wife and child to the first counsellor session.  It's a great ice breaker and you will feel "at home" as your wife or you change a nappy after the counsellor asks "And was your childhood ?  No, my bin's fine".

Adios, David.

PS  A plan is a great idea but sometimes things don't go to plan.   Be flexible.

[geoff]

dear 36andworried, your comment 'I would read the three letters of the number plate in front and find a sequence of words which had negative connotations  towards myself', has connotations of repetitive thinking.

I do this as it's one category that is involved with my OCD.

Just wondering whether or not you have other thoughts that compel you to have to do. Geoff.

[36andworried]

Well its been 8 months since i posted and what a journey. I have been to two Councillors (i continue to see one of them), my GP, a Psychiatrist and the mental health ECAT team, the later was an over reaction from my GP and Psychiatrist who thought i was going to get violent based on a one hour session of me covering everything that i have been through this year, i wasn't i just needed to get it out by talking to someone or writing it down. I am still married and my little one is coming up to her first birthday. I have managed to keep my job and survive a restructure at the same time as being inhibited by confusion, tiredness, insomnia, paranoia, OCD tendencies and generally an overall feeling of being alone.

I had to tell my wife, it was killing me inside, it was the right and wrong thing to do. Right as i needed to let her know i was in trouble mentally. wrong as she is now having trouble believing I am now coming through it and is quite cold towards me thanks to the experience of living with someone who has depression and so on. I am slowly working on her to see the person she married is now on his way back. Still its like the elephant in the room with us, she want me to keep seeing a Councillor and I am quite happy to, its gives me that avenue to expel some  of my deepest thoughts, a mistake was having her along one time. she didn't need to hear any of what came out. That was a mistake.

 I have only told two other people, no-one at work, my close friend and my brother. It turns out, my close friend has been through something similar in the past for other reasons and knows a few other people who have suffered from male PND, its more common than is published.

That has to change.

I have confided in my brother who spent 10s of thousands trying to have his little one and finally succeeded to go through the typical challenges of a husband and wife in the first year of their child. its time consuming and stressful. He has been a good avenue to go over the stresses of being a consciousness parent and loving partner t my wife, who in her own way is going through what i can only describe as complete ownership of our child and her life, I am just the dude who goes to work and earns the money sometimes. I do help, i do get involved, but its only on her terms. As far as I can tell this is typical for a first time stay at home mum in the first year. she needs to go back to work and soon to get her mind out of the house and in to something else rather than the microscopic details of our house and child.

I generally feel alot better thanks to a change at work, talking to someone, i can't recommend that enough and also writing things down. I have also trained myself not to look at number plates, not being so sensitive to others vile comments, get on and live my life with my family and not get stuck in repetitive thinking. that's the real down fall, if you replay your thought, negative ones especially you miss out on the life in front of you.