It's so hard just to keep up pretenses everyday

[Girl_Anachronism]

I am beyond tired and exhausted.

It feels like effort to do anything..Everything I do blows up in my face, and to what end? It's so hard just to keep up pretenses everyday.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

That's better than not ... yes?????  Please say yes.  🙂

I know it's hard to believe those words when people say it will get better;   cause when you're down, everything around you and everything everywhere just seems like hell and there's just no hope in sight.

It's a matter of getting through one day and then on to the next.  That's what makes this illness so incredibly difficult to handle ... to live with.

For the current position you're in, I don't know what else to say to assist.

You know the one thing that i really am LOOKING FORWARD too is when the Beyond Blue RoadTrain thingy happens ... and comes to my part of this wonderful country.  I believe that it might even be next week.  So that's something.

Post again as much as you want GA, but you know that already.  Always love hearing from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

Thankyou. Just...thankyou.

Your words pushed me from the 'desperately needing to cry but unable to' stage into the 'blubbering mess' stage. I had to go cuddle my cat for a little. In this world where I vary between the seemingly functional person for my husband, to damn near catatonic mess, the only thing that has changed recently is that we got two cats. I have wanted them for a long time, but given my husband has an allergy, thought it would never happen. I didn't dare hope in case they get dashed and I crash all the more harder for having hoped. Thankfully we found two who are hypoallergenic so he hasn't reacted at all.

In this state, they are the sole source of any sort of relief. When I'm not with them, I just fall back to my zombie state. You see there's a part of me convinced that I am already dead, I'm just too stupid to realise it. Feeling nothing but knowing I should feel something, I certainly feel like one. I don't know what animates this body anymore but it sure isn't the girl that used to be there. All the actions I take are motivated purely by other's social needs. I have no needs of my own anymore. I don't even get hungry.

It used to be that these whispers, these terrible thoughts would come and go, even if it was once every day. It used to be there were times when I felt something, even fleetingly. These days, the whispers are constant. It's no longer a tide that comes and goes, I am saturated by this want to end my existence.

Yet people in my life need me, so that they don't get hurt. So they don't have to face that. I just wonder how long it will take them to notice that the me they want, the me I used to be died a while ago.

I'm just going through the motions.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

P.S:

The Roadshow doesn't hit me til May. Also I have a psych appointment in a few hours so I'll post later, let you know how that goes.

[Lilyn]

HI GA

I just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you.

I'm just going through the motions too so you are not alone. 

I'm right there with you.

Take care.

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

I am wanting to let you know that I am here and thinking of you.  Pls take care, i hope your session goes okay with your psych.

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, Lilyn, Neil,

Thankyou for thinking of me. I don't know if it helps knowing there are others out there, but it's nice to know I am not alone.

My session was ok. No really new  ground breaking ideas, just let her know about my detachment and how I spend my days fulfilling others nees  and when people don't need me for something, I just lay on my couch and do nothing. I just don't have the energy to move for hours.When no one needs me, I just shut down because I don't have needs. I'm just a shell of a person. I don't feel like I can get that person back. I feel like she died, left this body behind and all that is left is an impression of what used to be.

My psych says I can, that person still exists. She says things will get better. She thinks that I need to mobilise, fill my schedule with something so I have reason to move and get off the couch. SHe also thinks that I may not be ready for that yet. I just have no motivation for anything. Going for a walk, books, games, art, exercise.....they all used to fill me with such pleasure. Now I can't motivate myself to eat  if no one else is home.

I don't believe her. I feel like if that person is dead, this body should be too. Thing is so many people depend on this illusion, for their own safety, for their own peace of mind. So I guess I'll keep going for another week of hell, smiling when they need me to, making the correct responses as per social conduct. I have been sitting in this hellish limbo for three weeks, what's another week?

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

 I don’t know where to start this post and for me that’s unusual … it’s just one of your lines back to me was that you felt like crying before you read my latest post and then it left you a blubbering mess.  Now I know I’ve had many an effect on women over the years! (NOT), but that’s never been one of them. !!  😉  😉   Damn, there’s that twitchy eye again.

GA, I believe your psych … I believe that the real person that GA used to be IS still there.  She’s just hidden at the moment, but she’s still there. 

And dear people whoever may be reading this, that goes for EACH and EVERY ONE of us … our true beings are still there;  what we were once and what we liked about ourselves is still there.  It’s this evil illness that is so terrifyingly strong is able to do to us … to shut down the good side of us and makes us believe that there is only bad left.  And it sits back and smiles in that knowledge.

The key they say to getting better or to be able to cope with this illness is to do a lot of things for ourselves to help combat this illness.

Things like:   regular GP appointments, psych appointments (both psychologist and psychiatrist) – but I also think that sites like this one are a definite positive – we aren’t professionals, but we share the same illness and some of us have potential ideas to help – and above all, ALL OF US care like crazy for everyone who comes on this site. 

Things also like:  medications to help settle the mood and stabilise the thought processes and when we’re in real bad situations, these are essential – and as another wonderful person on this forum is finding, when they’re potentially not working, they need to be reviewed and changed – because there are so many out there available and perhaps the ones you’re on might not be for you.  

Also things like:  exercise, eating and drinking healthy (for the most part) and if there’s family and friends available and they’re receptive to your illness then use them.  If they aren’t however, leave them be, because they can be a really negative impact on you … and none of us need that - and from that, by coming here is a much more beneficial thing for anyone - we all know this illness and being like-minded it's such a comfort to be here.

One other thing is hobbies/interests … things that you may have once enjoyed … even to try and pick up ONE of those and give it a go;  and stick with it for a while. But you know, out of that above para and I do most of those – the ones I really enjoy is the exercise – I find that such an incredible release of tension.  Even if it is for just a short time;  a short time in this situation is better than none. 

GA, you’ve mentioned two things close to my heart … walking and exercise, which can be the same thing, but exercise covers so much more.  Can you please let me know what kinds of exercises/sports/those kinds interests that you enjoy.  If I can do one thing to try to get you off that couch, this is going to be my first try.  I want so much to help you, but to support you also. 

You might say, look Neil, I’m simply not ready to do this.  And if you do say that then wait for my next post, cause I’ll be sure to have some sort of response to that.

 GA, I believe in you … I believe that your soul and goodness that once was you is still there.  I guess that might be the first step is for you to at least acknowledge that, that it’s not totally gone.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mares73]

Pls pls pls if this msg isn't received today I will have to start a new thread to reply yo people as my ipad is playing up badly. Gorgeous GA my heart breaks to read about your current situation. When you described feeling already dead, just existing for others as an empty shell of a person, feeling unable to do anything but lie on that couch-that's been me the past few weeks. Yes I have different struggles & support issues but I do know what it's like to get up in the morning & feel like I've disappeared, that I'm just numb, than I have no life or purpose other than to be there for others. But no offence honey-you are wrong about having needs. You have more needs now than you realise. You need love, comfort, compassion, reassurance and support-and most importantly hope. I'm so glad Neil etc have been here for you. I would of been here for you all the way if I had of had a computer but only got my ipad back last night & say heading of your post so I guessed things weren't good but I was helpless to reach out to you. I pray you get this msg. Are you seeing dr, pysch, anyone helpful soon? GA you deserve so so much & it's so sad that your so low you have numbed yourself to the pain & in doing so can't feel what you need to get through this. Could you write a small list of what things help in these times-even pretend your writing it to me or a third person. Pls don't shutdown your feelings-I did it for so so long & all it did was make me feel isolated, desperate, alone & took away my hope. I know the strength you have. I believe in you so so much. And I care beyond words. I'm here for you, you are so important in my life, yet I ask nothing of you but to find that glimmer of hope. If you can't just post & let me know how you are later today. Lve Mares xxx ps you are beautiful & unique

[geoff]

dear GA, the limbo that depression puts us in, we aren't capable nor do we have the strength to fight it off, but I agree as always I do with Neil as his compassion shows through, and I also agree with him when he says ' I believe that your soul and goodness that once was you is still there', yes it's still there but being repressed by your depression, like it does to you, me and all the others.

The amount of energy required to even lift yourself off the couch is gi-enormous, and to even think about doing it again requires the mind of a  physicist to try and have a calculated plan to solve the world, but you have no desire what's so ever, shove it to the hard basket.

As strange as this may sound, the fight to get rid of your depression, can not be done, and I know how stupid it is by saying this, however what you can do is NOT to let it get any worse, that's what you can fight against, because this illness will finally tire of you and eventually give up on you and find someone else.

I know that the question you are going to ask 'IS WHEN', and that I can't say, I only know that when it may slightly break away from you, you will know, and I assure you that you will know, and from there on your life will change, where you will have your ups and downs, but that's part of the course.

So a start is when you are alone and just want to collapse and curl up in bed, and that means that you are feeding the illness, and as beautiful as it sounds just to go to bed and the temptation is so appealing, try not to, but if it is too strong then go and have a nap.

Rather a strange reply from me, and by the way I am not wearing any white jacket. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

       I just had a session with my psych so I don't see her again until next Monday. I don't have an appointment booked for my GP and no reason nor petrol to get there. Meds wise I am still taking them and though they have done wonders for my anxiety, I can't help but think that some of this numbness may be due to them. I have to take them or else I don't sleep so I am not going to go off them suddenly.

You know Neil I can't even remember what Iliked about myself. There were things I didn't like, so I threw them away. but nothing filled the gap left behind.  I just don't know how to fix this, if it's even fixable.

Exercise wise, I had been trying to walk everyday, even just round the block but now that my husband is back at work ( though not being paid for two weeks, despite our centrelink benefits being cut off immediately) The afternoon where we would work, he is exhausted from his new job so he walks part way home and I come pick him up. Without him to come with me I just don't have the motivation most days.

I own rollerblades and wanted to get into it but I need to lose more weight/get fitter first as my joints, particularly my right leg are dodgy and I think it would put to much stress on it at the moment. Walking is lower impact. I borrowed a bike but do not know how to ride, and at the moment all it is another thing I can't do/failed at.  We used to teach martial arts- medieval sword fighting. However since christmas where we taught moved premises and hasn't set up at the new place yet. Not sure if they are going to be able afford to set up there. Students aside, we used to do training sessions against each other (my husband, my stepson and I) but my husband refuses to fight me when I am still angry at him for what he said in an act of 'tough love'.

I don't know when I am going to be not angry or hurt about that, despite the fact that regardless of how bad my day has been or how angry I am at someone else, I have never hit someone in anger. I wouldn't do more than the usual training with him, even angry as I am. Of course he doesn't believe me so we don't train any more. Any thing else I used to do- dance classes or swimming we don't have the money for until his second or third paycheck. We owe people money.

GA