It's so hard just to keep up pretenses everyday

[Girl_Anachronism]

I am beyond tired and exhausted.

It feels like effort to do anything..Everything I do blows up in my face, and to what end? It's so hard just to keep up pretenses everyday.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

I don't feel the need for anything. If not for my OCD I wouldn't have the energy to keep myself clean and do the few cleaning tasks around the house I have managed this past week. I barely eat when others home because I not hungry, even when they are.

Normally I am good at IT stuff but I don't have an iPad or tablet of any kind, so I can't help unfortunately. I just hope it gets resolved soon. I do not have an appointment for my GP for the immediate future nor the funds to do so. My psych I am seeing next Monday.

I also have a referrel to the Occupational Therapy Unit at the same hospital my Psych is at. but Introvert + Social Anxiety + Unable to get myself off the couch let alone out of the house = not going to any of their program.
At the very base, if I could motivate to do what their classes are for- art,exercise,etc I prefer to do these things alone and have the resources to do so at home or close by, not with a strange group of people in a strange place.

As for what helps, I had not necessarily fixes but a list of distractions- reading books, playing videogames, drawing/painting/photography, listening to music, learning random online courses, youtube videos of all of the above. The youtube videos are all I can manage these days and sometimes not even that. The rest don't give me pleasure- I have tried. Mostly to seem ok to my husband in the evenings I do my cross stitch project. When he's not here I can't do more thanstare at it and than curl up into a ball and wish I could cry or sleep forever.

Everything always goes wrong, I don't dare hope anymore. Hope, happiness, laughter, they are all just things that happen to other people.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff,

It's a strange feeling. It's like people point at my chest and say that I still have a heart, they can see it right there. I look down and see nothing but a gaping hole. THere is something so very very wrong with me. I don't know how to begin fixing it. I don't know if it's fixable. I just keep ticking, like an automaton that activates when commands are given but does nothing of it's own volition.

It seems petty to complain about this, when there are people here who have suffered depression 20 + years. Here I am complaining about three weeks of torment. I am a terrible person. Was I always this way, and  was just too stupid to realise? I suspect the answer is yes. Why would anyone try to save me? Why would anyone choose to be with me, need me, rely on me? To feel better about themselves I suppose.

Bak to what I was trying to say- I have been trying to not let it get worse over the past two weeks. I lowered the bar to the point were being there for tomorrow was an achievement. How is that a functional human being? How am I contributing to society? I'm not. I'm just leeching resources. Resources that could be used on those that could be saved. Those that are worth saving.

I don't know if I can not curl up on the couch, but is staying in my computer chair good enough? That might be all I can do right now.

GA

[strangebrew]

HI GA dont ever feel like its petty to post in here, whether its 20 yrs or 3 weeks the intensity and impact on the life is still the same. For me it took years to even identify. The walking automaton feeling I think is the bodys way of getting by when the mind is in torment. I have been able to hold down jobs or things I know I have experience and knowledge in, but cant if it is new or I am not confident about it. Whether we have the energy we still have to eat and breathe and sleep. The body keeps doing this like many other things to keep going. But the mind feels like it has gone nowhere, in circles or seriously backwards.

you are struggling but remember you are not struggling alone.

SB