It's all getting too much.

[Bx]

Hi,

I'm new to this and not really sure how to go about it all. So I guess I just start with how I feel. Everyday is like a constant battle with myself. I notice myself pushing people away but I can't stop myself from doing it. I can't stop myself from crying all the time or excluding myself from fun because i feel like I don't deserve to smile, i'm on medication and have been for a while though it's not changing how I feel about myself. I also get so tired of trying to explain why I am or why i'm this way. I'm at the point where I no longer have any friends and my family are just about to give up on me too. I feel so alone in a world full of people and I would just give anything to feel "normal" again. I hate that I frustate everybody around me and it feels like i'm a burden on people, I know that noone likes anybody who's constantly sad, I want to be happy but how do i start? I'm thinking about getting myself admitted in to a mental hospital because I just can't keep fighting myself everyday. It breaks my heart when the people I love tell me to just get over it and stop with the poor bugger me. I just feel as though I bring no joy to anybody and they just expect the worst from me or just sit back an wait for me too fall. I even feel silly trying to explain myself to strangers.

Sorry and thank you for taking the time to read.

[geoff]

hello, firstly please don't feel silly trying to explain how you feel, your post says it all, maybe it's not so much as we pushing people away but we are unable to socialise or cope with them continually being around you and being told to 'get over it' or even worse 'the poor bugger comment' which have been said by people who have no understanding of what depression actually means, because they have been lucky and not have had to cope with it themselves.
When someone has depression it's normal for friends and family to leave you alone or just go away, because they don't know how to help you and really don't care, because with me I was only left with one or two people out of a bunch many others.
I wonder whether it's time for you to see your doctor once again and get your medication reviewed, because if any antidepressant (AD) isn't working then it may need to be changed, so look at this as being one positive move for you, and don't forget that the next AD may not work and then you have to try another one.
I went through the same process as many others have as well, but I tried at 6 or so before the doctor found the one that suited me.
I know that this is a pain but it's what has to be done.
As you haven't mentioned any counselling doesn't mean that you not had any, but ask your doctor about the 'mentl health plan' where you can get 10 free visits per year to see a psychologist, but the main concern here is that you and him/her have to have a close understanding of each other, in other words where you don't fear about talking to them about what has been going on.
Hope to hear back from you. Geoff.

[Mellbell]

Hello bx,

I understand completely what you are going through, I am going through the same thing, half of my friends couldn't handle my mental illness and they left me, while I pushed my other friends away because I couldn't stand disappointing them all the time and hating myself for it. My family constantly ignore my problems like they don't exist. I know that its so hard to try getting back onto your feet and then having one negative comment knock you back down. The constant fear of disappointing people that make you not want to leave the house.

Im sorry that i dont have any great advice for you like most people, im more sorry that youre hurting at all. But I was hoping that I can show you that you aren't alone. Im new to this discussion board as well, i was reading through and came across your post. Reading it made me cry, mostly because i realized that I'm not as alone in my dark thoughts and inner agony like I thought I was. I don't know you, it may seem silly but I want you to know i care about you, I know you can overcome this, i believe in you!