I'm so scared...

Mellbell · ‎19-06-2016

Hello everyone,

My name is melissa and i am 25 years old. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about three years ago. This past year has been the most darkest of my life. My issues have now lead me feeling completely hopeless, worthless and honestly not wanting to wake up in the morning anymore.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 months that destroyed my self esteem, I endured months of bullying from my boss and I was too scared to stick up for myself, so I just quit after working at that place for 7 years. No good bye party, no we'll miss you, nothing. I attempted to try and study so I could get a better job but my depression mentally broke me just a few months in. Because all that i had to move back in with my parents, I failed at everything and now im just stuck with very large bills I have no idea how to pay for. I'm scared every day because I wonder what could happen to make my life harder and more stressful then it already is. I feel as though I am a burden to everyone around me now. My anxiety has gotten so bad I cant go shopping anymore, I cant go out to lunches or dinners anymore, I have anxiety attacks so bad I get physically ill, and thats just doing any task that requires me leaving my room. My family and friends believe I'm just being a b*** and that I don't want to spend time with them. I've explained to them that I have a mental illness, they don't care. My friends just stopped inviting me places, I have tried to get in contact and reach out to them but I have never gotten a reply, but I see them constantly spending time with each other. The same goes with my family, its like a punch im the stomach when they make plans with each other and not invite me.

I do see my gp monthly and in the middle of switching to a new medication, my third one, but I don't see a point anymore. Its gotten to a point that I honestly believe that no one would even realize I was gone if I were to succumb to the mental illness. I honestly dont believe anyone would care. I'm fighting tooth and nail every day to keep going. I'm honestly sorry if I have bothered anyone by writing this, honestly I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm lying here in my bed at 2am, with tears pouring out my eyes, just begging for the voices to stop. To just leave me alone. I'm just so, so scared..

Guest_1055 · ‎19-06-2016

Dear Mellbell

It is almost 3am, so I am unsure if you are still awake. But I just wanted to tell you that I care about you. I am sorry you are hurting so very much. I know you don't know me, but I can send out a hug to you in hope you won't feel so scared.

I need to go to sleep now, but just popped on to Beyond Blue and noticed your post. And I needed to tell you that I care....I care.

With kindness

Shell xx

geoff · ‎19-06-2016

hi Melissa, you never know about what will happen when you meet someone new only until you live together or as the relationship develops over time what they are actually like, and unfortunately for you, your then b/friend was abusive which I'm deeply sorry for, but because of this it makes you step backwards and you lose your confidence and self esteem.
Now this has stopped you from doing the things you want to do, such as studying, shopping and also meeting with your friends, who will quickly disgard you if you don't 'toe the line', in words do what they want to do, so now all of these 'friends' are no longer your friends, and even by trying to gain their friendship isn't worth trying to do, simply because if something goes wrong or happens with you, then off they'll go once more.
Even when you try and tell them that you're suffering from anxiety and perhaps depression is only going to go through one ear and out the other, they won't listen to you or even feel sorry for you, but when you do overcome all of this you will end up much stronger mentally than they are, and by saying this isn't something which you feel won't ever happen, yes it may at the moment, but not long term.
Ask your doctor about the mental health plan where you are entitled to 10 free visits to a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but personally the latter is not what I found to be helpful.
Could you also contact Anglicare who will be able to sort your bills out and get the creditors from writing letters and stop the phone calls, I found them to be terrific for me when I needed help.
Hopefully we hear back from you. Geoff. x

hope4joy · ‎19-06-2016

Hi Mellbell,

I'm so sorry to hear the despair and loneliness in your situation. It sounds like you are in a very difficult and isolated place. It is also terrible that you were abused in your last relationship - you didn't deserve that.

I guess all I can suggest is something that is probably terrifying in itself, but it seems like you need some people on your side, to support you. Its a great suggestion by Geoff to contact Anglicare or some other not-for-profit support organisations to help with your bills. I'm also wondering if these organisations can arrange to have someone visit you at home through a mental health buddy program? For me one of the most important things has been to set up supportive people - my GP, psychologist and a psychiatrist, they each play their roles. Have you seen a psychologist? Maybe your GP can suggest someone that might suit you in your next appointment? Psychiatrists can be really helpful in finding a medication that works.

Also, I wonder how you go talking on the phone. There are lots of support services like lifeline, the suicide callback service, the samaritans, beyond blue - that can offer short term support and advice.

Wishing you lots of kindness Mellbell - and do keep connecting here on the forums.

Christina 🙂

Mellbell · ‎20-06-2016

Thank you all so so much,

When my partner left me because of my illness at the end of last year, I went to my gp and he has set me up with a mental health plan, in my town bulk billed psycologists are very hard to come by. I had to wait unti April for my first psychology appointment, I had my second last month and am due for my third appointment in a couple of months.

I find emailing and instant messaging much easier to communicate for help and advice, I don't know why, but calling or answering my phone has been my biggest set off for my anxiety.

I would like to thank everyone, knowing I have your kindness and support has helped more then you would know. Thank you

Guest_1055 · ‎20-06-2016

Hi dear Melissa

I am glad you are getting some help. About the calling and answering of phones. I am almost the same. So you are not alone there. I feel quite sick in the tummy actually.

They do have a"chat online" here on Beyond Blue Melissa. Maybe that could be useful for you. It is a bit more instant then these forums.

In kindness

Shell xx

Baz1956 · ‎20-06-2016

Dear Mellbell, So sorry to hear that you are having such a rough trot. I hope the advice given by Geoff and the others, lets you know that at BB there are people who care. And more importantly people who understand you. I hope you can get in to see that psycologist and that they maybe able to help you. I know it's hard but hang in there. Be kind to yourself and keep posting. Warm Regards, Baz.

mammafish8 · ‎20-06-2016

I'm an older person Melissa, but I totally get where you're coming from. My marriage broke down, lots of legal problems, wheels completely fell off my life. I used to worry much more about what else could go wrong and try to anticipate the future. My life was completely trashed. At the time and in my fifties, I always felt like improvements in my mental health were happening too late to save me from spiralling down. I ended up having to declare myself homeless at 55. From my point of view everything I was worrying about, not getting back into the workforce, being unable to put a roof over my head etc. happened. Good news is the world didn't come to an end.Bad news, worrying about what the future holds kept me unwell. The lessons I learned along the way, were not to focus on bad things that happen or let them define who you want to become. Try and work out what personal or emotional skill sets left you vulnerable to those situations instead of the events themselves. I spent years feeling worthless, hopeless and all those other things. Try and find some personal empowerment in knowing you have survived an enormous amount, and you have an opportunity to rebuild yourself as a stronger person. Yes, I do understand that at the moment how you feel may not feel much like an opportunity. Stay strong

hope4joy · ‎20-06-2016

Hi Mellbell,

thanks for getting back to us. Its great that you find email/chat environments safe to use - there are quite a few resources you can access this way. I did a free online course through mindspot a few months ago - it is a CBT based program - and you can choose to either telephone or email a counsellor for the course duration (about 8 weeks I think). Maybe something like this might help you in between your psychology appointments.

Take good care,

Christina 🙂