It never lets go does it.

[Paullus]

I was starting to believe that my constant companion, my pervasive melancholy, had given up and left my body/psych. I had 11 days where I felt normal, not manic, not depressed, just normal or what I call it at least. Nothing was an effort, I was functioning at a level I had forgotten about. It was wonderful and it was noticed by family and friends and I felt on top of life for the first time in years. But my 11 days of mental peace has evaporated and has plunged me back to what has become my tortured life. Nothing happened in my life that gave me 11 days of respite and nothing happened that took that away and therefore I am even more convinced that depression has brain chemical impacts of some description. For a while I had hope that this mental affliction had run its course, but no. I think it would have been better not to have experienced the brief lifting of the swirling black fog that many of us live with. I've not had much success with medication in the past, perhaps its time to try again although it is difficult living in the bush. Cheers and thanks for listening.

[demonblaster]

Hey Paul

So you're Bipolar? Asking cause you mentioned not being manic or depressed.
Cause between cycles there are those easier times. I'm BP.

I think we need to have the good times to give us hope that there is a better place we can be Paul.

Sorry that you're having a hard time of it all and back there, think that's a good idea to consider meds again.
There may be better or more effective ones out now days than when you last had them.

What about a psychologist or counsellor, do you see them at all?
They can help with coping mechanisms and also as here good to be able to talk about it all.

Do you know specifically what pulls you down?

GL.

I'll bbl if you wanna talk more

[Quercus]

Hi Paullus,

11 days of freedom. A double edged sword for sure. I feel the same about my physical disease.

A week of medication working and then the dull ache and restriction starts to come back. Hope and energy and freedom followed by resignation. And the knowledge that my disease will not go away. This is now my normal.

The positive... I don't fight my depression. It is a disease just like my other one. I accept this is my life and manage it as well as I can.

Meds are trial and error I've been told (by psychiatrist). Maybe it is time to make some changes to help yourself... New meds, new therapy, new goals and purpose. Having a taste of feeling good is hard to deal with. We want to feel like that again.

What have you tried in the past? And what sort of options are realistic in your area?

I hope you find the mood again.

Nat

[Paullus]

Thanks GL, nice to hear from you. No, I don't believe I'm BP, I do have a clinical depression diagnosis and yes, I have seen various Social Workers, a Psychiatrist and a couple of Psychologists and although they were very professional I never felt they got me or my mental illness, how could they really when I don't. It's funny calling it a mental illness as it conjures up a non functioning person confined to a padded room without love or support. That's not me at all. I've had absent parent issues as a young person, death of a father as a kid, same sex issues and varying degrees of family disfunction but no more than most people experience. I had good jobs, good friends, travelled a lot, had a 22 year relationship which ended amicably but experiencing all this, I've always had this cloak of swirling darkness which I never understood, still don't. I did though experience 11 days of clarity recently but bugger it, it didn't last. It's nice to have this space to talk when the house of cards collapses.

[Paullus]

Hi Nat ... I feel for you and your double whammy of physical disease and mental illness, I am sorry for the cards life has dealt you. I've tended to steer clear of meds because of the side affects making me dopey and I am a full time carer for my Mum who just turned 96. You are right, when feeling good you want it to stay. Stay strong Nat and thanks for your concern when saddled with your own issues. Cheers.

[demonblaster]

Thx for reply Paul, yeah wasn't sure if BP cause of the mention of mania, bloody depression's powerful isn't it.
I know what you mean about the cloak of darkness, between BP espisodes (cycles) I'm usually pretty happy go lucky but always same that's never been far. Not saying you're BP, it's depression.

Your dear Mum 96, what a fabulous age, what a trooper and you're full time carer. Good on you

Those 11 days I'm glad you had, it's something that you can have again and gave you a taste of hope and happiness.

It is good having here to vent isn't it. Lovely people, supportive & understand pain.

Take care Paul 🙂