FIRST TIME POSTER. A SUMMARY. I have Bipolar II.

[MzVicki72]

My birthday. I thought that M would have cooked me breakfast or at least made me a coffee in bed but no. I feel unimportant. Then I feel horrible because he is going through so much stress at work.
Mel tells me that she must be the worst sister in-law because she never remembers my birthday. I don’t know WHY she felt like she had to tell me this. No hug from B & M.
I thought J may have had the kids ring me on my birthday to wish me HB but I just got a quick text. I think that if I had small children I would have them call because I know it would make the other person feel great. I guess people don’t think like me.
I need to not have expectations of people. Everyone has their own shit.
I look at the photos on Instagram and everyone is so thin and beautiful and gorgeous with amazing clothes. I look at myself. Yet I can’t stop looking. Why do I torture myself? I know it’s not REAL.
I now weigh 107kg. I feel so so gross. But I also feel so sad and so tired. I just want to sleep. Then I feel like I’m useless. Just get up & get out and DO something then. But I feel so anxious and so sad. And so tired.
I don’t want to work . I want to work on myself. I want to feel good. I want to feel happy. I want to feel important. Like I matter. I’m afraid. Of failing again.
I don’t WANT to get the job I applied for. I really don’t want to do it. Then I feel horrible and guilty.
I want to go to L’s BD dinner but I feel so disgusting and fat I’m embarrassed. I ache. My stomach hurts. My hips hurt SO much all the time. My leg hurts SO much ALL THE TIME.
I want to sew but then I feel horrible in the clothes because of my size. I think what’s the point.
I need help.
Who can help me though?
I don’t want to talk to my friends. People have their own shit.
I fail. I don’t see things through. Then I fail. I start but never finish.
How do I pull myself up? How do I stop relying on the actions of others to make myself feel good?
I need help.

[white knight]

Hi vicki, welcome

I have bipolar2 also, among the mix. You've described the confusing swapping of intrusive thoughts well.

My one time psych said once "Tony you know the theory but putting it in practice you have problems" ..you seem to know the theory like you shouldnt have expectations of others and ecpecting people to ring and talk for your birthday instead of texting....they remembeted, that should be enough dont you think?

A dietician might be an idea. See your GP. I Cut out spuds, rice, pasta butter and excess sugar. It worked.

Anyway I can relate to your thinking.

As you are now a member, read one thread a day. Here is 2 that will get you started. Use google

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Post anytime. There's also a bipolar thread called "this bipolar life"

Tony WK

[demonblaster]

Hi Vick, welcome

Yeah I'm BP as well and it's a merry go round of emotions isn't it.
Depression and it goes very deep with BP does everything possible to pull us down.
I suggest to try and do things for yourself as you said self improvement when you're feeling better, between cycles, for now get yourself as rested as possible, it's utterly exhausting and try not to allow the downer feelings to continually pull you down. it's good at that.
I acknowledge it's the depression &am working on hard self talking and seeing it as a separate identity.

As White said there's good reading here and understanding.

Take care & remember it won't be like this all the time.

[MzVicki72]

Thank you so much Tony. I don't usually write so sporatically but I had that awful spiraling of thoughts running away with me and I felt like I really needed to get it down and out of my mind.

I'm looking forward to talking with like-'minded' people on these forums

:):

[MzVicki72]

Thank you so much DemonBlaster. As I replied to Tony. I don't normally write so sporadically but I really felt I had to get the spiraling thoughts down and out of my mind. I like what you said about seeing your depression as a separate identity. I might give that a go.

I'm having a much better day today. I hope your day is great.

:):

[demonblaster]

Good news better day today Vick good on ya 🙂

Thx yeah I feel pretty good today, giving up durries so random OMG"S lol but ok.

That's ok write whenever you want to, it's a good release and as you said be good talking to others in same or similar situations.

cya later