It Never Ends

[Buzz71]

Hi I posted much of this in the newbie thread but I would like to seek a wider audience.

I am 49, married (second time around) with two kids from my first marriage, and a five year old from my second. I am a career public servant at upper middle level, and I have had battles with depression and anxiety since my early 20s. Right now I'm going through (yet another) severe bout of depression. I appreciate we shouldn't post too much personal detail here but context is important.
I'm actually on leave on half pay all of 2020. After many years of stress at work I decided to take this year to be a stay at home dad and help my youngest with their first year of school. Things haven't gone quite to plan with COVID etc but that's unavoidable.
Now I am at home and at least not stressed by work but I am depressed as ever. I am very fortunate and have no major problems but I can't seem to shake it. I've tried two different medications over the years but mostly I feel the side-effects are worse than any possible benefits. I have finally weaned off the second of these with much difficulty.
I feel hopeless ... everything is poisoned by the depression. Halfway through my leave and I am already starting to stress about returning to work. Long hours and high stress are part of the deal and my family has suffered over the years. I saw little of my older two children when they were younger because I was always at work. I don't want - and my wife definitely doesn't want - me to return to that habit.
But at home not working I haven't found the peace and joy I was seeking. The depression never leaves and I am ... so... tired... of fighting every single day. I wake up and it punches me in the face. I am not suicidal but I do have thoughts about it being the only way to stop the pain. I have quit drinking because I did come close once last year on a work trip - after a lot of drinks I found myself on a high balcony and considered doing it.
I do have professional help and have a psych I have seen for many years. She is good but no one else in my life understands the pain. My wife cares but doesn't know how to help, and I feel that it is slowly destroying our relationship. I have no real friends left - no one wants to be around depressed people. I feel hopeless- I see no way out and I can't see any options that will make things better.
So here I am - hoping to talk to people that understand depression and won't just tell me to cheer up and move on. Thanks for listening.

[Gambit87]

Hey Buzz,

I'm not doing to badly atm. Things have been going well but ive been getting a little suspicious because things have been going a little TOO well haha.

I would love to just have my comfy cave, play games to distract me, do some regular exercise, sit in the sun, maybe some gardening. Instead I have five more years of dragging myself to work.

I cant relate to this sentence more haha except I have about 35 years until retirement - urgh. Do you have a man cave? I have so many good ideas for a man cave - except I don't really have the space to have one right now haha.

reading above about talking to people who don't have depression about depression and work - couldn't agree more. Its really hard because they don't quite seem to understand. I am very thankful and grateful they ask the question and try to connect but it can get a little upsetting when you cant talk to them. Its amazing when you can talk to people who have depression because they experience similar things to you.

At the end of the day we need to do whats best for us - if that means dropping some work or taking a few steps back in life to reset and recharge and focus on ourselves - then so be it.

Hope you're going ok.

[therising]

Hi Buzz71

There are definitely 2 sides to imagination. While what comes to mind can raise our spirits and consciousness, it can also become deeply depressing and seriously fearful.

As I mentioned to someone just recently 'Inspiration can be a hard taskmaster'. Inspiration is definitely not all rainbows and unicorns. For example, while I'd been working hard toward great changes in the way of bringing a 20 something year relationship back to life, I'd also been imagining a deeply challenging conversation. I just had it with my husband tonight. The marriage is now over. After the same depressing cycle repeating over the years, I felt inspired to break the cycle and here we are. What we may feel inspired to do can involve some initially upsetting moves.

I do not give myself the choice of imagining hopelessness. I know where this will take me and I cannot go back there: I've done depression before, for about a decade and a half, and it was hell on earth. If there is one thing I've learned that has made the greatest difference to me in helping me manage not returning to depression it is...I trust my feelings.

When navigating life blindly, I've learned 'down' is telling me that I'm heading in the wrong direction. If someone leads me to feel down, I navigate away from them. If a thought leads me to feel down, it's the wrong thought. If a situation leads me to feel down, I must navigate my way through and beyond it. I can't stay in it without remaining down. If I think I've mastered a challenge but still feel down, that's typically because I'm still in that challenge; it's not over yet. I'm still feeling the challenge. Do you think that's the case with the job? Maybe that challenge to find what works when it comes to your job isn't quite over yet. By the way, it can definitely be hard to ignore those who believe they know better. If someone believes you working a 10+ hour day is what's best for you, you know better than that. You feel the difference. Often, people who believe they know best are a little overbearing. The pressure put on males at times is downright crazy. Society triggers me when it comes to the hell it can put boys and men through.

You felt yourself on the right track, taking a break, reducing your hours. Establishing getting a feel for what naturally works can be so incredibly hard, especially when much of what we've been dealing with has been far from natural. It's like all we've got to reference and feel is...what's far from natural.

🙂

[Amanda2000]

Hi Buzz,

Oops sorry about the google-search! Hope I didn't cause you any anxiety. Try googling "supporting spouse with depression". The list looks a lot more positive.

It hurts me that I'm not getting the emotional support that I would like from my husband. It makes me feel like I'm suffering alone. Nobody's perfect so I try to focus on his good qualities. He's a very good provider, he takes care of a lot of things, he's very handy in the house/can fix almost everything, he makes me feel safe, he's faithful. In my case, I've come to accept that talking is not always the best way, he ends up getting frustrated and I end up feeling like he's blaming me for my condition. On my bad days, I stay away from my family. This seems to be working better for me.

We have a very good discussion going on here. I feel some comfort being in this group of "like-minded" people, haha.

[therising]

Hi Buzz

The search for what works and what doesn't can be long. I get what you say in regard to how people can throw all manner of ideas at you and how finding what works may not be held within any of them. This is something which can make things even more depressing, with that thought 'Nothing ever works'. What I would have given for someone to have offered what works at the beginning of my 15 or so years in depression, as opposed to at the very end. Yep, it took me 15 years to find what worked. Takes some far less time.

You mentioned your return to work after long service leave. This triggered a memory which I hope offers a different perspective on what it means to 'return':

A few years ago, my mum, my kids and myself went to our usual annual holiday spot near Lakes Entrance, in Victoria. This time felt different from the years before. By the way, this place is truly beautiful - a little set of flats tucked away in bush land, with a lake at the back door. No matter where you turn, you're connected with nature, including the incredible blanket of stars overhead at night. As the holiday neared its end, I felt myself becoming so down and I just couldn't put my finger on why. I never wanted to return home, whenever we'd go there, but this was a feeling that was almost soul destroying.

After my return home, I decided to meditate on the reason why I was feeling so deeply impacted. I emptied my mind, so as to open it up to any answer that may make sense. What suddenly came to mind was stunning, 'What are you re-turning to, turning to again?' My god, that was it. Each year when we went on that holiday, I was actually turning to who I naturally am - the adventurer, the lover of nature, she who loves change, she who feels more freedom to be herself and the list goes on. What I was re-turning to or turning to again, when I came back was...the suppression of my natural self. Here, there was little to no adventure, little to no connection with the true beauty of this world, little freedom from work and so on.

The challenge: To always be conscious of what we're re-turning to (turning to again). What are the habits we're trying so hard to tolerate. Are these habits in fact intolerable or even depressing? It sounds insane, I know, but just say (as a little kid) you always turned to your much loved persona of 'naturally heroic firefighter'. Imagine re-turning to that, big time. Perhaps a little extreme. What parts of your self do you sometimes imagine re-turning to?

🙂

[Buzz71]

Hello everyone. Thank you so much for your supportive thoughts, its actually a little overwhelming in a positive way. I will try and take the time to respond to everyone individually but I thought I would post a generic update.

I had to stop work today at 10am, it all just got too much. I had been pushing and pushing to continue and I just reached that point where I couldn't. So now I am at home. I have an appointment with my psych on Sunday so that is good. I don't know where to from here though. I've had endless appointments and nothing really changes.

I just can't see where to from here or how to make it better. I've changed almost everything about my life in an attempt to deal with depression and it still won't go away. I've ended my career path and taken a big pay cut to get a job with lower demands and responsibility and give me the flexibility to play some golf - but it hasn't stopped the depression. I've quit drinking, even though I miss it - but it hasn't stopped the depression. I can feel myself retreating again - I have very few friends, I avoid social situations, I want to do less and less and every day gets harder and harder. Even golf which has been my outlet to get outside and get some sun and air - I don't want to go there any more either.

I want to find a new path, but I don't know what that is. People tell me just to keep going, but that seems to get harder every day. I'm constantly at war with myself. As they say - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That seems to be depression in a nutshell. There is no answer so just keep on going in constant pain. I'm exhausted and I would like to get off this ride.

I don't mean suicide - I know what that would do to family members and I could never subject them to that. A large part of me wants to stop work altogether and just rest, just be, just take one day at a time. But that's not really viable and I don't think I could live with the guilt of quitting permanently because of the financial impact it would have on the family. So on the never ending cycle goes without much hope of it getting any better.

[Guest9337]

If a load is too heavy, we either get help or put the load down or use a lever or split the load into pieces.

That's ancient dave wisdom.

[Buzz71]

Good wisdom Dave. Problem is, I can't seem to work out what that help is.

[Guest9337]

Keep trying things and you'll find the solutions.

Help. Psychiatrist, Psychologist, counsellor, partner, family, work human resources, wider circles.

Lightening. You've done this somewhat. Any way to make it lighter?

Leverage. Researching on your own, books, websites, exercise, meds.

Split to pieces. What exactly is the load? We can't break it unless we define it clearly.

[Guest9337]

The Choice We All Have , But Only a Few Apply It | Jordan Peterson on Youtube.

Crikey, this Professor's onto somethings.

[Amanda2000]

Hi Buzz,

I TOTALLY share your pain. You've described the exact way I feel everyday!

For me, the harder I try to get better, the more depressed I would become the next day. I think the "awareness" can work against you. Not to mention the information overload on the internet. It's like everything just gets more and more overwhelming. I understand my condition but I cannot work out how to go forward. I feel like tomorrow will just be the same. Nothing will ever improve. So when I feel totally defeated, I decide to try less hard! The idea is to take a break and try to let go. It might be a radical view. If nothing else seems to be working, what have I got to lose?! My personal belief is there's no "cure". It's all about ongoing management to get through life and hopefully get some enjoyment along the way.