Trying to find out what is wrong with me

[justlurkin]

I'm 31 and ever since puberty it seems like I've been unable to finish or commit to anything. I was a smart kid and before high school started, I was invited to an "accelerated course" to complete high school in 3 years. I bombed out as soon as high school started and was never interested in doing any work at school or homework. The same thing happened after dropping out for TAFE and uni, I would just burn out a couple of months or even weeks into these courses.

I managed to get some semi-decent work through my 20's with no experience but wouldn't last particularly long in these jobs either, and have massive gaps in my resume. Now here I am at 31 and I'm barely able to concentrate on reading a few pages of a book, watching a tv show or even playing video games (which I used to enjoy a lot). Obviously all this is very bad for my "career" and future goals..

I have felt tired a lot of the time since I was 13, and went on antidepressants in January this year. I have never been obese and get a decent amount of exercise imo. I find it hard to consider myself a lazy person, as I have successfully run a business last year. It just seems like nothing seems to last with me and I eventually lose all interest. The meds seem to make me slightly less depressed but haven't made a dent in my motivation or concentration.

I have no idea what is wrong with me.

Any ideas?

[Here2Talk]

Hi Justlurkin,

It sounds like you have experienced psychological turmoil for many years... Sorry to hear that. There can be many reasons that we feel bad... Do you have many good relationships around you? Eg friends family partner?

[Guest9337]

G'day justlurkin,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums. I really want to start by saying, I think there is nothing wrong with you, or more accurately, many things are right about you.

You get to define "wrong with me", not me, not your peers or anyone else. So do take my words with a grain of salt if you like. Maybe you do want to define something you do/think/feel as wrong. Ok, what would "right" look like?

How much is enough for being good for you? What's the revenue number that is good enough for YOU and your business? What is the shortest study course that suits you? Don't feel like you have to answer those publicly or to me, though I am interested.

In the 2000's I found it hard to go beyond 6 weeks at so many things, gaming, coaching, study, exercise and diet regimes. So I started aiming myself at shorter courses, started changing exercise schedules mixing it up.

Those worked quite well. I went from doing two day to a week courses for simple certificates, to a few certificate 3's at tafe, then a couple of cert 4's, and eventually I discovered I could do a twelve week uni subject because of the mid-semester break. Gave myself every saturday off when studying, that helped heaps I reckon. The head space created by a dedicated day off every week recharged me, so too that midsemester break.

You already mention burning out in weeks to couple of months, ok cool use those estimates as a fair and reasonable limitation you have, something that can be worked with.

Businesses can be made to have cycles too. We might advertise hard for a month, cold calling, door knocking and finding new clients. Then aiming to provide excellent service to the new clients over their first month. Then seeking feedback from all clients in the third month. And in the fourth month making sure the cash flow is actually happening from the new clients.

Things like that can give us control over our waxing and waning motivation.

[Meowface]

Hey lurker. Yes, I can relate.

I am 32 and floating along in life. I’ve always felt like my outlook on life is a bit different, I’m quite cynical and feel like I’m watching everyone else in a movie.

Like, okay guys are going going to stop acting now??

Ever since high school, I’ve had teachers and bosses tell me that I have potential but I peak and then fall flat quite quickly. Most often because I get bored.

Ive recently got myself off medication because I’m sick of feeling like I have to take a tablet to fit in with everyone else. I’m trying to really find out who I am. I’ve thrown myself at doctors and psychologists for years and I’m really tired of it. Plus it’s expensive!!

I’d like to add, no one has never diagnosed me with anything severe. I’m very mild on the scale. And honestly I think it’s just my disposition.

Anyway I guess my message is maybe lurkers like us need to feel more comfortable in our own skin…maybe there is nothing wrong with us!

[therising]

Hi justlurkin

You sound like an incredible person, an absolute powerhouse with perhaps with not quite enough power to get through certain things.

I cannot help but wonder whether your energy levels should have been given closer attention when you were 13. The amount of energy input required during the teenage years is enormous. Two major sources for restoring energy are food and sleep, which helps explain why teenagers just love to sleep and eat. The body wants what it needs - energy. Not enough comes with consequences, whether they be mental or physical.

I've found feeling a lack of energy can come down actually physically feeling a lack. Personally, I can feel what a lack of hydration does to me and a lack of energy restoring sleep. When I'm well hydrated with enough productive sleep, I can feel the difference. While it's tempting to say 'I don't know what's wrong with me', which I've found myself saying on occasion, I've come to find it more productive in asking 'What is it I'm actually feeling or sensing in myself?' Is it a lack of basic energy or a lack of complex energy, such as iron, B12, vitamin D etc? Can't hurt to see your GP. Personally, I can feel when I'm overdue for a B12 shot. Maybe the medication is also messing with your chemistry/energy levels in some way. This may be worth looking into, whether it's common with that med.

A form of energy that rarely is given the credit it deserves is inspiration. Inspiration is naturally energising. If you've ever felt thoroughly inspired, you'll know what I mean. You could start off doing a course or a job which initially feels pretty inspirational and exciting, only to find out you're just not feeling the love for it anymore. As inspiration/excitement levels go down, so do energy levels. Without energy, there's no drive. Not sure whether you can relate but it's almost like in order to get your next hit (of inspiration) you have to leave where you're at, in search of your next hit. You just can't tolerate 'vibing low'. You gotta get 'high', especially if you thrive on this feeling. Personally, I'm a bit of an inspiration addict 🙂

It's quite trippy to think that thoughts impact energy levels too. Whether those thoughts become exhausting through anxiety or they're not generating enough of the chemistry you need, thoughts can be impacting.

Sometimes, it's a matter of 'I have no idea what I'm feeling/sensing but I do know I simply can't tolerate it'. Do you feel it's time for serious investigation?

🙂