Is this all there is?

[darko]

Im an 18 year old guy, and only recently during my unwanted gap semester post high-school (thanks to university requirements) have these thoughts been exacerbated. I dont understand why I even exist in this society. My "friends" dont even acknowledge me and make me feel like im worthless. I have felt like the second choice for everybody for so long I dont even remember if I ever really had a non-fake friend. Ive never been in a loving relationship with a girl, hell even had one interested in me while everybody I know finds the "one" and promptly abandons me. I feel constantly depressed and have episodes where I just feel completely alone. Ive been disassociated with existing for years now and I just zone out all the time. Recently ive been thinking, is this all there is? are these supposed to be the best years of my life? is this really all there is to living, to being in society here on Earth? I feel helpless because I spend most of my time alone and have been taken advantage of by many people who I thought were friends (for hundreds of dollars) as I was just grasping for any social connection. I can't find a job, I will never own a home thanks to the current housing market in Melbourne, I lost a finger because of faulty council equpment, I work out nearly everyday and am in good shape physically but still feel like shit, my chest hurts all the time because of my bad feelings in my head and I feel trapped. The only thing that actually supports me is my music, movies, and videogames, thats about it. This is the first time ive actually stuck my feelings to something tangible, aside from just reposting negative content online.

Has anybody else had these feelings? Who do I even go to for help? how do I even move forward in life when its over before it started? is there something wrong with me? why am I wired this way? 🫩

[darko]

Yeah absolutely, I agree that surrounding yourself with people who are your kind of people definitely does help. I just cant really connect because I have pretty bad social anxiety that I mask by just disassociating myself with existing, which hasnt helped unfortunately. Im not really sure if I would want to keep my feelings though. When most of what you feel is just bad or neutral at most, it kinda just creates a negative loop. Sometimes I wish I couldnt feel haha. But I will admit that knowing your path for example as you said, career-wise is definitely a good thing that I (kind of have?). Thankyou for the kind message though, I appreciate it. 

[Doors24]

Dear darko,

 I get it, the feeling of being a burden to others around me. But people who truly love or care about you shouldn’t see you as a burden. They should want to help instead of. I think I have to do everything alone for the same reasons as you. And in some cases it maybe true. Not everyone has the ability to have empathy or know that just listening is helpful. But a lot of people do have enough compassion to listen and even relate on some level. And professional people have all of the above, if that is helpful to make a tiny step forward in seeking it. They are detached from you, so they have no prejudice or bias towards you. And you don’t need to announce to anyone that you are seeking that service. After all, it is just for yourself. And I can assure you, you won’t be saying or expressing anything they haven’t heard before.

It is okay to not have everything all worked out. 
I don’t deal well with change either. It is like my life is a square box and a sudden change distorts the shape. It sets off panic until I can get the box to go back to its original shape of a square. For me, it does have to being on the spectrum and having a rigid approach to anything out of the ordinary. But it can also be about control and not having answers to calm my emotions. I have such high expectations of myself to know everything and not actually live life as it happens and learn from that instead. It is okay. Another way to look at it is that I speak English, but I don’t know the whole dictionary. I am still learning new words all the time. I also sometimes have to check the dictionary to know how to spell a word properly. Basically I don’t know everything and still learn as I go on. And that is the same for everyone too.

I hope you are finding some solidarity in people here and know you are important too.

Doors24

[darko]

Hey Doors24,

Yeah I definitely have. Talking here has definitely made me realise a few things about myself. I just wanted to know if my feelings were healthy or I guess sustainable. (wow big suprise no 😂) im probably going to start seeking professional help, im not really too sure about the whole process so I gotta read up on some stuff first like cost, expectations, etc. I dont think im going to tell my parents how I feel, but im not going to ignore my feelings at the same time. I just dont really see the upside in them knowing considering they havent been through the process at all. I hope I can get better, ill see, but ill definitely stick around on this website before I consider doing anything drastic as speaking has made me feel a little bit better. Especially, because ive kinda just felt this way for years and its been trapped in my head. Thanks for supporting me though, seriously. Its helped.

[therising]

Hi darko

Good to hear you're considering a professional guide, someone who can not only guide you in a direction that works for you but also guide you in coming to understand yourself better. 

There are a lot of people who manage social anxiety or discomfort with alcohol. Something I point out to my 20yo son (who doesn't drink), 'If you're trying to manage social anxiety naturally, without alcohol, you really need to give yourself some credit. There are plenty who can't manage without it'. If you speak to a lot of ex drinkers, they'll tell you the same thing. Once you stop drinking you have to develop a lot of the skills and abilities you didn't have to develop while drinking. This is something I can relate to myself. You don't realise at the time but you're putting off the inevitable, the need to develop social skills and ways of managing some of the stressors. While being forced to do a deep dive into 'What are some of those stressors?', it can be interesting. For example, you could suddenly realise 'I have a sensitivity to sound and can feel too much of it through my nervous system'. So some events have to be managed strategically based on the volume of sound or the number of different sounds all happening at once. While social anxiety could be the diagnosis, the reasons for the level of hyperactivity happening in our body can be many (being able to feel sound, a lack of social skills and the dread that can come with that, a fear of small talk etc etc). 

I can relate to not wanting to feel the more challenging emotions. Definitely not a fan of the ones that seriously test me. Took me decades to work out that those emotions are telling emotions. They can tell me a lot of things if I pay close attention to them. Might sound a bit strange but I've actually come to rely on them in a way. If I'm feeling deeply depressed, this tells me there's something deeply depressing going on. The challenge comes down to finding out what it is. If I'm feeling highly stressed, I need to investigate what the highly stressful factor is or factors are that are going on in my life. If I'm feeling a painful sense of loneliness, I have to work out why. If I'm experiencing myself in a soul destroying loop, there's a need to know exactly what the loop's about (all its components) and how to break the loop. The hardest stages, when it comes to these things I mention, can involve 1)feeling those things and 2)trying to work out what they're about. With the 3rd stage comes the reward, the feeling of evolving through having worked it out. Btw, the longest loop I've even be stuck in lasted about 15 years or so (long term depression). The depressing soul destroying loops are much much shorter these days, based on having developed strategies for working them out. In the process of gaining an understanding, you can come to understand your nature too. For example, when someone says 'You should do this...', you can confidently say 'No, it goes against my nature. Based on past experience, I find that strategy or way of thinking to be soul destroying'. 

[darko]

Thanks therising,

Its great to hear that you managed to come out of a long term depression, it certainly gives me some hope for the future. I came into here with experience of relapsing from depressive episodes that lasted a few months, so. But I do have to agree with the drinking point, I have mates who refuse to go out unless they drink because they are afraid of not doing great socially. Hopefully I can find those stressors you speak of, so maybe exploring external help may help me realise what they might be. Maybe I can find my way out of stage 2. I appreciate the support, thankyou and have a great day 🙂

[therising]

Hi darko

With the relapsing aspect, not sure if the following perspective will be of any help but I hope so. I can recall being told many years ago 'You need to face the possibility that you are prone to depression and may experience it for the rest of your life'. Of course, I really felt that as depressing. I may as well have been told 'The rest of your life is going to feel pretty hopeless but with sprinklings of occasional happiness, maybe'. Looking back, a far more productive take on it would have sounded like 'You have the ability to feel what's depressing. You're going to have this ability for the whole of your life, so you need to learn how to better understand it and manage it'. While I haven't yet mastered perfectly understanding it and managing it, I've come a long way.

While keeping in mind that imagination can be a key to unlocking a different perspective, everyone will imagine differently, so it's a matter of finding what works for you. Personally, I imagine (as I'm walking my life's path) there will be inevitable depressions I will experience along that path. They're not the little potholes on the path, they're the deep holes on the path and while they may feel the same, each one is different. Some of them will be basic, about one thing in particular, and some will be incredibly complex when it comes to raising ourself or being raised out of them. While when I was younger I used to think of myself as relapsing, returning to depression, these days I tend to say 'That depression which I eventually came out of was about this..., that one was about that..., that one was about these collective factors..., that one involved a chemical imbalance, that one involved me having to figure out what my grief was about' and so on. They are all behind me, one after the other (never the same one). If I'm always moving forward on my path, I'm never returning to the same depression on the path. There will be plenty to come and I will manage them too. I will feel them but I will also manage them. When I come across the next one on my path, I will ask 'What is this one about? Why am I in it? What do I need to do or know when it comes to raising myself out of it? Do I need someone to help me out of it?' etc. There will be plenty of questions, like usual, and there will be interesting revelations too. I will come out of the next one, just as I've come out of all the ones behind me. 

Life is a landscape, with its paths, hills, valleys, depressions, incredibly stressful parts to navigate, moments or places of brilliance, occasional traveling companions and more. Uncharted territory can be the hardest territory to navigate through. We have to be kind to ourself as we do it.