Is crying good or bad for you?

[white knight]

The dreaded act of crying. That's from my view. Always large for my age in a mans world ex military, prison officer, security etc a world where crying immediately and permanently embeds weakness into other mens assessment of you. Behind the scenes the big man became himself- a weeping mess battling illnesses I never realised I had. That was from as long as I can remember until 2 years ago or so. Then...the crying stopped! I've wondered if that has been good or bad...and why it stopped.

Crying is thought to release stress hormones in the body. So there is a reason for it. It can be socially attractive to do in some cases. Attracting help for example. For me- I always ended up with a headache! if I cried.

So why did I stop crying?  Well I can paint a short picture of the circumstances. What was happening prior to 2 years ago? My medication had been correct after many years of false diagnosis and wrong medication from that false diagnosis. I'd dated and married my wife 3 years ago. So there are some changes, but it doesnt address something. Within those two years I'd had 2 meltdowns or "episodes" as my doctor called them whereby on both occasions wandered aimlessly where ever my body took me. Fully in a depressive state but I did not cry.

I recently felt depressed. My depression doesnt last long nowadays. But I walked into the bush and sat, for hours, numb. I was aware a film of water enveloped my eyes but no tears fell. That's odd I think. Then I walked home. I needed the connection to nature, I needed to be alone. I was not suicidal. Planned that 18 years ago and I'll never go there again nor put my loving family through what could have been. That avenue IMO is stupid and selfish. Both my brother and uncle went that way

I read on this forum upset people telling us they have cried all day. I feel for them, they must be hurting, they must be feeling empty and hopeless. They likely do not see any relief in their pain. 

Well there is relief, there are answers there- they are just in your line of sight, just beyond your reach and it is in the form of management. 1. Correct diagnosis 2. Correct medication 3. Correct quantity of medication. 4. Appropriate professional support 5. The will to get better 6. Environment 7. Supportive family and friends. 8. Less work pressure and so on.

Achieve some of these and the light at the end of the tunnel might get closer and brighter. And you just might cry less. And I still dont know if crying less or more is better for you....

[Magyarok]

Hello WK,

Your story is very similar to my Dads.  He is also ex army, ex security officer etc and he was conditioned not to express any sign of perceived weakness such as crying.  He was a very angry and hard man and i used to cop the brunt of this growing up and i was also conditioned not to cry or show any sign of weakness.  If i ever did cry he would call me a 'girl' and hit me even harder.

Soon after he left the army he had a breakdown in his early 40's and has been on meds ever since.  Now he is very free with his emotions and he will unashamedly cry whenever he feels the need and will now freely express love, affection and empathy etc.  He is now a completely different person and for the better.

As for me i am a caring and loving person but unfortunately i can not cry because i have been conditioned not to.  The closest i have ever come to crying is just controlled silent sobing and i haven't managed that for years.  These days all i can manage is maybe a couple of tears or a tightening in the throat which i am feeling right now as i am writing this.

I wish i could literally cry.  On the exterior i appear to be this calm, strong, stable person but just below the surface i feel all this emotion just bubbling away and i wish i could let it go but i simply can't. 

I'm in my 40's now the same age as my Dad was when he had his breakdown.  Sometimes i feel like i am on the verge of this and i am just waiting for that final tipping point.  Maybe having a breakdown in a way would bring relief?  I don't know?

As for your question i think crying is good for you because it is an opportunity to release and process emotions.  But i also think that if you can crying is best done in a 'safe place' where you can let go without the fear of ridicule odr judgement.

I also find peace in finding solitude out in the bush to at least process some of my emotions even though i can't cry.  Thankfully with my line of work in environment i often do go out into the bush by myself for work.  I also find exercise useful for processing emotions.

Good luck to you and don't be afraid to cry!

Kind Regards

ignoP   

[Magyarok]

In addition to my previous reply ......

In contrast to my Dad who hid behind anger, i instead hide behind a veil of humour to cover my true feelings as a husband and a father. 

I will oftentimes act the fool, act and talk in childish ways and take on different persona's where i completely change my personality including taking on different accents, mannerisms and postures etc.  It makes people laugh and diffuses situations and i can avoid confronting my true feelings.

I don't know what this says about me - do i have split personalities or just multiple persona's?  I wonder if there is a name / label for this?

But even though i can make others laugh i find it hard to laugh myself.  As with crying my laughter is very restrained and i can't let it go.  My dad never / rarely laughed either.

As with crying i remember my dad telling me sternly to 'shut up' or to 'settle down and pull your head in' if my laughter was loud enough to disturb his peace.

I wish i could unreservedly laugh.  Laughter as with crying is useful for dealing with and processing emotions.  Laughter is supposed to make you and others feel good

Good luck to you and as with crying don't be afraid to also laugh OUT LOUD!!!

Kind Regards

ignoP    

[HA1]

Hi WK

A good post - thank you.

Until six months ago, I don't recall crying ever - maybe in my first few days in primary school (not sure).  Then six months ago, my mask came off and it all came out in one hit.  I ended up being hospitalised.

Prior to this, I know I often felt like crying, but nothing except shaking.  Since hospital, nothing again. There is nothing left maybe.

But I agree with ignoP, I think crying must be good for you.  It releases pressure valves.  If I had not started crying that time six months ago, I don't think that I could have come clean with my feelings, and then I would not have been hospitalised and, in turn, I would not have been on this road to recovery.

cheers

K

[Jo3]

Hi WK

Not a day goes by where I DON'T cry. At the moment that's all I am doing, not good tonight, emotional, angry, frustrated and losing hope.

jo

[AGrace]

Interesting Question WK!

I'm a bit too contemporary to see crying as a sign of weakness. To me it's like going to the bathroom - everyone has to do it.

I have to say antipsychotics seem to make it difficult to cry. But for me personally I'm all for a good cry and I no longer care about where I am or who I'm with.

Some trivia on tears:

88.8 per cent of people feel better after crying, with 8.4 per cent feeling worse.

On average women cry 47 times a year and men a mere seven.

Until puberty, crying levels are much the same for each gender – testosterone may reduce crying in boys while oestrogen and prolactin increases the tendency in girls.

Men may excrete more of the toxins related to emotional stress in their sweat because they have higher sweat levels than women.

The mantra to children 'Be brave, don't cry' might not be the most helpful because some believe crying can actually help reduce pain.

AGrace

[white knight]

I love that trivia on tears. "normal" is a fluid where nobody knows where it be, but we that live on extremes like to know where normal could reside so we can gauge ourselves. Men- 7 crying sessions a year is a good gauge for me. It puts things into perspective.

Yes, crying has to help. I get headaches post crying but that is likely a bi-product, masking the actual benefit.

Jo, I'm often gone tackling the 'black knight'...my demon. So if you dont hear from me I'm preoccupied. Crying is likely doing you good, much more beneficial for you than I. Like an emotional bandaid...

[geoff]

dear WK, another interesting post as always.

I am a person who will cry when I need to, I don't feel embarrassed nor do I feel ashamed, and both my sons cry, whereas my twin, no depression ever, no OCD and very rarely sheds a tear.

At my Dad's funeral I was hysterical whereas my other 3 brothers didn't cry, my sister did, but it's acceptable for a female to cry, and the same happened at Mum's funeral.

So the question is why do I cry and they don't, is it because of my depression, or is it a natural response, because I always cried when I was young, as Mum always said 'it's OK for boys to cry'.

I never saw Dad cry, but being a GP would have taken to him to so many dark places so he was used to seeing people die, so I can relate to what you have said WK being in the military and police force.

Both my puppies knew when I was crying and would come up to me and pay me all the attention they could to try and console me, maybe I'm a big sook, but I don't feel that way, but perhaps I'm not more emotional than any other person who doesn't cry. Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your response. I have observed other men as you have that dont cry, at least in front of us. I think 'criers' might well be more in touch with life, our finitality and even the beauty of life itself. Sounds like I'm trying to grab some accolades  in almost an arrogant way but its not like that.

Perhaps I'm trying to say criers "feel" more are more sensitive to feelings. I could be wrong with this. I'm finding it hard to express.

My best friend could never relate to my being a crier. At his dads funeral a few years back, he cried. Later I mentioned this and told him...see, that feeling of grief is what I've felt every time I've cried. He then understood.But I was suffering depression ongoing. You touched on that Geoff. I think you are right. Is crying an accurate reflection of depression? Likely not as many have depression and dont cry.

However!  I've swapped crying from a bad feeling to a good feeling. I've realised that to "feel" life, "feel" the beauty of a forest or animals and cry over it is good. Crying over difficulties like pain is different.

I wish I had more answers.

[Jo3]

Hi WK

All I have done over the past 24 hrs is cry.  Cried myself to sleep last night, woke up and started to cry.  

Is crying good - I don't know.  I feel better when I do cry but I feel weak when I cry, 

Are you and Geoff saying that crying and depression go hand in hand? Or that if you an an emotional crier then your depression is worse?  Maybe I have read your and Geoff's post wrong.

Not good with understanding things today

jo