Is anger a problem for you?

[Scotchfinger]

Who me? No way. Just because I'm old and grumpy and oversensitive and get annoyed by 90% of the population 90% of the time, doesn't classify me as angry, does it?  (smiley, smiley)

My problem, as I'm sure it was for a lot of you, is that I didn't deal with my own anger when I was young. "Anger" was seen as an emotion that could only be expressed by parents or older siblings, those in authority. Boundaries? We never heard of that word in the sixtees and seventies. Ok maybe for cricket, I admit.

It didn't seem appropriate or cool for me to express annoyance, so I never did.

So now I'm making up for lost time. just get angry for fun now. For nothing so I can stay in practice, in form.

I heard that anger and depression are like twin brothers though. I need to work on some of my anger, mostly caused by rumination. The past seems to really influence my current happiness. I wish I could just focus on the present .

[Simona]

Hello Scotchfinger : )

Aha. It is indeed a problem and one which I struggle controlling/muzzling sometimes.  Probably more often than I would like to admit. Thing is;  one minute I'm happy lad-di-dah and then something happens and I lose it.  And it begins with a foul word so menacingly fired - like a poison dart.  And sometimes it escalates and i hit the wall with my fist/elbow the door.  Broke sunglasses (mine). Drive the car hard.  Challenge people and not know when to back off (3 men in Coles car park over car spot).       Picked up and hurled a mirror off a display shelf in a store because sales assistant said something I didn't  like . That was in the city though.

It could be something so minor/insignificant but I just can't help myself and then I feel like a really bad person the next day because (usually) partner is almost tiptoing around me and/or saying "Is there anything i can do for you?"   and I'm supposed to be the sorry one.

Stress is not good for me and neither is insomnia.  The two make me feel almost insane at times .

[Elizabeth CP]

I read a book some time ago which suggested we need to allow time to experience negative emotions. This means acknowledging the emotion and what is causing it. For example saying to yourself Í am angry and then thinking   Im 'tired and such and such has gone wrong so it isn't surprising I feel angry

Obviously this is about acknowledging your emotions not using them as an excuse to act out inappropriately. Normally we try to get rid of negative emotions because we are taught they are bad. The problem with suppressing the negative feelings is it just bottles them up until they explode. 'By allowing the emotion to be acknowledged and accepted as reasonable it allows the feeling to subside naturally. 

From your post it sounds like you have spent a lifetime suppressing negative emotions and now feel bad about feeling angry which then leads to further anger. 

It is worth a try to see if thhais approach helps at all.

[white knight]

Hi SF

Well, I think this anger is more in men than women but that's an assumption.

I've found, rather my current wife has found, that my moods lead to anger. Hence my rather large dose of mood stabilisers which help a bit but not a lot. Compared to my depression that has a very small dose of AD's and that fixes me quite well.

Men and moods, "grumpiness"....mmmm.... some of us shy away from small talk. We like only talk that is productive. eg I live in a tiny town near a larger town. When in the larger town I meet others I know. When I stop for a chat I want to talk about serious issues like how to fix my ride on lawn mower, a federal election, 9/11 or similar....then the talk goes to the persons grandson and his 3rd birthday party at a local park ..."and there were balloons everywhere...and the cake was this lovely mud cake with sprinkles on top..." And I'm outer here!!! Is this reasonable? Sure isn't, I am not rude and retreat slowly with grace but I'm selfish as I am only interested in the topics that inspire me. Mind you if that old lady was sad I'd cheer her up, that is inspiring a challenge for me. It's stimulating.

I'd like to see more research on our grumpiness. I feel my grumpiness is like at 60yo I have lived 120 years. I jammed so much into my younger days due to mania, lived so much life, that I'm burned out with "been there done that."

So anger for me is the result is the end product of moods. My anger though is expelled by the raising of my voice. As if I'm frustrated. It isn't fair on my wife so I apologise often.

Tony WK

[Scotchfinger]

Thank Tony

Glad I'm not the only one with a problem.

.

[Guest_1055]

Yes it is a problem sometimes for me, you are not alone.

Xxx

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Scotchfinger,

Anger was a problem for me but as my depressive illness has improved, my anger has diminished. At one point, I'd seethe with it, finding it difficult to contain it. I am just thankful it has almost gone.

I am however left with the question, "How will my anger be when I'm back to normal?" It is interesting because like you, I rarely got angry when younger...Now I believe it is healthy to "let out" anger constructively, e.g. punching a pillow!, yelling under water, exercise, etc.etc, rather than suppressing it (or clocking someone!).

They say you get depressed when your needs go unmet, maybe this is the source of anger too? I don't know.

As for focusing on the present, Ideally, I try to live in the present moment, no guilt over the past and no worry about the future. This is a LOT easier said than done but I find it worthwhile to remember.

TMB

[DefiantPanda]

Yes anger can be a problem as it can stop me from doing something constructive as I get caught up - 'Why is this happening to me,' or 'This is so unfair!' Instead I should say okay I'm angry, feel it for a moment, maybe yell and scream or roll my eyes, then quickly say okay what am I going to do about this situation that is going to help me. But it is easier said than done.

[Simona]

Well, just saying: I'm really trying to get help in the anger management area but have to wait a long time since living very rural ( i have to wait till March ).       And I'm really not a bad person at all it's just that I get worked up very fast and sometimes I do say sorry if it's really my fault but usually it's actually not my fault at all.   Partner often deliberately provokes me and that's a fact.  The sales assistant at the jewellery shop used a very condescending tone with me and the car park scenario escalated because I stood my ground bravely against people who in my strongest opinion; were clearly high on some illegal substance and were trying to bully me in a very public setting.

But please let it be known  I also have a vigilante side and come to the aid of other's in distress without a second thought because I care. I don't like to see people abused. Period.   That anger/rage - whatever you want to call can at times be very beneficial because that rush of adrenalin makes me feel superhuman and i don't even flinch even when screaming face to face with someone.

Yes. I have in the past considered joining the police force but they have too many rules

[Scotchfinger]

Thanks Simona and Motorcycle guy

I'd like to see "anger" destigmatised. it is too easily associated with agitation, violence, aggression and being out of control. All negatives.

Anger is a symptom that something is wrong either outside us or internally. (some will say only internal)

It can motivate us to action. (as simona said "adrenalin")

Better to notice it in the early stages and do something about it. (annoyance] Before it gets worse and feeds off itself.

Better not to react with anger to other people's anger. it doesn't work.

But as I said before, anger can help change for the better. Not be passive doorstops. Be active communicators. Express annoyance early or just let it go as the Buddhists say. Buddhists give anger a really bad rap which I slightly disagree with.