Had Enough of Not Feeling Normal

[Durras]

Hi all,

I want to say first of thank you to everyone for all support given to me, all your words of advice and support are so much appreciated and I know it isn't easy when your struggling in your own battles with life.

Not feeling suicidal, but yes feeling like I have had enough of being this way. Woke this morning feeling so gloomy, heavy chested, head still going like a runaway train with thoughts and can't stop it. I just want to stop it all and thinking this is how my life is suppose to be, this is it.

I have put much positivity into posts for others to help but I guess like it can be so often, it is easier to give advice and support then taking it for yourself and harder to practice what your preach.

Don't really know what else to say but just had enough of being this way and can't see my way out of it. Have had goals, woke the other morning feeling positive but now it has gone and think I was only dreaming or wishfully thinking but na it won't happen.

Feeling guilty for not being a better person, wife,  mother and feel have nothing to offer anymore and can't see it in the future also.

Am going to doctors today hope he may help, but that's just it also, hate relying on meds to make me feel normal, to me it's not normal. (sorry so much negativity going on in me right now, hope that don't hurt anyone as I know meds are a positive helper but right now feeling negative about them and having to rely and depend on them.

Well had enough of living this way.

Durras

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[hope4joy]

Hi Durras,

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I agree, I wish your depression would be gone, especially with all the kindness you offer others here on the forum. Nobody deserves depression. How was your doctor's appointment today?

I hear you when you say you're tired of having depression, and tired of being on this merry go round of moods, and tired of having to seek out meds to try to improve mood. Please know you're not alone in this struggle. Is there any little thing that can bring a smile to your face lately? 

Thinking of you,

kind wishes, Christina 

[MisterM]

Hi Durras,

Sorry you are feeling this way.
I was feeling positive, optimistic about my goals but since a trigger I am feeling hopeless.
You are not alone. I am sick of being this way too.
Wishing you the best.

[ci]

Hi durras

How are you today hope things have eased for you. 

I feel the same way you are not alone. It's the most awful feeling to have lost the joys in life thanks to this horrible Rollercoaster.

And the guilt we feel over not being perfect mothers and wives is unbearable at times! 

Can I ask do you find meds help doc and phyc been pushing for me to start them was supposed to start in Dec but got sick so I waited then said I'd  start this weekend but can't bring myself to start them? 

How did you go with doc I hope today is a better day for you?

[Guest_5218]

Morning Durras,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way again Durras.  I thought you seemed to have found a happier place of late, and it must be so disappointing to again find yourself in the depths of despair.

Remind yourself of all the plans you recently made for this year.  You have set yourself some very worthy and exciting goals recently.  Write them down and go through them again to recall why it is that you have those goals, and why they are important to you.

Everyone, if they are honest with themselves, would like to be a better Mum, wife, employee, neighbour, community citizen, whatever.  But we can only do the best we can.  Sometimes we fall short of our own expectations, and thats always hard to accept.

And yes, it is much easier to dispense good sound advise than it is to actually follow that advise.  We can be much more clear about other peoples problems and solutions than we are about our own.  Our perspective is often very clouded when it comes to ourselves.

I know you feel that you are reliant on meds to remain a normal person.  But that isnt so.  The meds dont change the wonderful caring 'normal' person that you are. They probably only change the way that you think of yourself.

How did your Dr's appointment go yesterday?  Any solutions, changes, or bright ideas gained there?

I am hoping that this morning you may be feeling a little brighter about things.  Just like the weather!  It can change overnight.  

Thinking of you Durras.

Sherie xx

[Scotchfinger]

Don't be afraid to dump your negative stuff on here Durras. I do it all the time, whenever I can get away with it, that is. Venting I think its called.

You certainly cheer me up on here so the least I can do is return the favour.

Trying to type some smilies, but it is just not happening. Oh well, take care Durras.

[White_Rose]

Dear Durras

So sorry that you feel this way again. Life and depression are both like a roller coaster and it seems we have little control over either. Not sure about life but I think we can help ourselves with depression. Or maybe it's others that help us.

How did you go with your doctor's appointment? I hate taking ADs with a vengeance. I do recognise that as a short term option they can be extremely helpful. By short term I am talking about a year or so. I noticed in the Treatment thread you were going to try a sugar free diet. Did you manage to get started on this? I ask because this is a medication free way to help you get back on your feet and stop, or at least slow down, the roller coaster ride. You sounded quite positive in your post. To regain that clarity of thought is fantastic.

I have mentioned a couple of times the dreadful interaction effect of taking two medications for different conditions which has led to me no longer taking ADs. I do feel generally better. But along side this I realised I had cut out most of my sugar intake. Not deliberately, just serendipity. However, I had begun to realise the connection between my moods and sugar consumption.

Yesterday I took my granddaughter to the cinema and ate an ice cream and drank a coke. Today I feel dreadful. Not a coincidence I think. Then I came across the sugar thread and thought "Wow!" So maybe this is a good thing for you to try. It takes a few days to get rid of the sugar and best of all, once you have gone through that stage the craving for sugar is hugely reduced.

It depends on how much sugar affects you. I am determined never to return to ADs but it's shaping up as a battle with my GP who believes I cannot mange without them. We shall see.

Your comment about helping others is true. It is easier to give advice and suggestions than take them on board for yourself. It is also exhausting and very easy to wear yourself out helping others. It may feel as though there is no physical effort involved in writing here, but trust me, it is still tiring. The amount of emotional and psychological energy expended in spending time and consideration to reply to others is high. You do need to take care of yourself.

One comment I often make about talking to others on BB is that I am frequently talking to myself. It's not a conscious effort. Sometimes I suddenly realise I have answered my own query/doubt/hangup/whatever. It is quite amazing. So be aware that we all have similar problems and when you answer someone you may also be talking to yourself. Out of your pain often comes an answer for someone else and sometimes for you.

Mary

[Scotchfinger]

Sometimes I suddenly realise I have answered my own query/doubt/hangup/whatever

When we give advice we are also helping ourselves, as you said. Trying to express, helps us clarify our own thoughts.

I don't mind receiving advice as long as it isn't patronising. Anyway, You can just ignore the stuff that is way off the mark anyway.

[Scotchfinger]

anyway stop saying anyway

[Guest_1055]

Hello Durras

Yes I can relate to you, you do just get plain sick of it, the ups and the downs. So you are definitely not alone. I wish I could reach down and grap you by the hand, and take you up. But I don't think I am on the "up" at the moment. But I do care. Gosh I don't think I am making any sense at all..... But I do know I truly care about you.

Hugs

Shelley xx