Is anger a problem for you?

Scotchfinger · ‎11-01-2016

Who me? No way. Just because I'm old and grumpy and oversensitive and get annoyed by 90% of the population 90% of the time, doesn't classify me as angry, does it? (smiley, smiley)

My problem, as I'm sure it was for a lot of you, is that I didn't deal with my own anger when I was young. "Anger" was seen as an emotion that could only be expressed by parents or older siblings, those in authority. Boundaries? We never heard of that word in the sixtees and seventies. Ok maybe for cricket, I admit.

It didn't seem appropriate or cool for me to express annoyance, so I never did.

So now I'm making up for lost time. just get angry for fun now. For nothing so I can stay in practice, in form.

I heard that anger and depression are like twin brothers though. I need to work on some of my anger, mostly caused by rumination. The past seems to really influence my current happiness. I wish I could just focus on the present .

Scotchfinger · ‎12-01-2016

what I forgot to say is that surely artists use "anger" as a creative force. Look at all the protest songs of the sixtees and seventies.

Simona · ‎12-01-2016

For me; there is a fine line between anger and rage. And i have a son with O.D.D. So for me, this anger thing is a epic problem. I'm supposed to be a positive role model but I'm capable of the most drawn out tantrums. It can be over my partner's snoring/breathing on my face.

pipsy · ‎12-01-2016

Hi. Can I jump on the bandwagon here? My biggest problem was growing up with narcissistic, controlling parents. I was not allowed to show anger, nor was I allowed to laugh 'too loudly'. No matter what happened, I was blamed, if I got angry, I was 'shut down' quickly. My father was also an alcoholic, not violent, but noisy. My mum would laugh and 'egg' him on when he was drunk. I had no privacy unless I was 'nude' in my room. I have found the best tonic for anger is 'laughter'. If you can laugh at the stupid nonsense that goes on instead of 'buying' the negative anger, you actually feel better. My brother was abusive toward me in the worse possible way. He no longer figures in my life. I have chosen to 'throw off' the 'rubbish', from my previous life and I have emerged 'reborn' into a woman who controls my own emotions. If I choose to be angry, that's my right. How I manifest it is the secret. I actually keep a journal where I 'vent' when I get angry at injustice. I don't hurt anyone, my journal got a real workout when my ex and I were at our worse. My journal knows all my passions, my fears, my loves. Once you can vent, you actually don't get angry at rubbish spoken, you learn to laugh because it is rubbish. Yes, Scotchfinger is right, songs are another way of venting, if it works and no-one gets hurt, do it.

Scotchfinger · ‎12-01-2016

nice post pipsy

I really admire the way you've graduated from such an awful childhood with those egomaniacal parents. And it is clear to me you have become a mentally strong person without any chip on your shoulder. All credit to you! I do a similar thing with journaling to you, by the way. Reading the journal months, years later I go "oh what the hell was I feeling and thinking then!"

pipsy · ‎12-01-2016

Thank you Scotchfinger. Yes, it's funny when you look back on what you've written in anger. Sometimes I find myself smiling when I think of how angry I was when I wrote whatever I wrote in anger. Actually, one thing I learnt from my so-called well meaning parents. The only way they can hurt you is when you let them 'get to you'. As a child, yes, they did and often. After I got kicked out at 17, I hated them, what an empty emotion. They did me a favour, instead of having me as pet 'whipping boy', they had to learn to live together. My journal got a real work out when I was turfed out. I became stronger when I realized they had no control over me once I was not living at home. I did have to take responsibility for me, but I didn't have to take their 'crap' on. They had to. They could no longer tell me what to do, when to do it. If they visited me, it was on MY terms. I never visited them, never phoned them. They wanted me out, they got it. My life was MINE. They're both passed now, I do miss what I never had with them, the love, the nurturing. But, fortunately for me, I am loved more from my close friends. Parents couldn't give me what they didn't feel, their loss, not mine. I can love more intensely than they ever loved, even each other. BB has been great as a place of encouragement & support. My work is great because I can help others less fortunate physically, mentally.

Only you choose the path you take, no-one can force you to do something you're not comfortable with.

Gonegirl · ‎12-01-2016

Hi Scothfinger, my problem is repressed anger. It's so far down that I usually can't bring it out unless I'm pushed to my very limits of frustration. I can however internalise anger toward myself. I too was taught that anger is violence, fear and that your mouth should for your own well being remain shut. As a child I never seemed to get this message 😉 Do you express your anger outwardly or do you get grumpy in yourself? I'm very uncomfortable with confrontation, even a change in tone can set me on edge. I don't have advice as I've learnt that if I can't live it I shouldn't say it, but I can offer you my support. I hope it gets better. Lou 😀

pipsy · ‎13-01-2016

Hi Gonegirl. What makes you angry the most, fear because you can't express anger. When you have it 'drummed' into you that you're not to show emotion, it's hard to overcome that feeling of 'not allowed to'. What you need to do is have something soft like a pillow, punch it hard whenever you feel frustrated. Shut your doors, turn t.v up fairly loud, if you're alone, punch pillow and scream while you're punching. It sounds crazy, but, hey, if it works, what the Hell. It's okay to get angry, really angry. Now that you're an adult, you're your own person. I vent in my journal, read back what I've written, then tell myself to 'breathe' deeply. Meditation doesn't work for me because I'm not 'into that'. Everyone has different ways of expressing anger. If you keep repressing it, you get so 'inside' yourself, that's when 'black dog' hits. Each time you vent, however you choose to, you will get stronger. I have also learned to laugh at the nonsense in the world. I get angry at senseless violence, people attacked, killed, children raped, murdered, but I don't take it on board. You're allowed to get angry at whatever makes you angry, but venting is just as important.

Elizabeth CP · ‎13-01-2016

I agree with Pipsy. Anger is a normal emotion not something bad. It is only when anger is suppressed until it causes you to explode and do something that hurts someone. In that situation it is better to get away on your own to let off steam until you feel more in control. Venting is a great idea. My grandma used to break jam jars into the bin when she was upset.. It hurt no one and helped calm her down. My brother bought his son drums because he had a problem managing his anger. He took his frustrations out playing the drums rather than hitting and yelling at his siblings. In the past I had problems because I would raise my voice when I was really upset and needed to vent. Unfortunately my husband would take it as an attack on him and then respond so things escalated into an argument. After discussion when we were both calm I explained what was happening from my point of view emphasizing that it was my way of venting when frustrated or angry but I wasn't blaming my husband. After agreement I now preface my rants by stating 'I'm upset or angry with the situation not you.' This helps us both as my husband knows he is not being blamed or accused of anything and it it stops me bottling things up and then exploding and since my husband doesn't retaiate the arguments have stopped.. Ideally I would be able to control myself better but I have to accept I'm not perfect.

Guest_1055 · ‎13-01-2016

This is some of the things I have learnt about anger within myself and seeing others who are also angry.

You can feel angry because you are not getting what you want....

If you don't forgive someone for whatever reason, you can become bitter, which may lead to anger and even a deeper emotion which is hate.......

Best get rid of the anger from within yourself, in a way that does not harm or hurt someone else, I normally punch my pillow as Pipsy suggested, and scream out into the noise of the waves at the beach........

Doing exercise like running can help calm you down when angry..........

Certain foods or consuming other stuff into your body can trigger the emotions of anger, for me personally it is caffeine and refined sugars.........

Not getting enough sleep or rest, can make your angry.......

If someone is directing their anger verbally at you, try not react back with your own anger ( challenging), best respond with gentleness and a soft answer it can actually help them and the situation..........

And teach your children how to deal with their emotions such as anger in the best way, which I sometimes think they learn best by your very own example........

Hugs

Shelley xx

Scotchfinger · ‎13-01-2016

Do you express your anger outwardly or do you get grumpy in yourself? I'm very uncomfortable with confrontation, even a change in tone can set me on edge.

At home , my partner and I express anger openly. We used to hide it from each other but now we just say what is on our mind. It is extremely healthy and we have learnt not to take each other's anger personally. (no, it doesn't become violent) I think we are careful how we state our annoyance though.Never say "oh why are you such an idiot?" I've learnt from my own experience that words are dangerous, so we both avoid destructive language.

Workplace. Now this is where you have to be careful. With people you are not close to, yet work close together. I've learnt to have very strict boundaries. Some might disagree with me but I am hyper vigilant for any perceived sarcastic tone or rudeness. I don't want to go home with a headache worrying about them. Nip it in the bud before it gets under your skin. "oh why would you say that?" or "I hope you're not being sarcastic" or "I'm sorry but that sounds rude to me". People will get the message that you have your antennae tuned, you don't take nonsense. You might even get a reputation as "difficult" but as long as you do the job, people learn to be careful around you.

But it has taken me many years to work this out. Don't be too loosey goosey with people because they will misinterpret this as "soft" and will test your boundaries. You become an easy target "Oh good I can relax with Scotch, I don't have to be nice to him" Now this has become my approach. others will disagree of course.

I used to jog before my back played up. It was such a great stress reliever. Now I go to saunas and swim and go for long walks. Not as good as jogging. I really could get rid of all the anger and confusion.