im really confused

[confused83]

Hi all .not sure where to start but here goes . I was diagnosed with depression for over 10 years iv seen dr after dr who wouldnt listen to what i was telling them iv tried three different medications and different doseages with all but none havent worked.  iv ended up in hospital twice now only to be given anxiety medication to take which seemed to help. iv now found a new dr who actually listened to me and saw the state i was in and has picked up on a few things she has refered me to a shrink who im seeing in oct but im needing something now iv spoken to mental health a few times over the phone which was told there is nothing they can do for me and to go back to my dr or call them when i need to well hello when im in a downer i dont want to talk to anyone let alone to call them . My moods vary i can be i real nasty piece of work for a week at a time i then can be in a real super high mood like nothing can bring me down im high as a kite and can be really hyper and i mean hyper and i tend to talk alot and not have a good nights sleep then i can snap out of that and be normal for awhile until out of the blue my nasty side comes back the voices in my head start i hear a mans voice who talks negative and puts me down then i hear a womans voice from time to time then it goes silent i have a brain fart where i cant think or speak normally i also have anxiety on top of it i loose my self when there is too much noise going on at one time and i become nasty saying stuff i dont mean i cant control myself i even have thoughts on ending my life, etc.  Please help!!!!


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[BeeGee]

Welcome to BB confused - and no wonder you're confused with so much going on in your head!  It sounds to me like you have a few things going on there - probably bipolar disorder with schizophreniform disorder would be my guess from the description you've given, but of course you need to see a mental health professional for a proper diagnosis.

It's great that you have a referral to a psychiatrist. Complex conditions like this really do need a specialist, and a GP, while being well meaning, is not likely to have the level of training needed to deal with it effectively.  The good news is that there are some really good meds that can help you deal with these conditions.

Please believe that this is not you being a "bad person" or in any way not good enough. You have an illness, and that illness has a treatment. I can't promise it will be quick or easy, but with the right help I believe you can get better.

If at any time you don't feel safe please ring Beyond Blue on the number at the top of the page, or Lifeline - we need you to hang on until you get help. If you feel like October is too far away try ringing BB to see if they have some suggestions for how to get some help while you are waiting for your appointment.

In the meantime, we are here to support you. Please come online and chat anytime you feel the need.

[confused83]

Thank you for your reply bee gee the new dr i saw did say she thinks it maybe bipolar or some other mood disorder . I had a episode this morning that i could not control not even my medication for anxitey could control and the voice i hear was yelling inside my head i couldnt handle my children being loud and full on i end up in a heap on the floor screaming for everyone to be quiet the room was spinning every noise in the house intesified pains in my chest with heaving breathing my partner telling me to " man up " didnt help and i lashed out i wanted to be left alone in silence but it just felt like everything was against me this morning i cant control when my dark mood wants to show up i cant bring my leveldown as he keeps telling me to do my voice in my head telling me to hurt my partner which i had to use all my stregth not to do i dont want to hurt him or anyone but when im in this head space i want to either hurt myself or someone else i do have self control over that at times i just want to feel normal and happy and be the best mum i can to my kids i feel like walking away some days to give them the best chance of having a happier life with out me in it. I love my kids so much and i want a better life for them 

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[confused83]

Thank you for ur reply

[BeeGee]

Wow, that's really tough. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it at the moment. It doesn't help that your partner doesn't seem to understand what you are experiencing, or recognise that you are ill and need treatment not harsh words.

You must believe that your children will not be better off without you. Mothers are unique and nobody can take their place! I understand you are feeling inadequate at the moment, but that is because of your illness. When you get the right treatment for this it will really help.

Auditory hallucinations such as you are experiencing may be a psychotic episode on top of your underlying condition, or they may indicate an additional disorder - schizophreniform disorder seems most likely. If you are just on mood stabilisers for bipolar these will not help with the voices; you would also need an antipsychotic as well. Have you mentioned the voices to your new GP? If not it's important that you do, so that you can get the right meds.

Don't be concerned that you are going crazy. These are symptoms of illness and they can be treated. If you feel like you are at the end of your rope and are worried about hurting someone, go and see your GP again and discuss with her the possibility of a voluntary hospital admission. Or, you can just turn up to the emergency department at your local hospital and get admitted that way. By choosing to go to a mental health unit you can be monitored, and have a psychiatrist start a new regimen of medications and make regular adjustments. This might sound new and scary, but lots of people here on BB have spoken very positively about their stays in hospital - usually it's like a "time out" from the hassles of life with other people looking after all your needs for a while. If you feel you just aren't coping please give this some serious thought. It may also have the side benefit of helping your partner realise just how serious your condition is and that you can't just "man up" and get over it.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

[confused83]

Thank you again bee gee this maybe a option i may need to go down my partner is there for me but i feel he isnt there 100% he says he understands but i know thats not true i know its frustrating for him to deal with but he isnt the one struggling with what ever i may have .if only he could be me for one day then he may understand . Just want to feel normal feel like i belong ....

[BeeGee]

I know just what you mean. My wife is wonderfully supportive and I couldn't ask any more from her than she already gives me, but I know she doesn't really get it. She is very accepting of depression being an illness, since both her brother and sister had much more severe depression than me, but I know that nobody can really know what it's like without having experienced it - any more than I can understand what it's like to have the voices hammering away at you all the time, it must be truly awful.

I think the best we can hope for, if our partners have not experienced our illness themselves, is that they are caring and supportive. Sometimes we might need to tell them how they can support us best - they might be trying their hardest but we can be very hard to read. Don't be afraid of sharing with him specific things that he can do or stop doing that will help you, but try to find a time when you are not too stressed as it may come across the wrong way when you are in a really bad time.

[confused83]

I ended up back at the hospital last night after another rock bottom break down i think my partner understands it a little better now we have been together for 9 years and its only now that its gotten worse and getting to the point he cant handle it any longer either spoke to a lovely lady from mental health as i had to go to the er as the mental health department werent open being a sunday but are in the main hospital on hand .all she could do was write down whats going on ect so now im waiting on a call from mental health today and to arrange an apointment to see one of their drs since im aldready booked in to see the shrink i just need to get a plan on the go and see them and my gp untill i see the shrink . The thing is i need to know whats wrong with me and to start the right medications . Im frustrated as hell i just want to know whats wrong now ... 

[BeeGee]

Good for you - I'm so glad you decided to go to the ED when you were at breaking point. That shows that even at your worst you can still manage to reach out for the help you need which is fantastic.

I know you want answers and fast. That's perfectly understandable. I wish we could help you somehow get them faster, but unfortunately it just isn't that easy! I hope you manage to keep yourself safe and more or less together until your appointment. Here's hoping they find the right meds for you straight up and you start feeling better very soon.

[confused83]

Yes i hope so to just want these  nasty voices to stop and all the other stuff that comes with it . Ill keep you posted . Thanks for taking the time to reply back to me.