Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[JustTam84]

Hi Captain T

lol your licking windows comment made me smile. Yes you definitely need a toolbox. I had one with many tools, unfortunately someone close to me accidentally tipped all my tools out without realising what they were doing.

I feel at this very moment I should be able to get some tools back. I wish I could stay being in the happy moments but such is life.

I know because of how I feel I will reach out for help, just need to feel when is right 🙂

I believe we got this Captain T

[Captain T]

We have got this JustTam 

I had some one say to me that during this to not to look to be happy but just try to be content. Contentment is an easier reach that happiness! 

[JustTam84]

Hi Captain T

Yes, that seems more achievable. I hope to feel that very soon

[ecomama]

Hi Captain T and JustTam84, it's beautiful to watch you both connecting with each other. 

It means so much to have someone going through similar feelings at the same time. I'm not sure if you realise just how powerful this relationship can be to you both. 

JT84, you're already reaching out by being on the forums. I'm relieved to hear you say you're safe. Not sure if there's a Women's Health Centre you can access. They often have awesome group Courses, really cheap childcare for while the Course is on. One Course I was referred to by the Head Psychologist of Headspace (my children attended), was "Breaking Free" - it was gobsmacking. I LOVED it and appreciated every single moment. I gained so much CLARITY in that 8 session Course, once a week. Having 2 Counsellors run it was beneficial to us all. 

Captain T I wonder if you have any Men's Sheds in your area? I WANT ONE for me! a non gender specific one perhaps lol. LOVE their work and the exponential benefits for all participants. 

The connections I made via Community Gardens, growing organic food in particular, was part of my healing and survival journey. SO MUCH happened because I became involved, like a Scholarship to study Permaculture and all. We even birthed Cooperatives to sell and trade our organic produce. Wonderful. 

I'm off to feed my chickens second breakfastses hahaha, we're a bunch of Hobbits here! 

Love to you both and everyone reading,
EM

[Captain T]

Haha EM.. I’d need a non gender specific mens shed too! Captain is pretty ambiguous but I am female. It’s just been my nickname since birth due to my real name. 

It’s a good feeling to be able to help someone in the same boat. It’s just sad that someone is going through what I’m going through

I suffer really badly with low self esteem and social anxiety! That is going to be a long journey to over come. It’s that bad that I actually hate every single thing about me. It also stops me from being able to participate in anything that involves other people. I just think if I hate me and don’t want to be around me why would anyone else. 

The good thing about being on here is 1 it’s non-judgemental and 2 no one has to read what I write! 

Captain T

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Congratulations in your progress in thinking and talking with intention  “ you WILL make it through “please  keep this up because with positive intention GREAT things are happening for you….

Keep raising your vibration ❤️🙏

[Petal22]

You CAN do it ❤️

You already are in this present moment aligning with everything that is moving you forward…

Keep up the great work.

[ecomama]

Hahaha ok then we can go to the same "Men's Shed", sorry!
IDK why I thought you were male. My kids would eat me alive for such assumptions! Lord do I have the odd lecture here and there, they also acknowledge my "progress". Sorry. 

Reset hahaha. 

Hey I already like you! I actually realised whilst being on the forums and getting BUCKETS of support from elsewhere too. Psychs at work, 1:1 Psych for a while, friends who are psychs lol, an adult child doing her Honours in Psychology... neighbour who's a Psych. I needed a TRIBE of psychs to keep me almost sensical, but hey, why conform? Joking not joking. 
I also maintain a Counsellor, same one for about 7y? I can't remember how long. Tons of trauma. 

Anyway, on to YOU. I'll blame the ADHD for my constant diversions lol. 
I realised this.... I am me. I don't have the option to jump bodies or jump minds or jump lives or any such. 
I'm stuck with me.... SO if I don't get real, start SOMEWHERE to learn to like SOME thing about myself then what's my journey all about? 

My Counsellor + tons of research says SELF CARE. Ughh. That's a journey in itself for so many of us. We have a Thread here now. ONLY 3 things, that's all! One if you're up to it lol. 

I KNOW you have so many great traits! You felt compassion for JT84, that's precious! You are supportive of your people. Probably tons of other things about you that you can be happy with, even proud of. 

Yup no one HAS to read but people are following you, caring about you, keen to hear from you, willing to connect with you. 
It's so lovely to meet you. 

You are so worthy. 

Love EM

[Captain T]

Hey guys. 

Yesterday was a really good day. I felt

like to true me for the first time in a long time. Today has started out the same. 

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to only friend I have in town that has been my best support. Instead of being mopey and depressed i saw it as a free holiday to the beach! That’s a massive step forward for me.

I managed to do all my housework and mowed the lawn. The lawn takes 2.5hrs so actually facing up to it is a massive achievement.. 

I have made so much progress since the change in meds that I’m thinking maybe the bipolar diagnosis is correct. I’m on these meds for a month and then

off them for a month so hopefully I will learn enough tools while in on them that I can maintain it. 

I understand that I still have a long way to go but I’m writing every night about my day and moods to try and keep track to see if I can find warning signs. For now I have to stay in the present and hope it is now 2 steps forward and only one step back. Unlike before. 

I finally have a positive mindset and I CAN beat this!!! 

[Captain T]

I forgot to add thanks for your kind words EM and Petal22. And for all your support.

 I was to busy being excited that I’m in a fairly good place of contentment and I CAN  and WILL beat this!!