Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update! Sorry to hear that you were in distress but its' great that you reached out and was able to get a GP appointment. I hope that goes okay and they have a look at any medication if that is the problem.

It's also good to hear that your work function went well and that you are optimistic for the weekend. I know christmas can be a tough period so be gentle with yourself and try not to overextend yourself. Looking forward to hearing from you. 💙

Bob

[Captain T]

Hi Bob

The last 2 weeks have been very difficult to say the least. I’ve had rapid cycle moods. Ranging from being just ok, depressed, suicidal and angry. Each lasting a couple of days. It has been really hard work.

Ive also had another medication change. I will be going through withdrawals in 2-3 days from one and may start having side effects from the new one at the same time! Should make for an interesting Christmas. Especially when I am spending a lot of time with my parents who are my biggest trigger. Lunch is at their place and dinner at mine so I will leave after lunch and come home for some self care time. I’m doing most of the prep tomorrow so I only have to pull everything out of the fridge when people get here so that I have time to unwind during my alone time. 

Wishing you a very merry Christmas and a fantastic new year. I hope the new year brings you joy and positive energy 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Apologies for the delay. Thank you for your warm wishes and hope you had a merry Xmas also. 🙂

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a terrible few weeks. I hope the lunch went ok and you were able to do some self care. How is the medication change going?

Bob💙

[Captain T]

Hey Bob

Sorry it’s been a while. 

Christmas was quite good. I gave myself 3 hrs alone with nothing to do. So that helped me get through easily. I hope yours went well. 

I had a few withdrawal issues and at the same time side effects from the new meds. So my life is still a massive roller coaster. I haven’t felt suicidal as such though just wishing at times that I would just not wake up. 

Today is a good day though. I’ve just been in the phone for 3 hrs with my best friend so that’s good.

I had a really tough session with my MH nurse yesterday and can through it ok. I got a lot out of it. I know understand a bit more how my trauma affects me with out me knowing.  I had a complete breakdown at work over something minor. But it meant I couldn’t complete my task. She explained that my trauma makes me need to be perfect. Because I couldn’t do the task perfectly I broke down. 

There a so much that I’m still leaning and so much more I have to learn.

Hope  all is well in your world

Thank you

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks so much for the update. It's great to hear from you. I'm glad you could have some alone time on Xmas despite the medication changes. I hope things are going better with the new meds now. I'm also glad to hear you're making some ground with the MH team. Being a perfectionist can be tough when we don't live up to our expectations. I have a similar issue and then when I fail I just give up completely. I know it can be tough so please try to be forgiving with yourself.

I've been ok. I've become a bit lazy over the break and just been sleeping alot which is a problem. But I will start tafe soon which is exciting and I am looking forward to that. 🙂

💙

Bob

[Captain T]

I know it’s been a while but I’ve been under a lot of stress. I didn’t know what to say. 

After my breakdown at work, I’ve been stood down for mental health reasons. Work requested a GP certificate saying I was fit for work. I went to my GP and she cleared me. Then that wasn’t enough and now I have to pass a psychiatrist assessment on Friday. Apparently it goes for 2 hours. I feel like I have to keep jumping through hoops. The breakdown I had wasn’t even really MH related. 

I currently feel stable with my MH. I feel like I have been since the Christmas/new year period. I’ve been really proactive in keeping myself stable. I follow a strict sleep routine, I’ve mostly been eating 3 meals a day (I’m now under a dietitian)plus drinking 2 litres of water a day. I’ve been taking the dog for a walk most mornings. I’ve been keeping myself busy during the day and making sure I get some sun everyday.

The work stress is taking a toll on me but I think it’s the same way as someone without MI battles. I am stressed because I don’t know what will happen with work if I don’t pass this assessment on Friday. All I want to do is go back to work. I love my job and I need it as I will lose my house without it. 

Anyhow, that’s my life right now. 

Hope all is well in your world

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update it is good to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear about work but it is great to hear that you're doing everything you can to look after yourself. I'm sorry I can't recall rn what line of your work you're in but I'm sure if you relay everything you just have to us to the psychiatrist that you should be ok to start work again. If not, it sounds like you're strong enough to pursue work elsewhere. You could perhaps even consider other positions while you wait for your assessment on Friday. This is healthy to do even during your employment at any time. 

Things are okay on my end. I am also trying to re enter the work force myself. It is tough because not many people are looking to employ someone with little experience or hasn't been in the workforce for as long as I have. My old work place wouldn't take me back unfortunately and I have applied twice. But it is for the best as I don't think I'd like to work somewhere that is unsupportive.

Let us know you go and all the best for Friday.

Bob

[Captain T]

Hi Bob

I hope you can re-enter the workforce soon. I find working has been really beneficial for my recovery. 

What are you studying at TAFE? I was looking at peer support work but I can’t commit to all the online classes because of my job. Which by the way is a truck driver in one of the mines. 

The work psychiatrist was pleased with me today. He gave me a preliminary result today of being fit for work! I think that because I have been feeling well for 3 weeks and I’ve been proactive in my recovery that helped. I just have to wait for HR to get back to me Monday or Tuesday and hopefully I can go back to work on Wednesday! 

Thanks so much for your support 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update and for your kind words. I will be starting a diploma of mental health in a few weeks time which will go for 9 months. I am pretty excited. I was also keen to do the Cert IV in peer support but unfortunately it was booked out and I don't really like online classes. However you can become a peer support worker with the mental health diploma as well. If you look around some work places are happy to employ peer support workers who haven't done the Cert IV but are willing to study during employment. It's hard to find these workplaces from experience but I definitely know some people who've done this. I think you'd make a great peer worker. 

That's awesome to hear that your assessment went well! Yes it definitely sounds like you've been putting in a great effort. I hope HR gets back to you soon. I know they can sometimes drag their feet a little haha. Let us know how you go and hope you're having a good weekend. 🙂

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey Bob

I hope all is well in your world.

Hows the job hunt going?

I looked at the very IV in mental health but I’m a little scared it could be triggering considering I haven’t fully recovered yet. 

HR were definitely dragging their tails! They got back to me yesterday. I was suppose to start back Wednesday. They said I’m not to go in for the nightshifts that I’m currently suppose to be in. But I can go back Friday. They want to go through a medical return to work plan and then I can resume normal duties.

It will be so good for my MH to go back. Im getting really bored and my MH is sliding down. It’s starting to get to the crisis zone. Im struggling to find things to keep me occupied. Everything in my house is done.

Hopefully getting back into a normal routine will help lift me out of it. 

Thank you so much for listening to me and supporting me. I really appreciate it