im losing the will to fight on

[guest75]

ive had my kids the last 2 days.

it made me happy 

today my daughter hugged me and told me i was "the best dad she'd ever had" to which i replied "im the only dad youve ever had" and she says "nuh uh mummy has a new boyfriend"

i litterally felt my heart break in 2, a tear welled up in my eye and i could feel my will to keep fighting, to keep on going sliding away

she told me she was joking but its left me feeling like an empty shell and i dont know if i want to keep on fighting

add to that im currently being forced to live with my mother (i have no other options) and i just feel like a huge burden on her and my sister and really get the feeling i am not wanted

i just want to give up

[Lillybell]

Matty,  Now is the time you need help the most. Talk to the professionals here on the web chat or ring someone. The emotions you are feeling are incredibly intense because of what is happening. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your children need their Dad. You need you! The support is there. How about ringing the support line. You CAN get through this and be stronger as a result. xx Keep talking as it will help.

[Jo3]

Hi Matty

Pls don't give up, you have your two beautiful children, they need you and you need them.  Pls keep fighting, you can do this.  

I agree with Lillybell, pls contact the support line number.

Pls let us know that you have contacted the support line.

Take care

Thinking of you

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Matty,

Listen to what your daughter is saying. She appreciates you and loves you for these past 2 days if for nothing else. Despite how typically dad answer of you (i'm the only dad...) it is true and that new boyfriend who may or may not stick around will never be you. He will never be her dad. Only you can fill that role.

Keep fighting for your daughter. Keep fighting to see her smile again.
As for your living situation, it's hard but they  do want you there. They want to look after you. They want to help, as do we.

So many times this damned illness stops us from seeing the light in our lives. All it shows us is the dark and how overwhelming it seems. There are stars in that darkness, Matty, like your daughter's smile. You can't see them at the moment and it feels like people do not care for you, but this is me shining a torch into the darkness and saying there are stars out here.

You just have to hold on long enough until you can see them.

GA

[geoff]

dear Mattyj, I have been exactly where you are now and I know that this news whether it's true or a possibility is heart wrenching, but my two sons who were adults kept ringing me just to check on me, and their words were the same, Dad we both love you to pieces.

Both their love for me kept me going, I realised that I made the world to both of them plus my daughter in law, and their affection for me increased enormously.

In life we have to know that there is someone out there for us to hang onto, and there has to be a reason to live on, and you have your precious daughter, who absolutely loves you.

Where you are living would only be until you have the strength and to be more financially secure so that you can move on.

Matty please get back to us so you can vent, but all of us are behind you. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Matty

Some wonderful posts above and heart-warming advice to you as well Matty.  I just want to echo the above for my sentiments to you as well.  This is one hell of a difficult time for you but please please don’t give up.  Your beautiful daughter is testament to that.  She’s already expressed how much you mean to her and we all know how much she means to you.

Do you know when you might be able to see your kids again?  Is it an arrangement that’s been worked out yet?    All this happening is still only in its infancy and it’s absolutely natural that you’re hurting the way you are … this is all so horribly raw for you.

As Geoff said, your current living arrangement will hopefully be a temporary thing until you’re able to secure somewhere else.  I hope that this is the case.

Do you have any close friends/mates who you could possibly share some of what is happening with you?  I know it’s brilliant to be able to post on here (and I hope that you continue to do so, as we’re all here for you), but sometimes if you’ve got a close friend that you can confide in, vent things too, that can be very helpful too.

I hope we can hear again from you soon,

Cheers

Neil

[guest75]

Lillybell & jo3 - i know the kids need me, its about all thats getting me through each day at the minute.  I didnt ring the support line, i have anxiety disorder along with my depression and i cant do phone calls, i just cant. im fine face to face with people and talking to people i know on the phone but otherwise i cant do it. i just closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep

GA - thanks, i know. my kids smiles, their giggles is what makes me happy, its the only thing that makes me happy at the minute

geoff - im sorry you have been through a similar situation to me, i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.  I know the kids love, but i think they are too young to really understand what is happening (they are 10, 8 and 6).  They keep telling me they want me to come home, and i keep telling them I want that too, i want to be there with them everyday, but im not allowed.

you are right about this being temporary, the financial situation will resolve itself within a week or so, my problem is I hate being alone, i really do. living by myself with my current state of mind would really not be a good idea, and my only other option would be to live with my father, but I hate his wife with every ounce of my being (she had an affair with my dad when i was little and basically caused our family to break up when i was 3 and i hate her because of that)

Neil - Nothing permanent in place at the moment, but i doubt i will see them before the IVO goes to court now (2 and a half weeks).  My mum gave them all tablets for christmas so i have set up email addresses for them and got them working on their and installed skype and showed them how to use it so i should be able to see them that way at least.  With regards to your question on friends, i answered in another post, but no i dont, i distanced myself from my friends because me going out with them upset my partner at the time, and i didnt mind because of what she and the kids mean to me

[guest75]

Kids just went home, had them for nearly 3 days...

Breaks my heart saying goodbye to them, as i grew up in a single parent house i vowed i would never make my kids grow up like that, and now its been thrust upon them and i have no say in it

Also breaks my heart knowing my ex(?) partner is just outside in the car and im not even allowed to speak to her

This might make me sound incredibly weak, but i need her, she is my rock, i need her to get through. i dont know what to do anymore

I dont think i will see the kids again until the court date. I start my new job monday and my sister (who along with my mum is where im staying) doesnt like the kids here on the weekends coz she likes to sleep in after working long hours

and they may be ripped away from me at that, so this might have been the last time i see them 😞

[Neil_1]

Hey Matty

I’m hearing you loud and clear and I’m really feeling for you … just talking about your own children is such a powerful thing and I can tell how much they mean to you.

Mate, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying what you said about needing your wife.  I mean, after all, that’s why we choose a person don’t we?  And they choose us as well?  To be a partner, to be a spouse, to be a partnership, to be there for each other and to support. 

This is such a difficult time at the moment for you.  But the time is ticking by and you’re getting closer and closer to the date.  Again, yes it’s easy to say this, and it feels like time is standing still at the moment, but if you can somehow work in something throughout your day to help occupy yourself?

Do you have a bike that you could go for a ride on?  What are some of your hobbies?   Hey, I’ve got it … are you a fan of Lord of the Rings?   Cause if you are, rent them out and that’ll blast away 9 hours of your time, just like that!!  Follow that up with Ben Hur, and the Godfather trilogy!  There’s almost a day gone.   Although, hey don’t do them all at once … space them out a bit.  Just thoughts my friend.

Did we work out whether you can contact your wife via the telephone?

Did we also work out whether your wife is still ok with you?  That would be the clincher wouldn’t it?  Cause if she’s fine with you and wants you back, then once the court date is done and dusted, wouldn’t it just be a matter of you being able to move back home?  And you’ll be able to provide that awesome list of things that you’ve been doing for the betterment of yourself and ultimately your relationship with your partner.

Hope to hear from you again.

Cheers

Neil

[guest75]

Hi Neil,

Thanks again for your reply,

I do have hobbies, but over the last couple of months I have kind of lost interest in them (my psych told me this is normal with depression, but i should make myself do things i used to enjoy)

I am a keen photographer, but also enjoy web design and also playing around a little with photoshop.  But ive lost interest in doing any of these things.

I do have a bike, but it is at my house (where my partner and kids are) and my knees are playing up at the minute, very swollen and sore (i have the joints of an old man even though im only 34) Which is annoying as i used to play a lot of sport, as was actually a half decent baketball player (used to play A grade)

I do like to watch movies, but none of what you listed there 🙂 Its kind of funny in a way as i am a self confessed giant nerd yet i hate movies like star wars, lord of the rings etc.  I would be more likely to hire the entire Nightmare on Elm Street series or something.  But luckily the 5th test started today so i have that to keep me occupied until monday when i start working again

Unfortunately I cant contact her even by phone - If she told the police i contacted her i can be arrested (i dont think she would do that but i dont know and i dont want to risk it as it would make me look worse at the court hearing)

All i know in regards to whether she is ok with me is 2nd hand information from what my mum told me when she collected some of my stuff and a few things the kids have said.  I am going to be driving an hour and half each way to this new job (rather than live with my dad, at least until everything is sorted) and my middle daughter said to me "are you going to keep driving everyday when you move back home" so i dont know whether my partner has told her i will be coming home after the court? I really dont know.  Its the not knowing thats the hardest, if she had just left me I could make myself get over her and start moving on, but at the minute i just dont know what to think