Going off line

[Teddas]

Hi all, am just posting this to say am going to disappear from posting for a little while. I know how caring people are on here and don't want people worrying.

To be honest l am just spent, so tired of feeling like this. I suppose not sleeping since Saturday night isn't helping but all l can say is l'm exhausted.

Was sitting last night watching my 15yo daughter and 11yo son playing Xbox with my 'wife' sitting in a different room ignoring me ( well us l suppose ). Video games bore me so started cleaning old photos off my phone. Found some pics of the friend that now hates me. Nothing rude, just her blowing me a kiss etc. Started me on a downward spin. Started thinking the last time we were together was at a work friends wedding. We were invited as a cpl but it was a shocking night. Put my arm around her and she pushed it off, tried to hold her hand and she pulled away, wouldn't even dance with me. When we got home she put pillow and doona on the couch. By the time these memories had come flooding but l was sitting there in tears. 

Got up and went to bed but got worse. Lay there thinking if the two women l have had real feelings for in the past 22 years now think l am worthless maybe they are right.

Tried thinking of my kids but that didn't help. Have a 20yo in Qld at uni that will never come home again because he can't handle the tension, l said l would fix it but can't so that's my fault. A 19yo who just puts his hand out and his mother gives him money, l can't make home see how he should act to be a good man. 15yo girl who won't speak with her mother and 11yo autistic son who only has one problem left. That is can't control his bowels and because l can't get myself together l keep forgetting his medicine. All feels like my fault.

Lay in bed all night staring at the ceiling wondering what l have done wrong. If God only gives you what you can handle he must think l'm Hercules, and l'm not.

I am sick of this feeling. I hate feeling alone and dont cope with it. I know there are people who care but the ones l want to don't or in my mother's case have passed away. I Don't get embarrassed about crying because do it so often, am while trying to type this. 

10 years ago l would wake up and think away we go, take on the world. 5 years ago l would think, oh no here we go again.Now l wake and think bugger l woke up !

I talk to friends but seem to say the same thing over and over. Am stuck in this crappy circle but somehow get worse.

I dont know how to stop it. Stop caring for the friend l saw a future with, the wife who obviously doesn't see anything there now. Feel like l just let everyone down. Sounds self indulgent but l use to be the person people looked up to, great marriage, great kids, always there to help and always having a laugh. God l miss that time and feel l am letting down all those people.

I will be back on here soon l hope but if this is not rock bottom l hate to think it can get worse.

Again l feel now l am letting you all down to. 

You are all stronger than you think at the moment, and can see from what l read you all learning and leaning on each other.

Keep working on the baby steps and you can achieve things.

Good luck xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Teddas  

I can understand that you’re needing to take time out.  It’s something you’ve thought about and something you must do.  I really hope that in the upcoming weeks or so that you can find a little bit of sunshine in your day;  a spark of brightness, even just something small.  

Things happen and then they’re done and they are part of history … and there’s no changing to make things undone (well, that depends on the finality of what was done … boy, I’m really not making sense here).  

But please know that there is no way you are letting any of us down.  No way …  and you know what, I really hope that you are at rock bottom;  cause that means you can’t go any further down and the only way is up.  

Oh and I’ll take on board the words of “Good luck”, but um, you can keep the kisses.  🙂  🙂 

Cheers mate and I wish you well. 

Take care  

Neil

[geoff]

dearTedda, my sentiments as to what Neil has well said.

It does become very tiring of not being able to look forward to being able to see any improvement in our circumstances, and my thoughts goes out to you, and I know your predicament, as I too have been there.

As Neil and I would probably both agree is that your situation is an unstable one but we hope that in any dire need to contact us we really hope that you do so.

Please take the greatest care in these difficult times. Geoff.