Scared.

[iusedtobefamous]

I don't know what to do. 

I suffered pretty badly from severe depression and anxiety when i was a teenager (12-18, literally the whole time I was a teenager). I'm 21 now, and I honestly thought I was better. But lately, I don't know, I've been really struggling, and It's honestly scaring the crap out of me. I had to quit my job because a guy there was being an arse to me, and it got to the point where I just couldn't go in there. I was standing in the car park having a full on panic attack because his car was there, and I literally just turned and ran away. I spent the rest of that day crying in bed, I just felt so pathetic. Like, if i was any regular kind of person, I'd be able to deal with it or something. I don't know. 

It's just that I haven't felt like this in years. I didn't realize it was still a risk. I don't want to hurt myself, I was so proud of myself for stopping that, but I'm having those urges again, and it's really scaring me, and I don't know how strong my willpower to not do it is, and I made an appointment to see my psychologist, but she's away til the 21st, and that just seems like so far away. 

I don't feel like I can talk to my family about how I'm feeling (I still live at home), I just feel like I've put them through so much already, and it would be so unfair especially on my mum to make her have to start worrying about me like that again. 

I'm just really scared, and worried, and I feel so alone, and useless and pathetic. I'm home alone all day today, and I'm really worried about how I'm going to try to distract myself from feeling like I want to hurt myself. 

'beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.'

[Chris_B]

Hi iusedtobefamous,

Welcome to the forums. Anxiety and depression can come and go throughout our lives, which can be distressing when we think we have 'beaten it'. Unfortunately there's no vaccine against it, but having it come back doesn't make you a weak person any more than getting the flu does. 

The 21st is a while to wait to see your psychologist, so please take this time to talk to your parents.  Thoughts such as 'I don't want to be a burden' are symptoms of depression itself.  They will want to know what's going on for you, and given that it sounds like you may be getting bullied in the workplace, it makes sense that you are feeling anxious about work.  

You should be proud of yourself for overcoming your thoughts of self-harm in the past; try to remember what you did a few years back to get through that period and draw on that wisdom now.  Yes it's scary, but you can do it, because you have done it before.

Please remember you can call the support service number above at any time.  Do come back and let us know how you're going, and perhaps tell us a bit more about what is happening at work so we can provide you with some advice.  Take care.

[Neil_1]

Hi iusedtobefamous  

It’s a really super positive step that you’ve made to reach out to this site … it’s that first step in the journey to hopeful recovery.  So firstly a huge pat on the back to you for doing this.  

I will try to offer advice/suggestions for you, but my first one is super important … all the things you’ve described about yourself has me very concerned for your welfare and safety.  Beyond Blue have chipped in with their targeted message to you and given their support service number.  I will also suggest Lifeline (131114) is available 24/7 as well.  Please can you be calling one of those two numbers if you get to the stage where you’re at rock bottom and not thinking good things.  

You’ve got willpower … it shows out cause you were strong enough to hold down a job and you came on here and posted this message.  Both of those things take a hell of a lot from someone to be able to do those, so I know you’ve got willpower … we just have to get you to focus it on the most important thing in your world … and that is YOU.  

You’ve mentioned that you’ve made an appointment with a psychologist … does that mean you’ve been to see a GP, in order for you to make that psyche appointment.  That’s another super positive thing that you’ve done.  I’m assuming you have seen your GP … have they suggested any other treatments for you … or perhaps even medications to assist you with your depression and anxiety?  

Please try not to beat yourself up too much about that guy at your old work … those kinds of flotsam are everywhere in life … and it’s a shame that people like us have to run into them from time to time.  They’re just out and out bullies … they’d also be the ones who provide road rage incidents when they drive.  They like to do these things, I s’pose cause it gives them a sense of power and domination … but the truth of the matter is, all they are jerks!  I could say worse, but don’t want to get this post moderated too heavy!  🙂

It sounds like you’re now no longer working … which is a shame, especially considering for how you left your job.  Jerks like that guy who bullied you should be the ones who are fired!  Not the victims, but unfortunately, this kind of thing still happens.  Do you feel that you might be able to find another job?  

Mum’s are brilliant you know … and they worry for their children and want to do the best they can for their kids … while I don’t know the extent of your family relationship with the members of your family, etc, I would think that you should sit down with your mum and tell her … if you feel comfortable in doing that.  Alternatively, what about a brother or sister, perhaps?  Or a friend/mate?  These are all good options to assist you … but the bottom line is, you need professional help. 

I’m glad that you’ve got an appointment for a psyche coming up, although it is some time away till you see them.  Are you able to get back to your GP in the meantime and explain exactly how you’re feeling … they ‘may’ be able to fast-track your appointment.  

I’m sorry this has turned out to be such a long response, but I hope I’ve been able to write something that you might find useful.  

I would also encourage you to please write back to us on this site … whenever you feel able to, but I just wanna hear a bit more from you and how you are going?  

Kind regards  

Neil