Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

[Beryl]

Its a good day today, so im saying hello to everyone out there for the first time ever.

i am beryl, i have deep depression, anxiety, ptsd and an eating disorder. I have lots of other physical things wrong too. Ive been depressed for many years and i think it is my normal. Over the years it deepens and recedes in slow cycles. I just cant sort it out. Sometimes i think my life is not so bad, then other times it seems unbearable. My head is a big bowl of water and i balance it so well people dont see the tears as i never spill them with other people. There are no other people, there never has been. But now, after all this time there is all of you out there. Yes, im smiling at you. Maybe, just a tiny maybe, im not completely alone?  Its sad to think there is someone else in this half life. Could we help each other? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?    More importantly i dont think my tunnel has an end. Im so tired of plodding down it. So tired and for what? More of the same. Most of the time im numb, there is no enjoyment at all. I wonder if that realy exists. How does happy feel? What is it?  These days i hardly leave the house. I dont actually want to do anything- thats anything. My mind is so fuzzy i havnt been able to read a book for so many years now. Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? Or am i in this foggy bubble alone, so alone, for ever? Is there anyone out there?

[Beryl]

Hi Wah, see if i can post it without sending it into orbit today! I understand what you said about therapists, ive had heaps over the years, some good some not, tried lots of meds, not much help. Sometimes you feel so battle weary you just cant bear to go to another session, it can  feel like stirring up the same old smelly mud at the bottom of that pond.

thankyou for your kind suggestions i think the council only helps with shopping if your a pensioner. I usually find it is so stressful trying to get any help i just give up. Everything is so inneficient it all just turns into a nightmare, i just cant face it. I booked a seat on a daytrip bus a little while ago, i thought it would be good for me. I forgot to go. Everything is just too hard i want it all to go away. Sorry, bad day, this isnt what i wanted to tell you at all. Thankyou for liking my garden, i had raindrops to tell you about but theyve turned into teardrops instead, i will try again later, bye bye, beryl.

[Beryl]

This is beryl here im still confused how this thread thing works but i wanted to share a couple of things. Im still trying to find a good gp in my area, looks like there are none. Still at square one.

white rose, i hope your ok, you said you were going to a funeral.they are so sad. All the sadness from a hundred other things just wells up inside  and adds to the grief. I hope it was not someone very close to your heart.i lost both my parents fairly recently so i understand a bit, i just want to send you an angel to sit beside you and hug you and hold your hand. The angel will wrap a big soft feathery wing around you and reach into your heart and deeply ease your suffering. It will stay a long time, as long as you need it. It will stroke your head and comfort you.its going to gather up all your sad tears and turn them all into the tinkling sound of bell birds to float away on the wind. Slowly the emptiness within will fill with warmth again. I wish this for everybody out there in BB land, you are all such wonderful, valuable people, every last one.  Love from beryl, hang in there everyone.

[White_Rose]

My Dear Beryl

You say the most wonderful things in such a loving manner. Thank you. I certainly needed an angel for the past few days.

The funeral was for the brother of a very dear friend of mine. I was very honoured to be asked to give one of the bible readings. As you say, funerals do tend to remind you of many other sadnesses. By the end of the day I was exhausted. I am slowly getting back on my feet and on Friday I rejoined my exercise class. Wow! What a rude awakening that was. I could not believe I had become so unfit. OK, some of it was due to the surgery etc, but still, I have let my fitness go.

School holidays start soon and I am taking three of my grandchildren to see the interactive dinosaur exhibition. The two younger ones are very keen but the 12 yo has become a bit blaisé. However when she get there I suspect she will be just as interested as the others. Ah the joys of becoming a teenager.

I am also taking my five year old granddaughter to see Sleeping Beauty in a couple of weeks. She is very excited that she is going out on her own, so to speak, to a theatre. It's actually a children's theatre and most of the cast are children so I think it will be interesting for her.

I hope there are no repercussions from your string of horseshoes. It sounds like a great addition to your garden. Is this your exclusive garden? How lovely for you. Enjoy plenty of cuppas out there, even if it is getting a bit cold. It's getting cold here in Brisbane, though I have no doubt it's colder down south. I manage the cold better than the heat but not fond of either extremes. The lovely mild springs and autumns of Brisbane are the best.

My ladies study group is reconvening at my home tomorrow for the first time for a while. They have been meeting at other homes while I have been unwell, but tomorrow is the grand return. I must admit I am already a bit anxious about lasting for two hours with some semblance of intelligence and alertness.

Enjoy your garden and thank you for your good wishes.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, its 2am and im wide awake. A large black cat is sleeping unbelievably deeply on my bed. He even snores. The irony, my bed and only he gets to sleep on it.

He is my friend. He doesnt judge me and is always pleased to see me. He brings me horrible presents. He picks his teeth with his toenails, but he is handsome and interesting. He purrs like a harley and then bites me. He guards my house. At night he cuts off the blood supply to my legs. He has a pill box in the back yard. From this vantage point he can peer through the slats in the back fence and quietly and invisibly survey the whole street. Each morning and evening he patrols the perimeters. He wears a peeked hat and carries a clip board so he can monitor all the comings and goings. Hes a petrol head and likes snazzy utes. Hes kooky and i accept him just the way he is.   I am lucky to have him in my life. On dark days he puts up with me and keeps my feet warm. Sometimes when the house is empty he stops me feeling so alone. A furry friend can help you through. Beryl xx

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, i hope your feeling a bit better today.you are very blessed to have 3 grandchildren. I hope they bring sunshine into your life. They are tomorrow, they are hope, they are your little angels. Send them a hug from me.                       I think they are going to enjoy the shows coming up enormously. They are lucky to have a grandma like you. You can guide them with love.          I remember having a grandmother. She lived in our house. I didnt know her at all. I grew up completely alone. My father never hugged me, niether did my mother. They never once said they loved me or showed any approval of anything i ever did. My father was very generous with discipline and punishments. We lived on an isolated property at the end of a private track in the middle of nowhere. I wandered for hours alone in tall, tall grass. Millions of slender biscuit coloured stems leaned in unison with the wind, seed packed heads of a hundred designs bobbing in rhythmic swathes whispering together with the sound of far away surf over seaworn pebbles.  I remember the sweet clean air, the untroubled blue topaz sky billowed with curds of bright white clouds that fairly scudded along. I fancied it wasnt a sky at all, but an artic sea filled with snow crusted ice bergs, so clear and crisp, untrodden and pure. I would spend eternal sunny summer days adrift in the elements, like a lost dryad finding its way back to its source.                Already i didnt belong to the world everybody else lived in. My best friends were the trees that ringed the meadow.they were my trees and i belonged to them.   They were ancient enormous venerable trees, slumbering with all the wisdom of thier many years. I woke them up and they listened to me. I would study them minutely and i knew their every branch, the very texture of their aged bark. I can see all the details now in my minds eye. I would sit at the foot of one or other of them and cry and cry and cry. Their big old energies would reach down and cradle me. They were all i had . I loved my trees. They knew i was depressed even back then. Sadly they were so old, one by one they died. I missed them badly. Everything gets taken away from me.   Im so glad to share this memory at last with all you lovely understanding people out there, my new trees, dont go away.    Tears and love.  Beryl

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Your reply made me cry. How dreadful to grow up so alone that your only friends were the trees. I want to put my arms around you and hold you until all your pain disappears. But despite all this you have a beautiful gift of words and the ability to see beauty in your surroundings.

I'm still struggling a little. The tiredness is starting to fade and I hope to be back to my old self and able to see more of my grandchildren. I actually have eight grandchildren. Six girls and two boys. My eldest grandson lives with me as it is near where he works. Too far to drive everyday from his home. I do find it difficult at times. I thought my days of having a teenager in the house were long gone.

This will be a short reply as it is getting late and I am tired.  It's been a big day with a visit to the psychologist.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, i hope your feeling a bit stronger today and that the eternal bog we wade through is having a shallow phase. I hope writing to me doesnt tire you out. I worry about that. Ive got no idea what im like but sometimes i think im so dreadful why would anybody like me. I know a small bunch of people that call themselves my friend. And they are not. Every one of them keeps hold of me for what i can do for them, or give to them. They all use me up over and over again. I would be happy with one true friend. I talked to someone about it one time and they said, " everyones like that these days, there are no standards anymore, its just get what you can and it doesnt matter who you tread on, on the way".   Is that right? I dont see people very much any more because ive had enough of being taken advantage of. Im so jumbled up about what i think, its like several whole sets of thought processes, you wake up in the morning and wonder who your going to get. One day i have definite ideas and opinions on this and that and then, bang! The next day its all different. What is going on with me? When i get so tied in a knot i put it all in the too hard basket and go to bed. One time i finished work on "auto pilot" thats when you are like a robot and just keeping it together and then i went to my dwelling place and straight to bed. I layed there and from the window i could hear people laughing and going up and down the street and out for the evening. The window darkened. It was night Later it was car doors as people got taxis home. Long quiet, then dawn filled the window. Slowly the temperature rose along with the sun past the window. Noise filled the street, it quieted over lunchtime and began again for the afternoon. It trailed on till the day got old and the light began to fail. Cars illustrated the rush hour then another quiet time while the city out there had its dinner. After a while there were noises in th street again as people went out. I heard this whole cycle around again as another day went by and another night, then another dawn in the window. I got up showered, stuck on that paper smile and went to work again. It felt wierd. Everyone was chattering about what a great weekend theyd had. I kept busy and listened. I hadnt had a weekend at all. Two days were missing off my calendar. Two days that never happened. Does anyone out there know what this is all about. Sorry, taking a plunge. Bye. Beryl.

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Thank you for your concern. Writing to you does not tire me. It's all the other things that happen which tire me and then I find it difficult to respond to posts on BB. I look forward to your posts because you have such a wonderful gift of expression and I am interested in how you are going.

Many people who have depression worry that they are unlikable. Usually it is the depression scrambling our brains and distorting reality. This is something I have struggled with for a long time but recently have come to believe I'm not as bad as I thought. Hooray!

One of the most common pieces of advice given on BB is to rid ourselves of toxic people in our lives. It sounds a bit harsh at times but when you are unwell you need support not people using up your hard won energy. A book that was very popular some years ago is When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Can't remember the author. I think the title explains it all.

Not everyone is a user of others. There is a difference between mutual exchanges and one-way traffic. But there are many people who are happy to give support and comfort as well as practical help with no thought of reciprocal gifts. Witness the the many responses on BB to people we do not know personally.

You mention in an earlier post that was no GP on the BB list of practitioners available for you. What about the GP that was a little further away? Is it too difficult to get to this person? One good option is to phone the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636. I know you are not comfortable using the phone but this may be an opportunity to stretch yourself and contact another support option. You can also communicate by email or by the Live Chat line. This is also an email type of contact but the messages are sent and received in real time. That is, you write a comment to the person talking to you and you get an instant response. It's like having a phone conversation but in written form. The link is at the top of the page.

Missing days in your life. Yes, been there. One was caused by some sleeping tablets that were prescribed for me. This med is notorious for people, in effect, sleepwalking and then remembering nothing. Other times have been when I stayed in bed, like you, and only ventured out for the necessities of life.

Take care of yourself and do not be concerned if I take longer to reply to you. I want to stay in touch and as I get a bit stronger will be able to do so more frequently.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose. Ive been off thinking fo a few days. One thing i thought about is how your right. Depression does scramble the brain. I do best when i dont listen to myself as my selftalk is so distorted and unreliable. Ive been extra busy and extra tired to take my mind off me. Iam hoping you are feeling stronger and getting rid of all that toxic radioactive stuff out of your system. Something i noticed with cancer as with mental illness is that people dont know what to say. As well as keeping myself going i had to say things to make them feel better. Very draining. I hope your grandson gives you a bit of a hand around the place.   I emailed bb about the contact details for the doctor a bit further afield but they said theres none in my area. I guess i will have to go to the one i dont like anyway. I did try.    I did something nice! I wrote a little poem on the community forum under the poetry thread. Have a look if you feel like it. There is so much talent on bb and everyone is so nice i just dont know how to handle it. Im not sure how to react. Nice people are new to me.

i wanted to tellyou about the saddest thing that happened with my trees. When one particularly large one died and was felled, my father had it cut into rings and broken up for firewood. After that all the mountains of brushwood and small branches were piled high outside my bedroom. I was made to stand out there in the frost day after day breaking the dry twigs with my hands into 10" lengths for kindling that would fit in the fire place.    It just went on and on, it seemed neverending, my wooly gloves wore through so i had to keep snapping, snapping, snapping, every snap burned till the blistrs burst and my blood cried onto the broken twigs of my best friend. It was like breaking their bones and went on for weeks, alone in the field, breaking up my only comforter. To be burned.        Why did they hate me so much to make me do that. I wanted to blow away on a breeze like the globes of seeds on the dandylions and be gone. I cant describe how deply it hurt, my favourite friend ultimately broken up and stuffed into dirty sacks to be burned, done by my own hands.   Later i watched them burn.      Beryl.

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Yes I have already read your poetry post.  Also your Worst Joke Wednesday joke. Both great.

Such a sad story about the tree. It is the cycle of life but seems very mean that you were required to cut it up on your own and in such cold weather. I remember my sister-in-law telling me some horrendous stories about her and my husband's mother's treatment of them as children. I cannot understand how or why people do things like this to children.

Changing the subject to self-talk, this can be such a self destructive action. Been there, done that, got the T shirt. I'm not sure being extra busy is the answer to avoiding negative self talk. What I am working on at the moment is looking at each situation where I beat myself up and writing a list of alternative reasons why this situation exists. For example, someone promises to phone but doesn't. I immediately go into self doubt mode and assume the lack of phone call is because the person does not like me.

Instead there could be many other reasons. No phone available, person is sick, family crisis, person forgot etc. What is the most likely scenario? Try to be rational. When you find out why no phone call compare the reason to your list and the reason you chose. It's starting to help.

Keeping busy can be good, but make sure the physical effort is manageable. Give yourself easier or more relaxing activities among the more physical.

So sorry about the lack of a doctor in your area. I thought there was someone but a little distance away. Are there any other doctors in your area anyway? Not necessarily one on the BB list. My doctor is not on the BB listas she has no need to find patients. She is kept very busy anyway.

Carry on writing poetry and other writings. Take great care of yourself.

Mary