Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

[Beryl]

Its a good day today, so im saying hello to everyone out there for the first time ever.

i am beryl, i have deep depression, anxiety, ptsd and an eating disorder. I have lots of other physical things wrong too. Ive been depressed for many years and i think it is my normal. Over the years it deepens and recedes in slow cycles. I just cant sort it out. Sometimes i think my life is not so bad, then other times it seems unbearable. My head is a big bowl of water and i balance it so well people dont see the tears as i never spill them with other people. There are no other people, there never has been. But now, after all this time there is all of you out there. Yes, im smiling at you. Maybe, just a tiny maybe, im not completely alone?  Its sad to think there is someone else in this half life. Could we help each other? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?    More importantly i dont think my tunnel has an end. Im so tired of plodding down it. So tired and for what? More of the same. Most of the time im numb, there is no enjoyment at all. I wonder if that realy exists. How does happy feel? What is it?  These days i hardly leave the house. I dont actually want to do anything- thats anything. My mind is so fuzzy i havnt been able to read a book for so many years now. Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? Or am i in this foggy bubble alone, so alone, for ever? Is there anyone out there?

[Beryl]

Hi, white rose, thankyou for keeping on writing back to me. I think of a servant as a person who does everybodys menial labour intensive tasks for very little reward. A servant minds their Ps and Qs, is expected to not express opinions,is to keep quiet, be constantly industrious, be neat and courtious at all times and to display a calm neutral disposition. This is what is expected of me in this house. I am deemed troublesome if i want to go anywhere or have any needs. If i can keep it up without cracking, each month i get a horrible pat on the head which i hate from the person that controls things here and $55 per week to use as i wish. I save it up and get things i need at home or else i would get nothing. I dont want to drink tea with that person and it leads to trouble if i start talking with them. If i go in the car with them i have to be quiet. The other people are very busy with their own lives and would find it irregular and unacceptable if i tried drinking tea and chatting to them. They have no time for me and this kind of activity would not be attractive to them. They are not unkind to me but just expect me to be in the background quietly doing everything for them and waiting on them. This is a servant i think. I have to be emotionally self sufficient as i get on with my work wearing my paper smile while inside im withering up. I used to be like a pressure cooker ready to explode but now i mostly feel nothing. I have to be a non person.    Two things stop me leaving here, niether of which i can do anything about.

Dear white rose i wanted to tell you i love scrap booking. A little light comes on inside when i feel beautiful papers and look into their lovely colours. I have a pile of old black and white photos that i found when my parents had both died. They are old wartime to 50s pictures of family members but i dont know who they are, i can just see likenesses in the faces to each of my parents. There isnt anyone to ask.  I am slowly scrapbooking them all. It makes me feel i belong to them and im treating them lovingly and with reverence as i lay them to sleep in their beautiful book, surrounded with carefully planned and presented tributes. They are my family, i will look after them. Thankyou for being there to share this with.

Too many tears, beryl

[Beryl]

Hi jaymic, i did reply to you but it was somewhere else. Im not sure where but i do hope you found it. Tell me if you did, thankyou for being there. Hugs, beryl.

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Wow, another scrapbooker. It really is great to make a page come alive with pictures of the past and the embellishments around them. The page I have just finished is of one of my granddaughters as a toddler and her liking of shoes, any shoes. I am really pleased with the way it has turned out.

Black and white photos are really good in scrapbooking. You can display them on so many lovely pages and I feel they look so much more elegant than colour photos.

I am so sad you consider yourself a servant, and even more sad that others see you in that light. It's good that you have your little courtyard where you can enjoy the sun and your tea. Do you have any plants in there? I have a small garden and over the years I have discovered those plants that are most resistant to my gardening. I mean those that are least likely to die of either neglect or too much attention.

The plants I enjoy most are the foliage type. Flowers need more attention and do not last very long. Having said that my favourite plant is the hyacinth. This comes from my English background and the way hyacinths grow so well in that climate. Qld is not really a good place for them. Not cold enough in winter to set the bulb and too hot and humid in the warmer weather to grow properly. But I keep trying.

Hope you will be able to find your way to a new GP. Let me know how you go.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose. I havnt got my new gp yet. Its still in the too hard basket at the moment. But im getting myself into the right frame of mind to do something in the real world, so hopefully it will be soon. It was lonely and quiet today. Everyone was out which was peaceful but i have to be carefull not to slip back when im by myself. I kept very busy as usual to blot everything out. I am doing a painting at the moment for a customer. It is coming along well and i expect to finish it tomorrow. I know i like artwork, i wish i could have enjoyed it. Anyway, i keep trying.

my little garden has green spears of daffodils and snowflakes popping out of pots, crowds of coloured pansies spangled with raindrops, a collection of succulents in a miriad of old terracotta pots, a few orchid orphans i inherited, fragrant roses,intoxicating lavender, some fuchsia cuttings in a yoghurt pot im trying to propagate, some tiny bonsai and a few other things. When i look at all these wet lovelies under our raincloud sky,they make me want to be happy,yet im sad, like a strong feeling of a past i cant quite remember. A sort of half memory. That always happens when im alone outside in the rain. The black twigs and branches of the winter cherry tree make patterns against the wet sky. Iknow i like the winter. I like to watch fresh cold rain trickling from the roof into a big shiny black bin thats brimming to overflowing. Each drop sends gleaming circles across the surface in a rhythm. I like to look deeply into the water, it makes me think of saturated moss on half rotted tree stumps in the middle of an ancient forest. It quiets my mind and floats me away to a gentle place. 

Thankyou for being there white rose and all the other lovely family members. I know it is helping me to talk to you. I hope my quiet space in the garden brings a bit of peace to someone out there,  love from beryl.

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

You are a never ending source of joy and amazement. What a fantastic description of your garden. I felt I was there enjoying those amazing flowers, fragrant roses and intoxicating lavender. Wow! Do you write poetry as well? You have a wonderful gift of expression. And a painter as well. One of my ambitions is to paint. I started to paint years ago then became caught up in other things. Now that my energy is coming back I am going to take some lessons.

I sometimes write poetry. It is in the form of Haiku, Japanese style verse. There are 17 syllables in each poem. Three lines, five, seven, five syllables. The idea is to present an instant picture, a snapshot as it were, much like your garden description above but within the constraints of the syllables. I really enjoy it when I am in the mood.

Have you ever tried meditation? I was thinking when I read how you felt looking into the water that meditation may be a way for you to commune with yourself. I practice Christian Meditation. It's a process that has been used for thousands of years. If you are interested in finding out more about this ancient way then go to christianmeditationaustralia.org and read about it. There is a list of all the meditation groups in Australia . Perhaps there is one near you that you could attend. Be assured these people are most loving and caring.

What new surprises do you have to share? You are an amazing woman. Anyone who can paint well enough to be paid for it has my admiration. What do you like painting? Portraits, scenes, animals, abstracts? I would love to read about this talent of yours.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hello white rose,all these things we talk about is very therapeutic. I looked into the rainwater bin again today. Its still brimming and just as captivating. I had a tiny warm and fuzzy feeling to know i had shared it with someone else.

the house felt anxious today. I had my paints out in the kitchen again and it was dissaproved of. Later they all went out so i grabbed my electric drill, some rawplugs and along lead and went out into the garden and drilled some holes in the brickwork. It gave me a queezy thrill.  Im hoping he doesnt notice. Ive been wanting to do it for weeks and weeks, ive been waiting for just the right moment and today was the day!  I want to hang a couple of things on the garden wall and i know it will lead to complaining but i did it anyway. I left the holes with the plugs in ready. A daring day!

i like the idea of haiku poems. I like poetry a lot. Once at school i got in terrible trouble in a test because i wrote a lovely poem about the fingers of sunlight reaching through the trees in the woods at daybreak. They didnt believe i had just made it up so i dumbed down my poems after that. I was scared, i was just a kid. 

I think meditation sounds like it might be interesting. I will take a look. 

Backto todays artwork. I work mostly in medeval colours, mostly medeval subjects and celtic stuff. I did four triskels in a blue with gold highlights. These are in the corners. That wasnt much but i spent ages fiddling about with colours then it was cooking time again.

today my insides were not so knotted up as usual.something that bothers me but i keep forgetting it is how hard it is to think in a line. Thoughts are like thin chains, each one another link and they all join together. Mine are like lots of little broken bits and i find i have to work hard to join any together before they slip away and i forget. Its definitely worse when i havnt had any contact with people for a week or two. Its the same thing as when i try to read books. Its just bits with chunks missing everywhere. Its hard when im talking to people and i cant hold all the bits of the sentence we are talking about in my mind at once. It feels like my minds not interested and cant be bothered to concentrate. It does it all the time, it takes a few attempts to log on, i can bearly remember how to use my phone, i get lost in familiar places and cant seem to learn anything new. I think its the depression doing this because i can learn some things a bit. Gottago love beryl xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Beryl

Medieval and Celtic artwork! That's fantastic. I love looking at pictures from that time. I suspect it is because it is easier to understand. A friend of mine is an artist and paints huge abstracts. While I love the shapes and colours I have no idea what the picture means. 

I was thinking about your reading problem. Have you ever tried listening to talking books? I enjoy 'reading' in this fashion as the reader is usually someone with a great voice which adds great depth to the story. I get them from my local library and usually they are on CDs. Unfortunately they are gradually changing to MP3 and I do not know how to manage these. They even have DVDs but that does not interest me.

Do you have a local library? If so look on line for their catalogue and see what is on offer. You can reserve a book on line. I get an email when anything I have reserved has become available. Also check if there is a delivery and pick up service. One of the benefits of listening to books is the joy of hearing another voice and you may find this helpful. Anyway, it's worth investigating.

The rigid thinking of educators has blighted many a child's creativity. Shame it inhibited you. Still, you can start writing now and express all those fantastic thoughts you have in verse.

Keep up the positive outlook. What are you going to hang on the walls now that the holes are ready? I think there's quite a lot of rebellion in you and it great. A quote I found on another post is so apt.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

I love that. I will put it up in my kitchen with all the other inspiring words I come across.

I have to go to funeral now. Catch up later.

Mary

[Wah]

Beryl

I was unclear about the difference between health professionals. I have now sorted out that my psychiatrist is to help me manage my symptoms via medication and I see him about dosage and if I feel I am relapsing. If things are going well I might not see him for 6-12 months. He has a wonderful manner and respects the fact that I know myself best. he is my 3rd psychiatrist, so you have to shop around.

My psychologist(about the 4th try?) is to help me with my emotions, thinking, responses and general planning around coping with both symptoms and life in general. I can spew it all out and she will help me make some sense of it and think about whether my thinking is reasonable or unhelpful.

I have chronic depression that has not responded well to medication, but I persevere. I have accepted the flow of it and don't fight myself as much. I try to remind myself that I am strong, but there will still be low times.

I think its wonderful you took yourself into the city! And that you still get out and about. Posting here connects you. I  have joined a few on line communities over the last few years(TV shows, etc) and I find it helpful to connect. I am not a good mixer and find social things quite anxiety provoking.

You write beautifully and have a wonderful descriptive way of telling your story. I wonder if you should try your local council for support. They may have a program where someone could pick you up and go shopping with you. This might make it a more positive experience for you.

Wishing you all the best.

Wah(my son's nickname for me).

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, i missed writing to you last night, my nerve endings were jangling so i just went to bed. I fell into bed like a split sack of logs. Sometimes its the only thing to do.      I felt not so bad today so i ventured out into the garden again when nobody was looking and hung up a glorious string of rusty horseshoes and a small trellis. The brooding presence behind the door in the wall was slumbering. Nothing has been said yet.

ithink dr seuss pinched that saying from mark twain and added a bit of his own.        I like talking books. I looked up my library on line but couldnt understand the website so when im up to it i will go there and look. I did see the library one time from outside. Thankyou white rose for all your suggestions, they are so positive and helpful, they come from a caring mind thats very wise.

i still have to finish the painting.   Hugs from beryl.

[Beryl]

Hello wah, i wrote you a huge reply then i pressed something and it all dissapeared. I will try again later

hugs beryl