Im finding it hard to see the point anymore

[dwade3]

It's been a while since my last post, im guessing its been a few months.  Things have been up and down, thats as i best as i think i can describe it. I've had moments where i feel like i have a strong desire to take control of my life, to want more from myself, to not let whats been plaguing me the last few years to beat me.  About a month or two again, i had maybe the worst depressive episode yet. I wasn't sad or even numb anymore, i was simply tired... That one night my suicidal thoughts were at an all-time high and was less like an option and more like something i was going to do. That feeling of just having enough was overwhelming. i grabbed a knife... i wont get into any more detail because i think you can understand what i was thinking.

Luckily those strong feelings never got that me low again. in fact since then, id been maybe the best ive felt in a long time. With my conviction to finally just fight back against my depression. Taking chances with my social life, and working harder in university.  Of course ive had lapses during that time too, even as im writing this now i do wonder "what is point" and "what i do hope to achieve with this"

And another thing i noticed was my hobbies turning into obsessions.  That despite being in a social and healthy hobby, that it was really the only thing that was making me happy in my life, which is a problem. I'd begun fantasizing and neglecting things to pursue this, only to self-realize that im using this hobby as a way to cope opposed to it being a good part of my life, or maybe im just overthinking and that i dont understand what it is

But otherwise i guess im okay right now, im going through a relatively light episode but i dont think it's anything i cant handle

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

And good job too btw in reflection.

Just wanted to say though and this is only my opinion we're all different buttt, many a time a hobby or interest is what's gotten me through. And yeah it's sometimes become a bit of an obsession at the time but to me that was a good thing anyway giving me something to enjoy again and distraction. Plenty of times it's been the only happiness at the time so thank God for it l say and yours being in a social and healthy way , even better.

All through last yr and later spring and summer l swear kayaking was the only thing keeping me going for example but l was loving at least that and so that's a good thing right.

Cut yourself some slack eh.

rx

[therising]

Hi dwade

I've found gradual forms and levels of self development and a greater sense of self understanding can be seen from 3 different angles - mental, physical and natural. Sometimes it can be a matter of which angle gives us the most helpful perspective, when it comes to self development and self understanding. Take the hobby you love for example. Mentally, it possibly helps with inner dialogue, a sense of identity and more. Physically, it possibly feeds dopamine receptors and leads to the production of endorphins and all that kind of stuff. Naturally, it may define who you naturally are in some ways, provide you with a natural sense of joy and drive and lead you to feel a little more energetic. And if life is defined as 'the feeling of energy running through us (in one way or another)' your hobby might feel like your connection to life itself.

I've also found that ups and downs can be all about triggers, what triggers the ups, what triggers the downs and what triggers or facilitates that middle ground. A single day can have dozens and dozens of triggers. Some we'll feel and some we won't feel at all. While on a day where we seriously lack energy, a sense of direction and a sense of inspiration, the simplest of comments (triggers) from someone can have a profound impact on us. On days where we're on a high, that same comment can be like water off a duck's back. We don't even notice it. And if we're a naturally sensitive type, with the natural ability to sense far more easily and deeply than most, we're going to sense or feel so much more or so many more triggers than most people we know.

Sometimes I wonder whether part of the point to life is to find out who we naturally are and how we naturally tick. And sometimes the greatest sense of achievement is experienced through finding out, through the revelations that come to wake us up to the truth of who we are.